Sunday, July 25, 2010

Flair Me.

I have been driving for a year and a half. I love my brown mini van with handicapped plates as much as I think it's possible to love a brown mini van with handicapped plates. The Chocolate Love Machine or Sexual Chocolate has worn through a set of tires and has had her oil changed- yet, I have I have yet to add any good flair to him/her. [Tangent: In my sick mind- vehicles should be female, but part of me thinks since I am female (I hope that's not news to you) that I should objectify my car and make it male. Since I couldn't decide on this weird ethical dilemma- Sexual Chocolate was my way of remaining gender neutral and giving a little nod to Coming To America. Yes, my car is a shim.]

The general flair is accounted for. My mom left a lei in there after a July 4th picnic, because, apparently, she thinks that I need to decorate my car like I am returning from Spring Break '97 in PCB. I also have the standard above the sun visor cd holder and my little bearded Irishman named Shamus who sits in my little dashboard ridge. He's my navigator.

I still lack flair. When I was little and dreamed of a car- I envisioned that it would look like the suspenders of a TGI Friday's waiter or the walls of a Cracker Barrel [Tangent: could play a drinking game with the amount of mentions CB get in my blogs...and you would be shithammered, so I don't recommend it.] I thought maybe I would have weird bobble headed dogs on my dash and hula dancers and seasonally appropriate Jack-In-The-Box heads adorning my antennae. I have since realized that's slightly tacky.

Maybe the bumper sticker route is where I should turn my attention. My dad gifts me witty liberal stickers on a bi-monthy basis, but I live in a blood red county. Additionally I like my paint job and don't enjoy being undeservedly cursed in traffic (trust that I give my fellow drivers plenty of reason for vulgarity without exacerbating the matter with stickers.) I was also given the following sticker which I love and feel fits me to a T, but also feel sort of invites sexual assault upon myself. [Tangent:I already drive what my friends refer to as a 'rape van'...I need not add fuel to that fire. For that reason, I think it's more an 'indoor sticker.']

Today when we were driving out in rural Tennessee, I decided maybe I should go with the classic Chevy pees on Ford Calvin and Hobb's sticker [Tangent: please click here if you are unfamiliar. Why do I find it so funny that you can select the peeing direction?], but I don't really have ill will towards any particualar automaker- so maybe I should just kick a defunct manufacturer while they're down. Chevy pees on Saturn. Chevy pees on Datsun. Chevy pees on Edsel.


  1. Perhaps you could have a reassuring bumper sticker like "I am not kidnapping anyone." Simple, but edifying.

  2. Captivating blog, as usual. I don't know of any suggestions for you, though... but I absolutely love the, "Flirty, Dirty and Nerdy" sticker. It kind of made me think of my blog... :)

  3. My fav bumpersticker of all time " Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks your an asshole ".

  4. Sammi had bumper stickers on her car that she attached with magnet strips. It worked great and it didn't hurt the paint job.


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