If you are new around these parts, then you are probably scratching your temples wondering what the hell I am talking about, but one of my favorite parts of the most hallowed of weens is seeing the ridiculous sexy costumes that are unveiled each year. Seriously, pumpkin spice lattes are bullshit- this is the stuff people should get crazy pumped for.
At first, my natural inclination was thinking they were A. dumb and B. uncreative. Then I realized just because they are not my thing personally doesn't mean they are all that bad. If nothing else, they are hysterically funny (probably inadvertently.) [Tangent: You can't remain stoic when presented with a sexy Beatlejuice or Sexy Spongebob.] Despite my resistance, they have stubbornly bore into my heart's sweet spot.
Of course there are some looks which by nature skew towards the sexy side- a French maid, Harley Quinn, a Playboy bunny...but I love the creative genius that is a sexy chicken or a sexy corn on the cob. To me, their existence is the highest of art forms. [Tangent: If you want to fall down that rabbit hole: you can see my obsession grow in these posts 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.] Although I am not the girl that aspires to be a sexy rubix cube for Halloween, I think her story deserves to be told...or better yet the costume designer who decides that a brain-bending toy from the 1980s is yearning to be sexualized. I wanna meet that guy. I think he'd be fun at a party.
Each year, I check out Yandy.com, because truly one need look no further if you are in the mood to bare your tsotchkes in a way that screams "yes! I'm dressed like a sexy gumball machine, deal with it!" Let's check out this year's crop of ridiculous thigh-high sconced getups!
Disney a-go-goWe've all been there...sitting watching a Walt Disney production thinking, "Damn, I wanna hit that!" Sure some characters like Jasmine or Tinkerbell (or hell, if you're me- Aladdin...hubba hubba) naturally show some skin and have some pepper in their pot...but Yandy thinks, "why stop there? Why limit yourself? Who not bring the animal stars into the fold?"
Clearly, nothing is sacred, not even orphaned animals from two of the most tragic Disney films of all time [Tangent: Surely if there was a vagina- baring baby Simba, the perfect emotionally confusing group costume would be born.] . These two characters have some severe mommy issues, but who says they can't work for girls with daddy issues too? Versatility- that's a Yandy staple. Also, kudos to this sweet model for appearing easy breezy and care-free with a big top over her goodies.
[Tangent: At least I'm guessing, because the 1860s were the era of spandex/faux fur literal cat suits. I've never been fantastic at history so I refuse to fact check that.] To be honest, this saucy Cheshire cat is actually modest for Yandy standards, the thing I found curious is the bizarre placement of the tail, and the way this smizing spokesmodel chose to showcase it. She could have sassily posed with it in her hand, but no- she let it dangle in her crotch region. At least I know now that the beloved smirking feline from my childhood is packing! Meow indeed. [Tangent: 2 things. Smiriking Feline is a good strip club name. 2. This is my all time favorite Yandy model. I became familiar with her work when she was "sexy hamburger" a few years ago. A woman that can give come hither glances while donning a tiny sesame seed bun chapeau is truly a talented. THAT ISN'T EASY!]
If you can conclude that this is Dory from Finding Dory, then you get a gold star at deductive reasoning. Aside from the color scheme and ambiguous appendages, there is nothing really that screams "fish with a cognitive disability." A lot of these costumes will have people at your halloween party asking, "So what are you again?"Frankly, this one isn't that repulsive to me. I kind of like it and I may have googled "fish lip hoodie" because that is a winning look that could possibly work for everyday, right?
Sci Fi...Oh My!From Leia in a gold bikini to Uhura, there are logical and iconic sex pots from outer space. These are not those, rest assured.
[Tangent: I sincerely love thinking about the fuzzy boots on that Chewie. It's as if the famed wookie has simply shaved from mid thigh to below the knee. It's not unheard of. I pull this move a lot in early fall when boot season kicks in. Regardless of my disgusting habits, this is more Chewbacca MILF and less Chewbacca mom]
So....I'm guessing you didn't get "spaceman" and "cyborg" from these images either? The one on the left seriously looks like a gymnastics leotard from team Brazil paired with a pom pom head band [Tangent: I like that if you get frustrated saying "but I'm a martian, duh!" then you can lose the headband and opt into something else altogether. Wearing a leotard seems more logical for a gymnast anyway]. To give credit where credit is due, I give the designer of the sex-bot mad props for his restraint in the robo-gina area. By the looks of those crazy boobs, It could have easily spiraled out of hand.
More Bastardized Characters from your YouthYou thought I was going to stop ruining your childhood with those hotsy totsy Disney looks...nope. I'm about to make you equal parts horny, shocked and nostalgic. It's a deadly combo.
[Tangent: I think if I were going to approach this look, I would go with Harry and not Lloyd. Orange crushed velvet doesn't make the men come a'runnin...just ask every dress I wanted to wear to the 8th grade dance.] Can I be candid? This one almost made my "i kinda like these" list.
It's incredibly progressive and forward-thinking to not pigeon hole the weird bodycon costumes as Mrs. Pacman. I mean you could easily slap a bow on her, but I like that this sends the message that it is neither a masculine not feminine pursuit to like chasing ghosts and filling their face with balls. Oh. Wait. [Tangent: Also, Lady Hamburger is SELLING that pinky costume. Kudos for days.]
History...now with more boobs!I was decent in history. It wasn't my worst, but it was never my best subject. I am bad with dates (IN SO MANY WAYS) so I cannot confirm or deny the historical accuracy of these two costumes, so ya'll may have to weigh in. Even still, I assure you these are the best ways to prove you are interested in world events.
Alexander Hamilton is surely the founding father that I would want to know in the biblical sense, so I gather a lot of other ladies wanna show their spirit (for the man and the musical stuck in everyone's head) this Halloween. Here's the issue- men in that era wore a LOT of layers...how does one let their titties out a little? EASY! Take out the shirt layer altogether and sub in a weird necklace dicky/ascot contraption. Problem solved. [Tangent: This is another one I almost liked.]
Animal StyleFrom the beginning of time, women have been wearing cat ears and a corset and calling it a costume. This should not be a shocker.
Something is Fishy"Under the sea...under the sea...life can bet better...down where it's wetter...take it from me" Gross. Dammit. I just ruined a song sung by a Jamaican crab. I am not pleased with myself.
(as evidenced here) so my problem with these is not that a mer-kini exists [Tangent: This is America...I hope it exists!]...it's that if you think about it- it gets a bit troubling. What is the sexiest and most recognizable aspect of a mermaid? The tail. By making the only fish portion the crotch...well, let's just say things get a little dicey for me
Law & OrderI watch the news twice a day, so I see that the position of being a police officer in the US is a controversial and often heated spot to be in, but that doesn't mean that yandy won't crank out as many iterations as possible of the standard sexy cop.
[Tangent: If I were to pull off this uniform, I would have to change the inmate number to 55378008 and only stand on my head to make the joke work. Since that is pretty near impossible, it's pretty safe to say that I will never be a sexy inmate. Dangit!]
Naughty SuperheroesThere are so many sexy comic book characters on the yandy site. Some make sense. Wonder Woman and CatWoman can't help but ooze sexy vibes (because they are quite literally composed of a boustier and vinyl catsuit. The seductive quality is innate), but these not so much.
[Tangent: Also, fear not, the site served up a spicy version of the Jared Leto joker from Suicide Squad...just in case you were in the mood for something even more terrible than the original.]
I think I saved my favorite for last. I give you Sexy Wolverine...sans mutton chops and adamantium claws [Tangent: Thanks nerdy boyfriend for telling me what they were called! I would have called them scissorhands.]. So, basically it is a one piece with boots. When yandy serves up a costume that is completely devoid of anything that is critical to the original character, I know they have hit their climax! [Tangent: My all-time favorite offender in this arena is the Sexy Texas Chainsaw Massacre costume - Miss Leatherface that completely lacks the titular leather face. People who wear that look on the 31st are likely confused for a Tool Time tool girl all evening.]
Whew...that post only took me two weeks to grind out. [Tangent: Pun not intended.] Also, it should be blatantly obvious to you by this point that I am not working as a Yandy affiliate...even though I am fairly certain I give their URL serious traffic. You'd be surprised how many people google "sexy care bear"...or maybe you wouldn't after reading this post. Wonders never cease.
Which is your Favorite?