Wednesday, July 21, 2010

You Were Always on My Mind



*If you think this kitten is adorable you may not want to read this blog...



I love the idea that someone is thinking about me, even when I am not around. As if I am omniscient and ever-present; Its a reassuring feeling. The weird thing is the times I get brought up or thought of are usually the following:

"I was at Cracker Barrell eating hashbrown casserole today
and totally thought of you."
This makes sense because I LOVE Cracker Barrell and make no secret that it is my 'happy place.'

"I thought of you today when I was sitting on the toilet..."
This makes less sense to me and sadly has been uttered to me on numerous occasions..maybe someone can help me out on this one.

Today I was sitting around the break room lunch table with some of my lovely coworkers. We had just listened to my friend Carri, a sweet little mother of 4, tell us all how she made a turkey sandwich for Peter Frampton when she was 15 at the Hilton in Brentwood. He was so pleased with her kindness that he kissed her quite firmly and emphatically on the right side of her mouth. [Tangent: This launched into a long discussion how she should sensationalize this story and sell it to the Star. Carri is 31 and looks roughly 16, so it can be assumed that when she was 15, she looked 8. A kiss from an aging rock star seems like an odd reciprocation for simply making a turkey sandwich, especially a full on mouth kiss. (I mean unless it was on, lets say, fancy Sarah Lee bread with the perfect ratio of mayo and mustard...oh and thinly sliced turkey...then that seems a completely legitimate response.)]

OK....back to my point. Conversation turned to one of our newest web obsession, which I refer to as time sucks. The site my coworkers are currently obsessed with is http://www.dontevenreply.com, which is basically where an impressively assholey fella answers craigslist ads, horrifying people in the process. It is truly right down my alley. Dawn, my friend and follower, interjected, "Oh my god, I totally thought of you last night while I was reading one of those. It reminded me of you."

As she recounted the post to me in gorey detail, I sat horrified and thought, "Why the hell did you think of me?!?"

The following is the post that reminded her of me. DISCLAIMER: The following is kinda graphic. Hilarious, but graphic. I may dislike cats and think some cat people are strange, but I would never do the following.


Original ad:
670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com
$4000 OBO
From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

Hi Joe,

Is the wood chipper still for sale?

Thanks,

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

From Me to Joe ******:

I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

From Me to Joe ******:

Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

From Me to Joe ******:

Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little fuckers pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

.......................................wow. No.

From Me to Joe ******:

Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

From Me to Joe ******:

I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

Mike


Ok. That was a strange correlation, I'll admit. But sadly, I am kinda flattered that I was thought of, and I do see the connection...vaguely. I mean I am more of a dog person.

4 comments:

  1. Yay! I'm in your blog! You have such mad writing skills, I feel privileged to have had you write about me (AND you spelled my name right - extra points!). Kudos to you, my friend. I'll be sure to alert you whenever I think of you, and hopefully the reason will be random enough to make you smile. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I cannot explain the connection either..perhaps it is the decline of neurons firing in my brain? :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. ONOES!!!!@`11!~!~!`~!!!!!
    NAWT TEH WUD CHIPPAH!!~~@@~!!11~!~!!!!`1

    ReplyDelete

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