Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Trumped by Facebook.

Wednesday, at about 3 pm, I was sitting diligently at my desk, processing claims and having my brain transitioning from jell-o to cream of wheat as it does everyday about that time. If I didn't see something other than that blaring yellow and Carolina blue bill review screen, I felt a nervous breakdown was nigh. As an intervention, I opened the tiny, easily minimizable half screen of facebook to see if I had missed any urgent goings on. [Tangent: I have a very unhealthy relationship with Facebook. I love it and feel like I need validation from it, but it does not love me back. It's like a Maury Povich episode where the girl in the polyester too-tight tiger print velour top and prom up-do is saying, "but I love him." Whilst the object of her undeserved affection just kinda shrugs and says, "Maury, I can't be tied down." That, in essence, is where I stand/sit with the social networking site. I am very attentive to it, and it is indifferent (such is life).].

Facebook used to be blocked at work, and I generally still try to imagine it still is on the blocked list to keep me from logging on. I'm only to assume somebody in corporate was really into Farmville or Yoville! or one of those other lame -ville's and had to lift the ban so that their crops wouldn't go untended.

To my surprise I saw the following in my brother's news feed.

Michael went from being "in a relationship" to "engaged." · ·

WHAT?!?!?! I mean, I knew my brother was in Russia with his girlfriend. Something told me my brother would do it big and ask her there, but I had no proof to back it up. However, I remained pissed that possibly randoms he met at a party once or people he hadn't seen since 8th grade knew about this before his own flesh and blood.

Damn you Facebook! How dare you scoop me. Facebook wasn't just keeping me on top of people's feelings about the death of Bea Arthur or about last night's Jersey Shore, but it was now telling me about important events going on in my family. TOO FAR! This unhealthy relationship I was having with social media was taking the bullet train to being abusive.

I snatched my cell phone of my desk and raced out to the elevator area (which I have been told by people I telephonically conversate is an area that makes me sound like I am in a mineshaft and/or cave, which somehow makes my job sound more interesting.), and dialed my dad's number. I needed to get to the bottom of this, then I decided after ring number 2 that surely my own father would have called me if he had this news [Tangent: Other reasons my dad has called me at work: He can't find a phone number. He wants to remind me its a sibling's birthday. He can't figure out the computer. He wants to tell me that some mail came for me. So to assume that he would call me to tell me about an engagement in the immediate family seems logical, right?] I had to tell someone who would care, so I called my sister. Turns out that she was as enraged as I was. Not about the wedding, we were super ecstatic about having Kristine in the Jones family, it was more that we were so clueless about it....and that Facebook knew about it before we had any semblance of a notion (Yes, I imagine that Facebook is a person. Don't make it weird. I imagine him looking strikingly similar to "The Claw" on Inspector Gadget.)

Luckily, I worked overtime on Wednesday, so didn't have to see my parents. I had a feeling that as soon as I saw my sweet mother and father, I was gonna explode and give them the news or implode and hide in the closet to avoid telling them the news. Luckily, all my coworkers had reinforced that it wasn't my news to tell. (To which I wanted to say, "His college roomate knows. The kid he rode carpool with knows in 4th grade knows. His parents should.")

Just to reaffirm, I am really bad at playing it cool.

Me: So, Dad....have you heard from Mikey today?

Dad: Yeah...he called earlier. I was in at the doctor, so I told him I would have to call him back.(Suddenly my dad had cell phone etiquette. Strange.)

Me: But, he was calling from St. Petersburg. That's expensive. Maybe he needed you for something.

Dad: Oh...well he'll call back tomorrow. He said everything was fine.

*cue my head exploding*

I tried to stay on the periphery of conversation all evening to keep the chamber of secrets intact and decided to go to bed at 9:30 when I felt fatigue set in. Everyone knows you cannot be at peak performance under great fatigue. That rule is not only for athletes and scholars, but also for ineffective liars, like myself.

About 11:30 pm, the bizarre dream I was having was interrupted. I heard the phone ring and heard mom and dad bumble around in the den getting all excited. About 4 minutes into the conversation, my mom comes into my room and playfully berates me for not telling her. Damned if you do...damned if you don't.

Congratulations! Welcome to the monkey house, Kristine. I hope you get some of the crazy out of this gene pool!


  1. You'll always have Myspace.

  2. Anonymous, you are far too clever.
    Kimmie- you are a brilliant writer. You, FTW.

  3. Congratulations to Mikey! That's exciting... but Facebook is clearly an attention whore.

  4. Thanks loves. Hate to blow your cover anonymous, but I TOTALLY know who you are. :)


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