Thursday, July 22, 2010

It Can't all be Wedding Cake

* Again...If you don't find this picture funny...we're over.

I love weddings. I have no idea why. I am not in a relationship, never have a date to them....but I am definitely NOT one of those girls that sees a wedding as a reason to dwell on their own lack of wedded bliss. I really see it more as a reason to fantasize about an amazing theme wedding. [Tangent: This is a weird hobby of mine. As a subsidiary of my past time of having ridiculous hypothetical conversations- I am really good at themes for weddings and parties that will never come to fruition. I do imagine one day when I choose to become one half of an old married couple, it will be after a brilliantly executed theme affair.]

I think it all started when I was a little girl. At 9 years old, I
was semi hell bent on walking down the aisle under water (not completely submerged, but waist deep). This way I could literally walk down the aisle due to the buoyancy of the water and the fact that it makes me weightless, maybe at the YMCA during rest period. The lap swimming lane would be my aisle. My wedding planning involved me wearing a sparkly white bathing suit with veil and my groom wearing black swim trunks with a bow tie (but no collar and faux cuffs or top hat, we wouldn’t want to be gaudy. After all, we need to keep our swimming pool nuptuals classy.)
Later in life, I realized maybe this wasn't the best idea. There was far too much room for error. Not many people like to be photographed in swimwear
(I don't pal around with Hawaiian Tropic contestants.) Furthermore, what if my guests couldn't swim? What if it rains and everyone gets called out of the pool during a lightning threat? What if my black friends didn't wanna mess up their perms? I needed to be reasonable.

Then one Sunday morning I was at my favorite white trash eatery, Cracker Barrel [Tangent: yep...thats two blogs in a row I have mentioned my affinity for ol' CB...get used to it. It's a bigger part of my life than most people.]. When discussing my infatuation with the old country store, I had the brilliant idea that they could cater my one day ceremony complete with a hashbrown casserole (or HBC for those in the know) layer cake and a buffet of delicious bacon-laiden veggie options. But I take everything a step further than usual - I thought why not make it a complete Cracker Barrel affair? Music of course would be courtesy of Johnny Cash/Alabama/Conway Twitty/George Jones/Dolly Parton/_________(<----insert other Cracker Barrel favorite country artist here).

My bridesmaids would wear homespun outfits from the clearance rack. Preferably with embellishments or gorgeous horses emblazoned on them. My groom would don either a "Property of Nashville XXL" shirt or maybe "Nothing Runs like a Deere." I would leave that up to the gentleman who gives me his last name. [Tangent: Unless he wanted us to wear brown aprons with our names and number of years together portrayed in gold stars, because that is just not part of my vision.] Some sort of centerpieces would also be concocted out of Goo-Goo clusters and rock candy. Possibly even a signature cocktail using Stewart's root beer and rum seems in order.

*The wedding favors are obvious.

Don't get me wrong, I am not completely greedy with this wedding planning genius. A couple years ago my friend Ashley lost her wedding ring at work [Tangent/important back story: My friend Ashley has more convictions that any person I know (not convictions as in felonies, more like strong moral beliefs). She is a strict Vegan who doesn't wear or buy anything non-organic or made in China. In fact many items in my closet are there because they were not made in America, so went against her beliefs. It goes without saying it has been years since she set foot inside anything capitalist or with any ounce of shady business practice like a McDonalds or a WalMart. It also should be obvious that the ring in question was not a diamond, lest we forget what Leo Dicaprio taught us about the diamond industry.]

To cheer her up, as she made her quest to find it in the cubicle maze, I told her now was her chance to reinvent her image with a new blood diamond ring and a new wedding ceremony to accompany it. Nothing says 'I love you and want to be your forever mate' more than knowing thousands died in genocide to bring you sparkly jewelry. Imagine the possible directions to display conspicuous consumption and Un-PC-ness (when you say that out loud, it sounds like penis...and that just made me giggle...It appears I'm 12).

Ashley could wear a floor length chinchilla coat over a wedding dress made of genuine clubbed baby seal carcass. Very rare endangered flowers would be cut and put in her hair. Perhaps we could find a skilled craftsman (or an illegal immigrant) to build a hoopa out of 200-year-old California Redwoods, under which Mel Gibson could perform the ceremony (He made a Jesus movie, so I imagine that makes him an official of some sort). Dinner would be served on bone china (literally made from the bones of dinosaurs) and ivory handled cutlery. The buffet would feature exclusively veal and assorted pesticide-enriched fruits and veggies. [Tangent: The snow leopard shanks with a side of empire penguin eggs were slightly out of the budget- we would not want to get out of hand or else we would seek out a sponsor. WalMart of course being the go to].

For entertainment, a band of homeless people and performing puppy mill dogs would dance around a constantly flowing fountain of water from the Amazon as guests sip their non-fair trade coffee. At the end of the evening, guests would be treated to a pyrotechnic display. A historic building would be blown up with elaborate fireworks and "Ashley and Clay Forever" would light up the night sky, filling it with smog and ash as the lovebirds drive away in their getaway car, a Hummer. That wreaks of love and class.

*Trashley's actual wedding photo!


  1. I am honored to be a part of your impeccable writing. ---however, even more honored to be your lover. If ever a person should steal you away from me, albeit I might attempt to kill them, I would tread water for hours to be a part of your wedding. oh how i <3 you. and your witty ways.

  2. Three words:
    Dinosaur. Bone. Plates.

    Three more words:
    They're extinct anyway.

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