Sunday, December 4, 2016

Netflix Documentary Hits & Misses vol. 22 (Nov/Dec 2016 Edition)

I know…I know…I have not exactly been consistent in my documentary reviews as of late. [Tangent: Gasp! It may have been a couple months.] I’ve been swamped with some fun and then some decidedly not so fun stuff…but I can’t completely blame that; my intake of media has not been null.In the last few months, I have been undertaking a mass horror movie marathon as well as trying to finish up my self-imposed resolution to read 35 books this year. So in those fringe hours, early morning and late late night, which is usually earmarked for solo doc watching- I have instead devoted to those pursuits. I am my own worst enemy.

Amanda Knox- B
This one was one that I have been hearing about since it "dropped” on Netflix. [Tangent: Can I pull off that use of the word “dropped”…did I even do it right?] I was familiar with the story because I watch a lot of 20/20, but I had forgotten a great deal about it- so I was somewhat interested getting retold the story, and hearing it from Amanda’s own mouth. The doc is told basically from Amanda’s perspective…and she came off just as one might assume…kind of disconnected and cold but somehow sympathetic. I still can’t decide if I think she did it, but I think it was an interesting watch. If you dug Making The Murderer with the fervency I did (or true crime in general)-then you’ll be into it.

Jesus Camp- A+
Just in time for Christmas, Netflix has re-added one of my all-time favorites to streaming- JESUS CAMP! Back when I got dvds in the mail through the service- this is one I watched over and over.  If you asked me to recommend 10 docs,this would probably be in my top 5! Being from the South and not really being super religious, [Tangent: I'm a unicorn. I was raised Catholic…which is an altogether different animal so makes it hard for me to relate to a lot of things…like the goings on in this movie.] I find extremes in religion both foreign and familiar. The plot of this movie is pretty easy to glean from the title, it’s about a group of children attending a summer church camp…and it follows their attempts to recruit Christ followers in any way they can…even at bowling alleys. As you know if you have read any of doc blogs, then you know that I love a film about children deeply immersed in a niche group. If you like this one, then watch Magic Camp and Bible Quiz. By the end you will have a favorite kid…mine was clearly Levi with the rat tail. [Tangent: And feel free to checkout this article after you watch about what all the kids are doing 10 years later  and the impact the movie had on their lives.]

Children of God- B+
Another big doc draw for me is if it is about a cult. [Tangent:You know how much I gushed about Holy Hell in one of my last posts! I guess it goes in line with being deeply intrigued by anyone that follows a belief super strictly.] All I knew about children of God prior is that the Phoenix family (as in Joaquin and River and crew) were members as children. This 1994 film, which is only an hour in length, is a very informative…in fact it has a more journalistic PBS vibe than a movie vibe, but I was on board. It is jam packed with weird music video bits produced by the cult that are equal parts terrifying and catchy. Also, a cult leader nicknamed “Daddy” who communicates through weird comic books??!?  This cult, like a lot of others, made me sure that the 60’s and 70s were basically just like Hair and The Who’s Tommy.  [Tangent: I also regularly ask my mother “Are you sure you weren’t in a cult?” because she had long blonde hair, wore flowy dresses and spent the 60s in Honolulu and San Francisco. Seems like the perfect storm.] At this point, you can’t change my mind to the contrary.

Queen Mimi- A
Yet another trope that draws me like a fly to cow pies is delightful and somewhat surly old people. There is honestly nothing I would rather spend 90 minutes on, and Queen Mimi is definitely one of my favorite eclectic old folks movies. Mimi is a woman in her 80s that lives and works in an LA laundry matand has  over the years built a bit of a fan club. Included in her gaggle of loyal admirers are Renee Zellwegger and Zach Galifinakis, who invites her to premieres and considers her almost family. As the movie unfolds,the viewer (as well as the filmmaker) uncover some secrets about Mimi that no one, including her close friends know. It has quickly joined the ranks of Gray Gardens, Burt’s Buzz, Iris and Magical Universe as “Favorite Docs about kooky old people.”

Floyd Norman: An Animated Life- A
I didn’t expect to love this one so much, but soon I was pulled into it and even tearing up, after blindly choosing it to watch one day.The subject, Floyd, is a long time Disney employee who has worked on everything from Sleeping Beauty to some of the Pixar films. [Tangent: Stylistically, Sleeping Beauty is one of my all time faves. That color palette!!] It makes me so mad I had never heard of him before because he has literally had his hands on so many things animated in popular culture  in the last 50 years. He was so passionate about his life’s work that it can’t help but make you feel like you’re not doing life right unless you’re obsessed. [Tangent: That’s a very highjacked and very mutilated John Waters quote.] I’ll try not to give too much away, but just prepare to fall headlong in  love with this dude. He’s the best.

Vintage Tomorrows- C-
This is one I watched months ago, so I am having a hard time recalling much about it. That doesn’t speak of my crap memory but more that this one just wasn’t that memorable. It follows, through profiles and interviews, steam punk enthusiasts. As stated before I love watching any doc that uncovers some niche group of people that follow an unconventional interest or lifestyle. I guess it would be better if you were totally ignorant of what steam punk was, but for me it just could have been a lot better; I felt I spent most of the 90 minutes scrolling through FB.  I did find it interesting to learn about the “maker” aspect and the creativity and craftsmanship that goes into it.

Ok. See, I'm back. There will be more coming soon. What should I watch next? 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Animal Babies Nursery: The Creepiest Toy Ever


I have a niece and two nephews under 5, so I'm not immersed in children's popular culture 24/7; 365- but around the holidays I casually dip my toe in so I can be the cool aunt on Christmas morning. This is not something I half-ass. I spend time scoping out toys in stores and via Google- and I have come to the conclusion that the majority of them are terrifying. Case in point- Animal Babies Nursery. This innocuous sounding toy is the creepiest thing I have encountered in a long time, and I spent the entirety of October watching horror movies. These animatronic plushes are part innocent cuddle time...part Island of Dr. Moreau...and all nightmare fodder.

My first encounter with these scary beasts was when I was combing through the gender specific girls section trying to find something freak-out worthy for my five year old niece. Misshelved among the Cabbage Patch Kids and Puppy Surprises (a nostalgic head scratcher unto itself) was nestled a Baby Animals Nursery creature called the baby kangaroo that made me audibly gasp and perhaps drop a well-earned F-bomb. [Tangent: Being that I was window shopping solo at that moment, this didn't go over well with the lululemon wrapped momarazzi hanging in the aisle. Oh well. I don't take back my reaction. It stands as valid and 100% warranted.]


I'm not a total square, I know that animals with human traits are a tale as old as time. In prior years, my eyes have been personally accosted by the likes of Equestria Girls and something called Pinkie Cooper. Both are bipedal mammals (ponies and puppies respectively) clad in go-go boots and mirco minis with human lady proportions. Seriously, I am sure they are a hit with little girls (and maybe some niche internet perv groups.) But something about these Baby Animal Nursery toys are even more aggressively upsetting than those animals from the phylum Fashionista.  I can’t even put my finger on it, but now when I close my eyes, the peaceful black is replaced with that non-blinking kangaperson. 
 Because my twisted curiosity is stronger than my need to live peacefully ignorant of the horrors of the world, I was soon flung headlong into the internet vortex of these animal babies and each one was creepier than the last. I can just imagine these thumb sucking monsters sticking their hard plastic faces out from behind a pillow and "babble" in the most terrifying of manners.

 EEK! That calico cat solifies my status as “more of a dog person"! That werid turtle abomination? The humanzee with bangs? And dear god that rabbit makes Frank from Donnie Darko look like Peter Cottontail.

I cannot pass judgement on kids today, nor do I want to. Granted I can still sing the entirety of a theme song for a cartoon based onpersonified gummy bear candies in a renaissance setting...and don't get me started on the enigma that is the Popple.  But come on,  this shit is horrifying. This weird humanoid kangaroo in a diaper with its blow up doll expression and promise to cry like a person and say the word "yummy" is enough to rob me of a week's sleep. As my friend Katie observed when I showed her the pic, "if they can hold a bottle, they can hold a knife."

Now aren’t you feeling their vacant eyes crawling on you from all sides as you hear their robotic giggles? Sweet dreams.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

for shane.

This past week has been crazy (and not fun crazy but the kind of crazy that liquifies you). Not only have I felt spread thin but as if I was passed through a pasta machine and came out in tiny strips. Here I am on the other end fervently trying to press those strips back together...only the now everything seems haphazard and out of order. But slowly but surely I am getting my shit reassembled.

Last Wednesday I was just starting to let it soak in that I would soon be living in a world with a president Trump (Still that phrase seems strange to type) and prepping for my boyfriend to have surgery the next day, when my best friend called me to tell me that our friend Shane had passed away that morning. Immediately I dissolved and felt like I had been punched hard in the chest. All I could do was go lay down.

 In the last 5 years, I have seen a lot of death and lost a lot of major people in my life that were among my greatest champions. It doesn't get easier. In fact one by one as they fall I feel way more vulnerable [Tangent: as I try to remain slightly more hopeful that they have rubbed off on me.] When deciding what to blog about today, it seemed right that I wrote a little bit about the legacy my friend Shane leaves behind.  Damned if he didn't encourage me regularly about my writing and the fact that I wasn't living up to my potential. He was a real ass hole in that regard, even though he was right.

I met Shane probably 9 or so years ago when his best friend and my best friend started dating [Tangent: They are now married so that all worked out. Here's proof we didn't eff up our friends relationship].

 In situations like that it is always a crap shoot if friend groups are gonna mix and you know by default that you will have to spend a lot of time together in group settings so you might as well learn to be cordial and tolerate each other. Only unexpectedly, two people that could not be more different (Shane and I) became very good friends. He was brash and outdoorsy and unafraid of public opinion and didn't mince words...at all. At the time in my personal narrative, I was a puss. I was scared of most everything (mostly of my own potential and life possibilities),  and decidedly indoorsy by design.

It a bizarre juxtoposition, but it all worked out...we both were SUPER hard to offend and liked to talk for eons about seemingly everything from music to politics to religion, so our friendship worked strangely well and organically. Authenticity was important for both of us...and I don't think you could meet a more authentic dude or one with less of a filter. I thought hard about a story that would best describe our friendship and the good time and good human that was Shane and I settled on this one.

Shane was in the National Guard and had spent a huge chunk of time in Africa doing work and building wells, so in his absense from Nashville- we were pen pals. At that time I was learning to drive, so I weekly would send him updates and I would hear all about his travels. When he returned he had all these new interests and stories and had discovered a love for taking pictures. Of course like most things he attempted, he was really good at it and I wanted to push him to do more [Tangent: One of his pictures hangs by my sink so it bares witness daily to my spitting out toothpaste.] One day probably about 7 years ago, we planned to walk around Radnor Lake together and shoot the shit. [Tangent: This was pretty regular- we would just find some activity and then just a lot of aimless wandering.] Yes, I was being outdoorsy.

It was such a good day. Perfect weather. I don't even remember if Shane took many pictures, but I do remember we talked a lot about where you could hide a body (which is pretty par for the course of our convos.) I also remember that after getting about a mile into the trails, I realized my battery on my chair was near dead.  My power chair was new. I had  no inkling of a notion on how to put it into neutral so he pushed my 350 pound chair up hills and over some not-so-smooth terrain back to my car..for roughly 3/4 of a mile. I felt awful (and physically he probably did too) but didn't show it.

As we reached my car, I apologized profusely for not paying attention or for not charging my chair the night before [Tangent: If you know me at all...you know how my semi-Catholic upbringing has made the words "I'm sorry" a knee jerk reflexive reaction to most things.] , but he made no issue of it and immediately laughed and said, "So are we going to eat...which Cracker Barrel is closest? You're gonna buy me dinner. I'm hungry."

And we did...he could push me a little further when there was hasbrown casserole on the line. That day is just indicative of him as a person and his effect on me...pushing me when I felt stuck and putting me and everyone else in his life at ease. That was his role (and often times became my role when he felt stuck in any capacity). He was always down to go on an adventure and I was happy to be his copilot. Even when he went on his biggest adventure of packing up his car and driving to the Maine wilderness, we stayed in touch and helped each other stay accountable for being the humans that we were capable of being. I'll miss that. Being at his funeral and talking to his girlfriend and his friends and family, I've seen how far reaching he was and the many sides he showed to so many people. Everyone needs a circle of humanity they can rely on for complete honesty, and I was lucky to have him as part of mine.

In looking for pictures and digging through old messages and emails, I found one from around the time my dad died. When I said I hated feeling like a pussy all the time, he told me that "it was Ok to be a pussy because the rebound to self would make all that weakness feel worth while." [Tangent: SERIOUSLY! WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?!? Shane...that's who.] Now I synthesize all those sentiments as I deal with his passing and damned if he isn't making sense of things even when he is not of this earth. I say this all the time, but it is a spoils of riches the people that I have in my corner, and he was definitely one of the greats. Cheers, friend.


Monday, November 7, 2016

A day at the Newseum

I wasn't gonna write tonight, but being the night before an election for me is like Christmas to a child. Only instead of clenching my eyelids worrying about if I am going to get the Aladdin VHS or Barbie dream house, I'm worried that I might get an orange in my stocking instead...like literally an orange. [Tangent: That is the least nonpartisan (but still kinda partisan) analogy that I can muster ...but ya'll know what side my bread is buttered on...so I need not go any further with that.]  Thinking about politics and how insane and frustrating they can be, it reminded me that The time was nigh to pull an "Aunt Linda" and tell you more about my trip to DC, the land that has spawned that frustrating insane child! 
During our time in DC, we saw a bunch of things that made a quality merlot out of every last one of my mind grapes, but the suggestion that I am happiest I took was to go to the Newseum. [Tangent: Growing up in a house that's white noise was CNN (there was no reason a second grader should know all about the Gulf War or the intricacies of the Anita Hill confirmation hearings...), I vowed I would only watch it once a day as an adult, when I could choose my programming for myself. Even then, I hypothesized that it would be like a daily vitamin and I wouldn't enjoy it. Then I went on to study Journalism...and twas my gateway drug because now I watch the news all the damn time. It's still the white noise in my home- 2-3 episodes of local news...Nightline...20/20...even Inside Edition (diversify!). Let's not go into reading articles online. ] It was amazing, and each exhibit made me say "I can't believe I am seeing this!" The only bummer was that this was the first museum that we visited, so it gave all the others humongous loafers to fill. 

The newseum is located not far from DC's China town and seriously has every relic from modern televised history that you could imagine. [Tangent: Smithsonian better step up its game! I mean I know the American History museum has Dortothy's ruby slippers...but the Newseum has the Unibomber's cabin, where of course Jamie had to Kacsynski alongside the famous sketch...trying not to get dirty looks from fellow tourists.]
 In fact while we were there, they had an exhaustive exhibit on terrorism, which included wreckage from Ground Zero and things taken from the site of the Boston Marathon. [Tangent: Since I was thousands of miles away in college on 9/11, I guess the enormity of it never fully penetrated. You can imagine that it is something distant until you are just feet away twisted metal from the twin towers. Seeing that backed by a wall of 9/12 front page headlines from all over the country was disturbing and heartbreaking and beautiful in one brush stroke.]
There was also a section of the Berlin wall on display with one of the watchtowers. [Tangent: I was young when the wall in Germany was torn down, so a lot of the images that I associate with it were added to memory bank in my adulthood. Ex: that video footage of David Hasselhoff dancing atop it with a piano scarf and that snippet from the documentary I reviewed last month, Animism, where a woman was in a romantic relationship with the wall and oddly fondled it. Once I stifled the release of those images, I really took in how awesome it was to see in person.]

There really wasn't any part of the self-guided tour that didn't make me wish I could take my brother, Chris, and my dad to this place. They would have lost their minds. This soulless robot actually teared up a little when Jamie and I were looking through the print archives of famous publications (including famous headlines like "Dewey Beats Truman" and the first issue of Rolling Stone) because I couldn't call and tell them about it.
There were little nook displays devoted to stories which I remembered ruling the airwaves during my lifetime like the 2000 election drama and the OJ trial. I mean, not to brag, but I got to see Juice's suit. That was worth the $22 price of admission alone.
 
If I ever go back to DC, and if it doesn't spontaneously crumble to the earth after tomorrow's election results, I will 100% go back because I am positive that we didn't see everything. THERE WERE 6 FLOORS! It almost made me wish I had followed my senior year in high school dreams and gone into broadcast journalism...but oh well, I'll always have this approximation brought to you by the Newseum. 


Sunday, November 6, 2016

An Honest Lipsense Review (with a discount!)- Ugh...I drank the Kool-Aid


 A few months back, my fellow blogger/internet friend Ash participated on a 30 Day Lipstick Challenge on instagram...this meant she wore lipstick for 30 consecutive days. To some this is the norm and a "challenge" that they could sleepwalk through, but to me (at the time) it seemed like an insane impossibility. [Tangent: Let me backtrack. I love makeup. LOVE IT! I don't live in it. I sometimes even go to work without a stitch on because sleep > makeup, but I sold it for YEARS back when I was in college and shortly thereafter and amassed drawers and drawers full. Even still, lipstick has ALWAYS been my Achilles heel.] Since childhood, when I played with my mom's cosmetic stash, I have been unable to look like a normal human while wearing lip product. To keep it from getting on my teeth (which is inevitably does), my knee jerk reaction is to pucker and part my lips [Tangent:... in that really unfortunate looking way that can only call to mind Jamie Fox's Wanda character from In Living Color. It's not what I would call a "sexy" look. ] for this reason I have been a big proponent of a nice tinted chap stick or just go with a very literal nude lip. In other words my Bonne Bell gets more mileage than my MAC. [Tangent: What can I say, MAC has yet to make a $2 lip gloss that tastes like a sparkly cousin of vanilla frosting. GET ON IT, ALREADY!]

 However, I am now mere days away from 34 and have decided I need to try to behave like an human woman [Tangent: I mean the kind that wanted all of the Disney Lego mini-figures, who loves the Little Debbie product line more than is healthy and who thinks farts are hilarious...but a woman nonetheless.] For that reason, even though I am not so much a beauty blogger, I feel compelled to tell you about a product that has transformed me into a lipstick person...in an honest way.[Tangent: No, I'm not steering my blog towards that...but I love a good no BS review. Also, while I'm in brackets- I don't mean that now I am a literal anthropromorpic tube of lipstick...that would be startling.] This also entauls having my big meatball head all over the net. Here goes. 

A few months ago, my friend Alex started selling something called Lipsense [Tangent: Virtually all my friends with kids have a home business, so I have an inordinate amount of Lularoe leggings and fiber lash mascara, and essential oils and anything else that is sold online or at parties.  I'm a sucker for an impulse buy...shhh...don't tell. Because of this, I have an equal number of purchases I rave about and purchases dripping with buyer's remorse. Actually probably more of the latter.] Prior to Alex, I had never heard of the stuff and you know my position on lip product, so even though it seemed legit and she was ultra crazy enthusiastic about it, I was incredibly cynical and gave a HARD pass initially. [Tangent: I am about to say something that will prove my design snobbery, but I have told Alex this time and time again in person, so I have no issue stating it on the internet for all to hear. Senegence, the parent company of Lipsense, spends very little on marketing and design because they instead spend that money toward new colors, products etc. The logo, branding and marketing materials need a complete update because the font is DISTRESSING, and I don't think reflect the quality of the product! I thought it gave off a dated or matronly vibe and didn't match the price point. If they are looking for someone to design them some new marketing materials, I'm on board. Call me, Mr. Senegence...if that is your real name.]

All my snobbish tendencies pushed aside, I soon found I was dead wrong in my bitchy assumptions- the product is begrudgingly DAMN GOOD! Apparently you shouldn't judge a makeup item by its cover because I have now 100% drank the Kool-Aid and I love it. In fact-  it's pretty much all I wear on the day to day since about April because I don't have to reapply and it doesn't budge for up to 18 hours once swiped on. [Tangent: This is essential for me because on any given day I do breathing treatments and am picked up by others, so my lip product really needs to stay put and not get all over everything and everyone in my periphery. I'm also inherently lazy so I love the fact that I just have to do my makeup in the morning and I'm golden till nighttime when I take it off with a makeup wipe...at least my lips are.]  And I don't mean that in a "says it doesn't budge" kind of way...like you can literally eat and drink and hardcore make-out with multiple partners [Tangent: Ya know...a given Tuesday.] and you will be still looking like you just put it on. Alex even went to the dentist with hers on. [Tangent: And yes, I am sure she is super excited this picture is on the internet now.]


There are some things which are different about it...not necessarily bad... just things that you have to get used to, so I'd rather tell you about them so you aren't surprised. The scent/texture/feel took a minute to adjust to because it is so drastically different than anything else [Tangent: It has a sort of alcohol-y smell, but I got used to it pretty quick...and by second application, it didn't phase me a bit.] because unlike other products- it bonds to your lip instead of sitting atop them. You apply in three one swipe layers (letting each dry in between) and then top with a gloss coat, specially formulated to seal in the color.  [Tangent: I realize that regiment sounds hella tedious...but it's really not. You're only gonna have to do it once daily, and it really only takes a minute and a half.]

Then there are the things which are awesome- its vegan and cruelty-free and anti-aging and devoid of wax, lead or anything which might cause cancer or make your future babies grow tails. [Tangent: I mean babies with tails sound real cute theoretically...but probably better kept in your imagination.]

Because I am edgy as a butter knife, I started with a color simply called nude [SO RISKY!], but I loved it so much soon I had welcomed a rainbow of shades into the fold..from a deep plum to a pale pinky nude called First Love (the ultimate everyday color!).  [Tangent: Also, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Anniston live and die by the stuff...and those are two very different ends of the makeup spectrum...so there are lots of options available.] Also I kind of like the idea that I can get all mad scientist with it and do a layer of one color then a layer of different color etc to really make the colors work for me. Even the different glosses can change the look a little depending on their tint or opacity. It makes me feel like I am using my art minor. [Tangent: Color mixing, yo!]
top row: Bella w/ opal gloss (L) Plum w/ glossy gloss (R); Bottom row: Nude w/ glossy gloss (L) First Love with opal gloss (R)
In case you need more shots of my giant noggin...and evidence that I can't make a normal face in photos and own too many glasses, check out the pic below. Even though the background is the clutter- filled guest room, it illustrates that I finally found a perfect red lip that doesn't rub all over making me look like a sad clown on a bender by the end of the day; I'm generally not going for that aesthetic. This is miracle of miracles [Tangent: About 3 years ago, I finally became able to wear red lipstick in public and not feel like a craigslist prostitute or someone wearing a costume. I finally got used to seeing it on my face and not being completely freaked out by it. I even (dare I say) liked it. Progress.] I was extremely doubtful that it would stay and that my lips wouldn't appear to be molting after a few hours, but no BS, they looked great...even hours later. I loved it. So hard. And I HATE being wrong...so this admission is very hard on my ego. 
I literally just went to Walgreens wearing crimson red,  but I felt like a sex pot picking up RX's and discount Halloween candy.
I would not bullshit you, the system is a teench pricey (for a goodwill gal like moi) at $50, the color ($25) and then a necessary topping gloss ($25) to seal it in [Tangent: I repeat! YOU HAVE TO HAVE BOTH COMPONENTS. The color won't work without the sealing layer...I tried.],  but honestly that is but a drop in the bucket next to the drawerful of untouched lipcolor I have. [Tangent: I don't know about other distributors, but I know Alex offers a money back guarantee or the ability to swap out your color so you won't feel like you're gambling your monies or just straight up throwing it out a speeding car window. She understands it's an odd experience to buy makeup online, and to be honest, some of the colors look a little different online (hence why I included the below picture). She wants you to love it like she does. And if want to see what a color looks like on an actual human, she can send you examples or see them posted in her open and very helpful FB group.]  It's a great way to try it out. Here's a good look at some of their best sellers.
If you have about a million questions, feel free to leave them in my comments section or hit up Alex's FB group for a color recommendation (or to see some other colors that might not be available on the site), she loves the opportunity to recommend things and forced me to step outside the beige. 

I'm a big girl now! Thanks Lipsense. 

OH YES... Alex is offering my readers a chance to get 10% off and free shipping if they buy product through this link and write in the notes section "Sent by That Girl in the Wheelchair"! She'll then invoice you with the discounted rate.
Any Questions?

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

My unfounded fears of travelling to DC

I've been putting off writing about my vacation for weeks, because I find it hard to tackle and wonder really does anyone give a shit? Although I LOVE reading about people's getaways, I find writing them really awkward...but I know they are good references for other people...so here goes...I'm awkward 99% of the time so truly, this is just on brand for me. This will likely be part 1 in a series so if this is your thing, "yay!" and if it's not...."oh well." [Tangent: I am writing mostly to tell people what I wish I knew before I went to DC, so suck it.]

Last month, Jamie got some vacation time he had to use that wouldn't roll over, so of course I got excited because it meant an excuse to go somewhere during that narrow window when the weather and landscape is at it's pinnacle of coppery gorgeousness and before the havoc of holiday reigns down upon us, and we become too over-scheduled to even wipe our butts. I'd been tossing around the idea about going to DC for a while and we thought election time would be optimal time to experience this city.  [Tangent: My dad was invited to go to Obama's inauguration by his democrats group, and he didn't go...I'm still bummed he missed out and wanted to carpe the ever-living f#*k out of the diem...especially given election season always makes my inner patriot emerge from its caccoon. I needed to go STAT. Remember where I revealed that slowly, and much to my chagrin I am shape-shifting into my dad, the fact that I was super jazzed to go to a bunch of museums on my "relaxing vacation" only further supports this hypothesis.]  

For some reason, unlike every one of my fellow peers from Tennessee, I never visited DC on my 8th grade field trip, so clearly I was deprived. Although, to be honest, everyone I know that went said the only things they remember are staying in a hotel with their friends or watching an Adam Sandler movie on the bus. [Ex: Jamie went in 8th grade and said his fondest memory was that the ads in the subway were for Hot Shots Part Deux, that Snow's Informer was really big and that he bought juggling scarves. Middle Schoolers are unappreciative assholes. Lesson learned.]

My former roommate and forever sister, Andraea [Tangent: She's my personal Oprah. Seriously, she and I are opposite in so many staggering ways but are basically the same person. Go read her blog.] lives there and works there and is a big deal there, so more than anything I really wanted to go see her...and have her escort me around her city. 
 Within hours of texting her, I had concocted this plan in my head, fueled 90% by enthusiasm and misplaced senses of security, to drive to DC...which is an 11 hour drive overall [Tangent: Unfortunately, outside of backing it out of a tight parking space, Jamie cannot drive my car, which is the only vehicle between us capable of lugging around the monstrosity that is my power chair. I also know if I want to travel in a city, I would go apeshit and Hulk out in frustration if I had to pushed around in my manual chair. Additionally, Jamie might not be too jazzed to push my chair all over those cobblestone streets.] In lieu of flying (which is also a gamble with a power chair), we decided to make the trip a couple days longer and stay with his parents on the way there and back. They live near the Virginia line, so its the perfect halfway point. Once again, this was on a grossly confident day that I concocted this plan. [Tangent: The furthest I had driven prior was in April when I went to Atlanta. Interstate driving for more than 5 hours in a day when you use hand controls is a beast. Cruise control doesn't exist in my universe.]

Aside from the drive itself, I acquired a couple other new worries after fully committing to this trip. It mattered not that everyone had reiterated to me numerous times how handi-friendly the area was, my mind raced with new unfounded fears like...

1. How do Subways work? 
As I slept in a bed at Jamie's parents house, halfway to DC, I started to have a mild panic when everything started to come into focus. Parking in the district is crazy expensive and frustrating, so I would have to shed my country mouse ways and learn how to use mass transit. [Tangent: All native Tennessseans probably share this ignorance about mass transit. It's so off my radar that I kind of forget that in some mythical places some people use it everyday. Riding the tram at the Atlanta airport hardly counts and Jamie said he was terrified the one time he rode the subway alone in NY. I swear, we are not complete slack-jawed yokels. Maybe.] All of these factors I had been too busy (or naive maybe) to plan out. I just imagined I would jump off a cable car and land on Andraea's stoop...easy breezy and ready to see the sites...as if there are even cable cars in DC. [Tangent: Perhaps I fell asleep watching the Full House intro. Who knows?]
Yes, the metro system seems super daunting. Luckily Andraea showed me the ropes, and even showed me that if you act like you know what you are doing, and are in a wheelchair, you don't even need a metro card. [Tangent: I mean you probably do...but I am down for the cheaper albeit possibly unethical option if it makes things easier. I just didn't make eye contact and tried not to look as confused/overwhelmed as I felt.]  We only rode it a couple times, but I was pretty excited that we didn't get off on the wrong stop or get on the wrong route. I am most thankful I had a local to show us what to do, because I didn't want "Tourist: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME" to be written on my forehead. This website is a good primer.  

2. How much of a pain in the ass will it be to get an accessible cab? 
I have only taken a cab a handful of times and usually my overserved friends made the call on that and I was using a manual that can be tossed in the trunk. [Tangent: Including the time I rode home in a party cab with strobe lights and blaring music and mardi gras beads for a ride that was less than 3 miles.]  This whole business of not driving everywhere is so outside my wheelhouse that I am not even in the driveway of said wheelhouse. [Tangent: Am I using the term wheelhouse properly? I don't even know anymore.]  In Nashville, accessible cabs exist, but not in mass and I have never summoned one before, so to be honest I just kind of assumed it would be a huge ordeal...much like most things that are specific to people with disabilities.

Luckily I googled (fully Ask Jeeves style as is my MO): "How do wheelchair users hail taxis in DC?" and I came upon the most helpful website ever. On this site I was patched through to the Taxi transit app, which gave me the ability to schedule my taxi via app and even request an accessible cab.
do you like my obnovious Jason Manzoukas wallpaper?
I worried that I would have to know hours in advance when I needed a pickup, but it worked like a dream and generally, if we were near downtown, which we always were, we only needed about 10-15 minute notice. Only once did they send us a sedan, but he immediately called in for a minivan to pick us up. [Tangent: It was surprisingly convenient, and most of our drivers were so nice that Jamie didn't even feel provoked to ask them, "Have you ever seen the movie DC Cab?" even though he really wanted to.]
 
3. Did I really just blindly book a hotel that no one has ever heard of? 
When we first picked our destination, we assumed we would just stay at an airbnb [Tangent: We had such mind-blowing experiences with our stays in Atlanta and Gaitlinburg, that surfing the app has just become a pasttime of mine, even if I am not going anywhere. Oh and while we are on the topic, this seems ripe for a shameless plug. Use this link and get $35 toward your first trip.], but as we searched the "accessible" options that offered free any kind of parking, we realized all the decent ones were already booked.  Therefore I went for plan B, I asked around what was a good neighborhood to stay in and sight unseen booked a room via Expedia at a small boutique hotel called The Normandy. [Tangent: I ran it by my friends and a colleague that went to school in DC. Everyone had been so shocked that I found a hotel in a hip part of DC for under $200 a night. Their surprise meant I was starting to become certain it was a front for a crackhouse or haunted...or both. A money-laundering hot spot swarming with ghosts. Perfect.] 

I was dead wrong. The Normandy was freakin' adorable and the staff was SO NICE. Here's proof!

It was small and private and tucked in between a bunch of embassies and most crucial- it was totally safe [Tangent: Unless some sort of reverse-Argo situation transpired.] When we arrived there had been a mix-up and they assigned us an accessible room, but not one with a roll-in shower, so within an hour they had sent someone on foot to the rire-aid down the road to buy me a shower chair. [Tangent: I sincerely would have settled for sitting on a bucket, but I was impressed with their commitment to service.] They even were so baffled by my robot car that they let me park illegally on the street all week in lieu of worrying about valet...and my bill was never charged. These people were the bees knees. And the inside was super cute toille wallpaper and a super nice bathroom and dammit if now I don't want a bedside espresso machine. 

Also, it wasn't haunted, but this sucker was right next door...and probably was. It had a very Great Expectations vibe. Every morning when we waited for our cab, we looked for faces in the window.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Halloween costume 2016: Stranger Things have Happened.

photo booth courtesy of Chad McClarnon
 With all my pains-taking effort directed at sexy costume culture this season (and every season since I started this blog), it's clear that for Halloween 2016, I opted to be the sexiest option imaginable: a chubby toothless preteen boy. [Tangent: I feel like that sentence is gonna yield some sketchy search results from some To Catch a Predator regs, but I'm too lazy to rectify it. Move along pervs. Get off my internet!] Literally I come up with a new dumb costume idea every week of the year, so I had been juggling a couple ideas when my friend Ryan [Tangent: Who will forever be F*#kable Milhouse. If you don't remember that story, read about it here. It's my favorite thing in life.] told me he was gonna be Eleven from Stranger Things. After scrolling by a "Justice for Barb" photo on Instagram, it occurred to me that Jamie's hair was just about perfect for  his favorite character, Barb....and then I followed suit by portraying my personal spirit kid, Dustin.  [Tangent: Jamie did accuse me once of trying to "Danish Girl" him because we came up with this couples costume mere days after watching that movie.]  
Our friends Bethany and Nathan also jumped on board as Steve and Nancy, which made us even locked in further to this costume concept.  
 


It seems ironic that my bearded boyfriend who doesn't own a hairbrush or wash his face ever was super jazzed about portraying his Netflix spirit animal. [Tangent: He hadn't used a blow dryer or shaved with a non-electric razor until this past weekend. He is 37.] Equally upsetting was how stunning he was as a teen girl. His skin was awesome, which is quite a punch in the face to someone like me who spends too much time, energy and money on skincare.When I told my friend Laura that I did his makeup, she said I did "too good" a job. Everyone was unsettled and thrown aback by his new look...mostly because he hasn't been nakie faced since he was Rex Manning in 2014 and he looks like a different human. [Tangent:He lost a shit ton of weight this year with his new job, so it made him slighly svelter than he would have been any other year so it seemed like a good time to go full drag. It made me only slightly uneasy that the jacket he is wearing is MINE.]  

His costume came together incredibly easy. The weird mom jeans and loafers were from Goodwill. I found the PERFECT Barb shirt on Etsy in the Lovely Betsy shop after searching "vintage bow blouse pink" and those killer glasses were actually these reading glasses on Amazon. Because vintage trapper keepers sell for some unintelligible reason for nearly 100 bucks online, he cobbled one together out of a clear front binder and an print off of her actual trapper keeper from the show. I cannot convey how much I use google image search. My mom did his hair after following the instruction, "Just do it like yours in the 80s." and I did his makeup, which just made me sad because I finally got confirmation on how long his eyelashes are, and how wasted they are on a redheaded man.

In the grand tradition of me making myself look whatever the opposite of sexy is [Tangent: I swear next year I am wearing makeup and being a girl dammit!! Why do I always paint myself into this corner with gender role mix-ups?!?!? If there is something Freudian about that...I don't want to know.] I went full tilt on my Dustin costume. I had cords and converse, so I bought the shirt and hat on Amazon for really cheap and found a jacket that would work at Goodwill. Through some googling, I learned the best way to make yourself look toothless is by using something called "Tooth Black," which is basically black wax. If you ever had terminal braces, as I did, then it's the sensory equivalent of that weird wax you used to put over your braces if it was cutting up the insides of your mouth. It never really worked in this context, so I was happy this cheap $3 invention stayed on all night even after visits to the drink station and the mashed potato bar.  [Tangent: Also two days before the Halloween parties we were attending I decided I needed bike handlebars so I bought those up on Amazon Prime too...and returned them via UPS today. I know that's likely fraud of some kind, but sincerely what the hell am I gonna do with bike handlebars now? Let's be honest, i need that $25 more than I need to have the illusion that I'm riding a bicycle...unless I wanted to take another simulated ride with the mom from Beatlejuice and a ventriloquist's dummy. That option is now gone.]

photo cred: Chad McClarnon

As was the case the year  that Kim and Kanye stole my mermaid thunder, another high profile lady and I had similar ideas. Because Stranger Things is so zeitgeisty right now, its no shock Amy Schumer also opted to be Dustin this year, creating a real "Who wore it Better" situation.
As is always the case, Halloween just reminded me how amazing and fun and creative the people I know are...and how hard I continuously have to step up my game to stay at that level. UGH! I love Halloween so hard!  What were you...or do you have some semblance of dignity unlike this gal?

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I got new lungs (well a lung tattoo anyway!)

I'm really glad I didn't start getting tattoos when I initially wanted to. At 18, I would have a lot of really dumb Dawson's Creek quote tattoos (probably in some form of Chinese character to keep things mysterious.) or an ode to Garden State on my lower back or something along those awful lines. Luckily I pussed out around every turn and didn't get any when I was young. [Tangent: I live under the assertion that people aren't the people they truly will be until they are 25.  At least that's how I was...and most everyone I know. Before then you are still in the long "figuring it out" stage.] Fear wasn't the issue...indecisiveness always was.

Luckily, now that I am creeping towards 34, I have a much easier time making decisions...which means over the last month, I have been acquiring a new tattoo. [Tangent: It took a couple sittings because my badass self thought a rib tattoo would be no biggie. It twas not. It hurt like someone was trying to dig into my rib cage with a salad fork. My threshhold for pain is generally fairly high. I sat with a smile on my face when I got my foot done...but this was PAINFUL. My friend Rae, who went with me, said it convinced her never to get her ribs done...and she has TONS of tattoos. Let's just say I got the studio got bombarded with many deserved F-Bombs and S-Grenades on day one. It was my personal war zone. The coloring day, which was yesterday, was thankfully a breeze! Why did I have to decide to get it over my actual lung!?! Why did I have to want tattoos in the two most painful locations? I'm an idiot.] For the last roughly 9 months, I have had crazy insomnia, which leads me to come up with a lot of hare-brained ideas and attempted late night vision quests. The idea for this tattoo was the result of this. 

I have crappy lungs and I had this idea that I wanted a set of amazing lungs to compensate. Because I stalk etsy and imaginary purchase prints pretty much daily,  I have seen some gorgeous anatomical botanical marriages and I wanted just that...on my body...forever. [Tangent: I gave birth to this brainchild actually on the 6 year anniversary of my lungs attempt to kill me.]  

Once the idea was planted in my head...I couldn't let it go so ran it by my best friend, who was with me when I almost died. She would tell me if it was a terrible concept (That's why you have friends!) and she assured me it was perfect...so I went ahead and emailed Eli Draughn at Safe House Tattoo before I could decide against it. [Tangent: He did such a good job on my foot canoe that I was super excited to see what he would draw up. Besides, everyone at Safe House is seriously the nicest and the whole experience is NEVER intimidating, and if you are going to spend a number of hours unable to move...you might as well be surrounded by nice people.] 

Even though I was halfway tempted to leave it black and gray so I could be a human coloring book [Tangent: My niece was super excited about that scenario...even though the concept of a tattoo is a heady one for a 5 year old. She tries to rub the one off my foot.], I'm even more in love with it after getting it colored. So much so that I want to show it to everyone...which is pretty much me pulling my shirt up at the drop off a hat revealing my pale scarred up short-waisted belly to anyone showing an ounce of interest. [Tangent: Yeah...bitchin gallbladder removal scars make me look like I was felt up by Edward Scissorhands or Revenent style bear attacked.] I'm that person now. I'm the kind of person who is contemplating wearing a bikini top as a well...top. I mean, I won't....but I'm considering it. I mean...look how freakin' pretty it is! Wouldn't you?


Thursday, October 6, 2016

Making the Pilgrimage and Losing my Festival Phobias


Even though my first concert was technically a festival [Tangent: Nashville River Stages 1998! What! What! I was in the thick of it during a Foo Fighters pit session...which might have been the coolest event of my teen years! Don't be jealous that I also saw Fastball, who were a thing for 5 minutes.], I have always found them terribly off-putting.  I tried to ignore these voices of "this is a terrible idea" when I decided to attend Pilgrimage Music & Cultural Festival a couple weekends back...and I'm glad I did.

Because I love a bargain and a time saver, I love the idea of seeing lots of bands I love in one convenient place, but they normally carry with them lots of variables that make me nervous.

What if it rains? 

What if the bathroom situation is unsavory? 

What if parking is a nightmare?  

Ughhh. So many crowds. I will never see. 

What if my old lady kicks in and I am tired by 8 o'clock and don't want to stay for headliner? 

What if someone super wasted is seated next to me and gets a little too hands on?

Based on my prior experience with all-day outdoor shows, these are ALL valid concerns and can truly harsh my music buzz. When rough terrain, freakishly hot  weather and loads of people are who are similarly sweaty and possibly intoxicated are thrown in, I usually opt out because age has dropped by bullshit tolerance significantly. This is why I have never been to Bonnaroo. [Tangent: Oh...that and the camping. Kimmie don't camp. I cannot begin to explain the reasons that is a terrible idea.] Thankfully I doubled down and bought a ticket to Pilgrimage Fest.

The fest, now in it's second year, takes place on a horse farm in near downtown Franklin, Tennessee and is organized by Kevin Griffin of Better than Ezra fame and got a producer credit from new middle Tennessee resident, J. Timberlake. There were a couple key selling points that got me intrigued and made me think "Hmmm...maybe I could do this."
  • The Saturday show featured Violent Femmes, Cake and Beck, which is a lineup that a younger Kimmie would be super jealous of...to be quite transparent- 33 year old Kimmie was equally psyched about it. [Tangent: Kiss Off is a song that will take me from 0 to 60 so fast. It was a dream to see it live...and after seeing Cake live a few years ago, I couldn't wait to do it again. Although the Sunday Americana-heavy lineup was incredibly tempting, we knew Saturday was the way to go.]
  • The drive to the festival from my home takes maybe 15 minutes
  • Day passes were under $70  (day passes aren't even always an option for some fests!)
  • The headliner goes on at 6, which means I could be home and in my jammies in time to watch the nightly news. Old woman level achieved!
I had been to Harlinsdale Farms once before for an AmericanaFest event a couple years ago, so I knew the layout was well...a farm...but luckily I am filled with misguided senses of security to do things like off-road. I imagine it would have been not-so-fun in a manual or if it had rained [Tangent: Mud is the enemy so I did many an anti-rain dance to stave it off.], but overall the accessibility options BLEW ME AWAY! I took full advantage of all the VIP disability access options. [Tangent: Even though Jamie and I had to pee side-by-side in the double-wide port-a-potty and I had to go shoeless while inside the plastic poop box to best leverage my mobility. I never said I was super classy. Luckily, it was day one and the facilities were surprisingly clean and it's mostly the fault of my enormous and unweildy chair!] 

The ADA seating was on a raised platform adjacent to the paid VIP section...in fact it was higher therefore better than the VIP section, so our view was possibly better and without the surcharge. Also, it was generally vacant except for Jamie and I so we felt pretty pleased with ourselves [Tangent: The well-intentioned ADA seating options do not always pan out so golden. Read about one of the nightmares at the riverfront here.] that we could sing along loudly to Blister in the Sun and not be judged....and furthermore didn't have to listen to other people doing the same. [Tangent: Speaking of blistering in the sun, it was disgustingly steamy outside that day at 92 degrees. Swamp ass for days. It was awesome to see they had water bottle fill up stations to keep folks hydrated, which trust we took advantage of...along with the retro-sno truck. I'll wager they made bank at the festival!]


Probably the act I was least excited about out the 3 must-sees was Beck. I've always liked Beck but I was worried it was going to be all sad Sea Change stuff and I feared that would not play well on an outdoor stage. Thankfully I was dead wrong. Beck is a teensy sex beast of a human and I was perma-smiling the entire time. [Tangent: At one point during the overlap of the Beck and Cake shows, you could hear a weird unintentional mash-up of The Distance and Loser. At this point my head exploded.] I was so impressed with his musicianship and dancing, and CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT- he had an undeniable Prince quality. I cannot be certain, but he was so convincing and had everyone hyped to such a degree...I would not be surprised if the Scientology center in Nashville gained some new "personality test" participants after the show. 
  
 The shows and vibe were awesome. Although I don't know if I would bring my children (if I had them...because I feel I would need me time if I indeed had hypothetical kids), there were loads of families there. When we were walking out to our car well before 9 PM, I overheard from the people in front of us how relaxed it was and how it had a good crowd, but never felt "crowded." I honestly can't wait to go back next year.
  



Wednesday, September 28, 2016

It's ridiculous sexy halloween costumes 2016 Edition (get your pumpkins out!)

Last week, I was waiting to be disappointed by the latest iteration of American Horror Story and as the minutes ticked by, I began to have a really important talk with my boyfriend...one that has been bubbling beneath the surface of our relationship for months...What do we want to be for Halloween? [Tangent: One of the things that drew me to Jamie initially was his love and respect to the most hallowed of days, Halloween. We both love the holiday and throw a lot of enthusiasm behind our costume each year, and unfortunately that has put a lot of pressure on us by our friends to show out year after year. Therefore we are super tempted to do the most shocking thing possible...and put minimal effort in. I told Jamie he should wear regular clothes and a Scream mask from Walgreen's and I will just wear a witch hat and a "this is my Halloween costume" shirt. Just kidding...we finally settled on something and I am super excited about it.] While having this conversation, I began to realize that my slothful blogging as of late means I haven't even started to work on my annual sexy Halloween costume post. Tragic. [Tangent: What's more upsetting is that I have been living with a folder of scantily clad women in costume in my iPhone since mid August. I'm so glad I haven't misplaced it or taken it to Verizon, because that (and probably a hell of a lot of other things on there) might mislead  people about my character. Like the time I was selling some bras (never worn) on ebay and I took my sim card to Walgreen's to make prints and then it just made me look like a real freak to the lovely sales associate.]  Luckily, you guys won't let me forget and I have been inundated with not-so-gentle pokes to keep me on this crucial task.

If you are new around these parts, then you are probably scratching your temples wondering what the hell I am talking about,  but one of my favorite parts of the most hallowed of weens is seeing the ridiculous sexy costumes that are unveiled each year. Seriously, pumpkin spice lattes are bullshit- this is the stuff people should get crazy pumped for.

At first, my natural inclination was thinking they were A. dumb and B. uncreative. Then I realized just because they are not my thing personally doesn't mean they are all that bad. If nothing else, they are hysterically funny (probably inadvertently.) [Tangent: You can't remain stoic when presented with a sexy Beatlejuice or Sexy Spongebob.]  Despite my resistance, they have stubbornly bore into my heart's sweet spot. 

Of course there are some looks which by nature skew towards the sexy side- a French maid, Harley Quinn, a Playboy bunny...but I love the creative genius that is a sexy chicken or a sexy corn on the cob. To me, their existence is the highest of art forms.  [Tangent: If you want to fall down that rabbit hole: you can see my obsession grow in these posts  2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.] Although I am not the girl that aspires to be a sexy rubix cube for Halloween, I think her story deserves to be told...or better yet the costume designer who decides that a brain-bending toy from the 1980s is yearning to be sexualized. I wanna meet that guy. I think he'd be fun at a party.

Each year, I check out Yandy.com, because truly one need look no further if you are in the mood to bare your tsotchkes in a way that screams "yes! I'm dressed like a sexy gumball machine, deal with it!" Let's check out this year's crop of ridiculous thigh-high sconced getups! 

Disney a-go-go
We've all been there...sitting watching a Walt Disney production thinking, "Damn, I wanna hit that!" Sure some characters like Jasmine or Tinkerbell (or hell, if you're me- Aladdin...hubba hubba) naturally show some skin and have some pepper in their pot...but Yandy thinks, "why stop there? Why limit yourself? Who not bring the animal stars into the fold?"

Clearly, nothing is sacred, not even orphaned animals from two of the most tragic Disney films of all time [Tangent: Surely if there was a vagina- baring baby Simba, the perfect emotionally confusing group costume would be born.] . These two characters have some severe mommy issues, but who says they can't work for girls with daddy issues too? Versatility- that's a Yandy staple. Also, kudos to this sweet model for appearing easy breezy and care-free with a big top over her goodies.

I can say with 100% certainty that this is exactly what Lewis Carroll envisioned when he wrote about Alice's adventures in Wonderland [Tangent: At least I'm guessing, because the 1860s were the era of spandex/faux fur literal cat suits. I've never been fantastic at history so I refuse to fact check that.] To be honest, this saucy Cheshire cat is actually modest for Yandy standards, the thing I found curious is the bizarre placement of the tail, and the way this smizing spokesmodel chose to showcase it. She could have sassily posed with it in her hand, but no- she let it dangle in her crotch region. At least I know now that the beloved smirking feline from my childhood is packing! Meow indeed. [Tangent: 2 things. Smiriking Feline is a good strip club name. 2. This is my all time favorite Yandy model. I became familiar with her work when she was "sexy hamburger" a few years ago. A woman that can give come hither glances while donning a tiny sesame seed bun chapeau is truly a talented. THAT ISN'T EASY!]
 If you can conclude that this is Dory from Finding Dory, then you get a gold star at deductive reasoning. Aside from the color scheme and ambiguous appendages, there is nothing really that screams "fish with a cognitive disability." A lot of these costumes will have people at your halloween party asking, "So what are you again?"Frankly, this one isn't that repulsive to me. I kind of like it and I may have googled "fish lip hoodie" because that is a winning look that could possibly work for everyday, right?


Sci Fi...Oh My! 
From Leia in a gold bikini to Uhura, there are logical and iconic sex pots from outer space. These are not those, rest assured. 
Of course, George Lucas has not greenlit these sexy Chewbacca or sexy Ewok looks. Much like the "sexy space goblin" aka Yoda from years past, these are marketed as "furry space companion", and "far away galaxy bear" respectively... which in itself makes me laugh really hard. [Tangent: I sincerely love thinking about the fuzzy boots on that Chewie. It's as if the famed wookie has simply shaved from mid thigh to below the knee. It's not unheard of. I pull this move a lot in early fall when boot season kicks in. Regardless of my disgusting habits, this is more Chewbacca MILF and less Chewbacca mom]
So....I'm guessing you didn't get "spaceman" and "cyborg" from these images either? The one on the left seriously looks like a gymnastics leotard from team Brazil paired with a pom pom head band [Tangent: I like that if you get frustrated saying "but I'm a martian, duh!" then you can lose the headband and opt into something else altogether. Wearing a leotard seems more logical for a gymnast anyway]. To give credit where credit is due, I give the designer of the sex-bot mad props for his restraint in the robo-gina area. By the looks of those crazy boobs, It could have easily spiraled out of hand.

More Bastardized Characters from your Youth
You thought I was going to stop ruining your childhood with those hotsy totsy Disney looks...nope. I'm about to make you equal parts horny, shocked and nostalgic. It's a deadly combo.
I sincerely cannot remember if I have showcased this sexy Dumb and Dumber suit before, but I'm too lazy to investigate and honestly- it begs to be shown again. The girl who wears this is saying, "I wanna have a dude saying 'so, you're telling me there's a chance' all night, but I also want my ass cheeks to hang out a bit." [Tangent: I think if I were going to approach this look, I would go with Harry and not Lloyd. Orange crushed velvet doesn't make the men come a'runnin...just ask every dress I wanted to wear to the 8th grade dance.] Can I be candid? This one almost made my "i kinda like these" list.
 It's incredibly progressive and forward-thinking to not pigeon hole the weird bodycon costumes as Mrs. Pacman. I mean you could easily slap a bow on her, but I like that this sends the message that it is neither a masculine not feminine pursuit to like chasing ghosts and filling their face with balls. Oh. Wait. [Tangent: Also, Lady Hamburger is SELLING that pinky costume. Kudos for days.]
Can we all agree that Taz is the absolute worst? He doesn't really talk...he just runs and slobbers everywhere (and occasionally wears hip hop gear), so I find it curious that is getting a turn in the Yandy sunshine. I mean maybe the razor sharp teeth and tongue coming out of the navel are comely to some...but I don't get it...and I don't want to meet those folks.
Speaking of 'What the literal hell?'....I give you sexy Patrick Starfish. The world is taking crazy pills. Also a lot of starfish are hermaphroditic, so I hope you don't party with a lot of marine biologists who will make weird jokes to you about that all night.

History...now with more boobs! 
 I was decent in history. It wasn't my worst, but it was never my best subject. I am bad with dates (IN SO MANY WAYS) so I cannot confirm or deny the historical accuracy of these two costumes, so ya'll may have to weigh in. Even still, I assure you these are the best ways to prove you are interested in world events.
Alexander Hamilton is surely the founding father that I would want to know in the biblical sense, so I gather a lot of other ladies wanna show their spirit (for the man and the musical stuck in everyone's head) this Halloween. Here's the issue- men in that era wore a LOT of layers...how does one let their titties out a little? EASY! Take out the shirt layer altogether and sub in a weird necklace dicky/ascot contraption. Problem solved. [Tangent: This is another one I almost liked.]

I think we can all agree the most potent way to pay tribute and show respect for the greatest generation is to strap working propellers to your ta's. Right? This sexy WWII pilot (or something?) is nothing if not laced with subtlety.

Animal Style
From the beginning of time, women have been wearing cat ears and a corset and calling it a costume. This should not be a shocker.
 Ok. Before you laugh off this completely ridiculous costume. Consider this: Maybe this lass in the unweildy claw gloves and tiny top hat is just a big fan of the independent film "The Lobster." This is not a woman scrambling in a stupid costume, maybe she is a cinaphile. Show some respect.
Not gonna lie. I hate birds, but majestic raver parrot is a look that I would strongly consider

Something is Fishy
"Under the sea...under the sea...life can bet better...down where it's wetter...take it from me" Gross. Dammit. I just ruined a song sung by a Jamaican crab. I am not pleased with myself.
God I love a mermaid costume (as evidenced here) so my problem with these is not that a mer-kini exists [Tangent: This is America...I hope it exists!]...it's that if you think about it- it gets a bit troubling. What is the sexiest and most recognizable aspect of a mermaid? The tail. By making the only fish portion the crotch...well, let's just say things get a little dicey for me

Law & Order 
I watch the news twice a day, so I see that the position of being a police officer in the US is a controversial and often heated spot to be in, but that doesn't mean that yandy won't crank out as many iterations as possible of the standard sexy cop.
 I'm not sure if this is the way to support the blue lives matter movement, but there are stranger concepts out there. Most of these are just your run of the mill chicks with handcuffs...except that one on the far left that is just a weird two piece smattered with grenades and caution tape. Stay away? No problemo.
This decidedly non-regulation sexy prisoner uniform is one of my absolute favorites. Why? That inmate number brings back memories of the only time middle school math class was ever fun for me. Remember getting to use calculators for the first time and you felt like a golden god? Not only did you feel like you were cheating, but because you could spell Boobs with the keys:  80085. Numbers can be fun, kids! [Tangent: If I were to pull off this uniform, I would have to change the inmate number to 55378008 and only stand on my head to make the joke work. Since that is pretty near impossible, it's pretty safe to say that I will never be a sexy inmate. Dangit!]

Naughty Superheroes
There are so many sexy comic book characters on the yandy site. Some make sense. Wonder Woman and CatWoman can't help but ooze sexy vibes (because they are quite literally composed of a boustier and vinyl catsuit. The seductive quality is innate), but these not so much.
Riddle me this, Batman, do you think that weird question mark vagina adornment is on purpose or purely coincidental? I'm gonna wager they had an inkling what they were doing. [Tangent: Also, fear not, the site served up a spicy version of the Jared Leto joker from Suicide Squad...just in case you were in the mood for something even more terrible than the original.]

I think I saved my favorite for last. I give you Sexy Wolverine...sans mutton chops and adamantium claws [Tangent: Thanks nerdy boyfriend for telling me what they were called! I would have called them scissorhands.]. So, basically it is a one piece with boots. When yandy serves up a costume that is completely devoid of anything that is critical to the original character, I know they have hit their climax! [Tangent: My all-time favorite offender in this arena is the Sexy Texas Chainsaw Massacre costume - Miss Leatherface that completely lacks the titular leather face. People who wear that look on the 31st are likely confused for a Tool Time tool girl all evening.]

Whew...that post only took me two weeks to grind out. [Tangent: Pun not intended.] Also, it should be blatantly obvious to you by this point that I am not working as a Yandy affiliate...even though I am fairly certain I give their URL serious traffic. You'd be surprised how many people google "sexy care bear"...or maybe you wouldn't after reading this post. Wonders never cease. 

Which is your Favorite?  
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