Thursday, August 5, 2010

TFLY Vol 1 (texts from last year)


My phone is a piece of crap. I have no exterior readout. Speakerphone doesn't work. The "x" button doesn't work consistently, so I have to sometimes spell things phonetically like "did you get my tecksts?" and "see you neckst week." The ass-kicker is that the phone itself doesn't charge, so I have to remove the battery...insert it into my father's phone...and have him charge it. We pretty much have it down to a science and have been doing it for weeks longer than the average person would, because if there is one thing my family does well its "make due." We really have resourcefulness down to a fine art. If I had insurance on my LG NV 2, this would not be an issue, but I don't because I have never lost or damaged a phone before.

Since my little tattooed Spanish-speaking angel, Dawn, decided that she would lend me her old crackberry until my contract was up, and Verizon started carrying the Iphone next year [Tangent: yep...I am pretentious and very excited about having a new I-gadget to add to the family.], I decided I needed to clean up my inbox and get all my pictures off before the big transfer.

I am a bit of a text hoarder, and am usually at 98% capacity. As in life, I keep anything with any ounce of sentimentality or anything that has ever made me laugh or made me smile. Because my loved ones are hysterical and I didn't want to lose their wit in the transition, I have decided to post them Texts from last night style. I have a lot, so I am giving them to you in volumes. It's a lot to digest.

Weird dream: Kate of J&K+8 and Kanye West were the hot new it couple. I was also there with a myriad of the Real Housewives from various seasons. don't even watch the show
 
White woman pork face- when do i get my ride in that sweet piece of chocolate candy you call a vehicle?
 
Sweat and Riesling- the new fragrance from J. Lo now available at CVS <---after revealing what my bridesmaid dress was covered in
 
Driving down Frazier...I just saw a woman stop and puke canary yellow vomit on the sidewalk...then without missing a step kept walking.
 
I was just told that sometimes my knight in shining armor is a retarded kid in tin foil.
 
Pet peeve- people always call Dave Coulier Uncle Joey...Don't they know that he was not related? He was actually Danny Tanner's BFF from college. But we called dad's friend Fred, Uncle Fred...so I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental
 
Basil Marceaux work history: goodwill; blazers and men's coats depot; Domino's Pizza- manager of coupon gluing and box folding; president of BP safety council.


I had a dream that we were on a church trip to Las Vegas with a bunch of BHS grads. We stole a model plane and had a pet monkey and for some reason we decided to dress slutty...I mean really skanky....our stuff wasn't even covered with a strip of fabric.
 
A guy is singing Eddie Money's Take Me Home Tonight...and just ripped off his shirt...seriously I almost peed myself laughing. It was amazing- He started rubbing his chest and jumped into the crowd of 3 people.
 
Micah's a little worried. we are going rafting for my birthday and we just watched The River Wild. Hope Kevin Bacon doesn't hijack our raft because I just learned we share a birthday.
 
I was just selling General Jackson showboat tickets over the phone and asked the lady if she had any little ones with her (meaning children)- and she went off on me about my offensive language. Apparently she is here for the little people's convention. No, really.
 
I just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm an American-American." which might have well have said "I don't like people of color"
 
Did you just use a "u" instead of "you" in a text message? I'm not drunk enough to handle that from you, Jones.
 
I think mom just drunk texted me
 
Jack White just threw us water bottles down from the roof.
 
I'm going to catch Hannah Montana then go to bed. I have gymnastics in the morning then mom is taking me to shop for cute boots. OMG.<---after revealing to a male friend that I had tried to listen to Owl City and was not a fan.
 
Have you seen Jack Johnson's new video surfing in Hawaii where he has a beard like a mountain man. You may lose it.
 
Wait- she fantasized about singing a jazzercized version of poker face with her long lost mother? That's normal. <-----clearly after watching Glee. 
 
You rock so hard they should call you granite- HEYOH
 
I'm pretty sure my place of employment has pandora on for Nickelback. Kill me now. Follow up text: yep they just played Evanesence and Creed and some band that sang about lips of angels.
 
Oooh. Flood benefit. They should go for the trifecta. Miley. Ke$ha and Tay Swift. Minds Blown.
 
Lightbulb! Let s get some plaster and fake that we are conjoined


We need a stash of gimpy accoutrements to hand out in the event of a guest <-----referencing gimp squad sabbath coffee
 
That should be a chapter in your book- how misheard song lyrics can ruin your life and also changing 'you' to 'Jew' in songs. You have ruined nearly every song for me that way
 
At Micah's over 30 soccer game- they play on a youth field....like the kind I played on when I was 3 or 4. I guess too much running could lead to cardiac arrest. I'm for sure the only spectator...I should have brought Carpri Suns and orange slices
 
OMG! WYNONNA JUDD IS PERFORMING AT THE PREDS GAME!
 
So...let me get this straight -we criticize Japan for having a little people amusement park...saying they put them on display, but TLC is allowed to base their entire lineup around exploiting little people doing everyday things...at least let them sing and dance.
 
Good dream. Its on par with my dream about having Eminem's love child while we were fighting global terrorism.
 
Someone just filled out one of those about me facebook quizzes and answered yes to the question 'does this person want to come out of the closet?' She also answered yes to me 'being a spazz' and 'looking good in a bathing suit.'
 
It took every ounce of composure in my body. This guy in our meeting just said he wanted to see something come to "frutation"
 
Wow! $800! Thats something. Don't spend it all on bubblegum and candy cigarettes!
 
You're a triumphant cripple.
 
Why does news channel 2 have news team Ron Burgundy type advertisement now?


That girl is blacker than gas station coffee.
 
Wal-mart doesn't sell Jesus beards as part of its Christmas section. I am shocked.



    To be Continued....

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