Sunday, July 25, 2010

Flair Me.


I have been driving for a year and a half. I love my brown mini van with handicapped plates as much as I think it's possible to love a brown mini van with handicapped plates. The Chocolate Love Machine or Sexual Chocolate has worn through a set of tires and has had her oil changed- yet, I have I have yet to add any good flair to him/her. [Tangent: In my sick mind- vehicles should be female, but part of me thinks since I am female (I hope that's not news to you) that I should objectify my car and make it male. Since I couldn't decide on this weird ethical dilemma- Sexual Chocolate was my way of remaining gender neutral and giving a little nod to Coming To America. Yes, my car is a shim.]

The general flair is accounted for. My mom left a lei in there after a July 4th picnic, because, apparently, she thinks that I need to decorate my car like I am returning from Spring Break '97 in PCB. I also have the standard above the sun visor cd holder and my little bearded Irishman named Shamus who sits in my little dashboard ridge. He's my navigator.

I still lack flair. When I was little and dreamed of a car- I envisioned that it would look like the suspenders of a TGI Friday's waiter or the walls of a Cracker Barrel [Tangent: yep...you could play a drinking game with the amount of mentions CB get in my blogs...and you would be shithammered, so I don't recommend it.] I thought maybe I would have weird bobble headed dogs on my dash and hula dancers and seasonally appropriate Jack-In-The-Box heads adorning my antennae. I have since realized that's slightly tacky.

Maybe the bumper sticker route is where I should turn my attention. My dad gifts me witty liberal stickers on a bi-monthy basis, but I live in a blood red county. Additionally I like my paint job and don't enjoy being undeservedly cursed in traffic (trust that I give my fellow drivers plenty of reason for vulgarity without exacerbating the matter with stickers.) I was also given the following sticker which I love and feel fits me to a T, but also feel sort of invites sexual assault upon myself. [Tangent:I already drive what my friends refer to as a 'rape van'...I need not add fuel to that fire. For that reason, I think it's more an 'indoor sticker.']


Today when we were driving out in rural Tennessee, I decided maybe I should go with the classic Chevy pees on Ford Calvin and Hobb's sticker [Tangent: please click here if you are unfamiliar. Why do I find it so funny that you can select the peeing direction?], but I don't really have ill will towards any particualar automaker- so maybe I should just kick a defunct manufacturer while they're down. Chevy pees on Saturn. Chevy pees on Datsun. Chevy pees on Edsel.

4 comments:

  1. Perhaps you could have a reassuring bumper sticker like "I am not kidnapping anyone." Simple, but edifying.

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  2. Captivating blog, as usual. I don't know of any suggestions for you, though... but I absolutely love the, "Flirty, Dirty and Nerdy" sticker. It kind of made me think of my blog... :)

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  3. My fav bumpersticker of all time " Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks your an asshole ".

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  4. Sammi had bumper stickers on her car that she attached with magnet strips. It worked great and it didn't hurt the paint job.

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