Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Inpregnito and other daily offerings

While I was couped up in the hospital, I had a lot of free time...and by a lot, I mean 24 hours. [Tangent: You may ask, "Weren't you sleeping 8 hrs?"...the answer is a deafening NO! Blood pressure checks, temperature checks, beeping machines, intercoms, doctors popping by at 4 am....yeah it will cut into your sleepytime. No amount of celestial seasonings tea or Ambien for that matter could remedy that] What do you do when you can't leave your room...or talk...or eat? You watch daytime TV, of course.  [Tangent: This is something  haven't done since middle school when I got heavy into Passions and Days of Our Lives. Yeah...I was "that girl."]

At Vandy, for some inexplicable reason- they get only about 15 arbitrary channels. Basic local TV stations and then TLC, Discovery, CNN, ESPN and Disney. Because of these limitations, and the fact that I am spoiled with my 500 channels, I created my daily  daytime TV schedule, which was as follows:

7:00-9:00 - The Today Show
9:00-10:00 - Regis and Kelly
10:00-11:00 - The View
11:00-12:00- The Doctors [Tangent: Perhaps the most aggravating show on any station, anywhere. First off: They cover about 20 topics an episode..which is great theoretically, but they don't really cover them fully. Ex: This guy in the audience had questions about his back acne. The  "sexy lady doctor" said it might be his hair conditioner. And...on to the next topic. It was never addressed if he even used hair conditioner. Secondly, none of these people are ready for TV.  Although, I did once harbor a crush on  the main doc, Travis Stork. (Unprecedented Sub-Tangent: This was before his debut as the Bachelor, he was my ER doc at Vandy once and may have seen me naked.) The swooning has halted. He is terrible at reading off cue cards (like Anna Nicole bad). ]
12:00-12:30 -  Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Meridith Vierra edition [Tangent: The answer to the question is "none of the people on this show." They also have far too many lifelines. They have 4 nowadays... back in my day they had 3 lifelines..and a host with early signs of dementia. Sorry, I will get off that little soap box and outta my front porch rocker now. ]
12:30- 1:00 - Let's Make a Deal [Tangent: Costumes and Wayne Brady are involved...so of course I am, too.]
1:00- 2:00  - Family Feud aka "The Feud" [Tangent: I love this show and am unashamed of my excitement level from Fox airing two episodes back to back. (Why are things so much more exciting when they are back to back?) I may have even lost a night or two of sleep deciding who from my family we would have to kick off the team, because we are a family of 6 and there are 5 slots. My mom and myself are automatically on the squad. I will let her have team captain because she's the matriarch and maybe a bigger fan than myself.]
2:00- I grow tired of it-  TLC progamming... chiefly I Didn't Know I was Pregnant [Tangent: There is too much to say about this show to capture it all within the brackets of a Kimmie Tangent...so I will have to move on to a new paragraph or multiple paragraphs.. BRACE YOURSELVES!]

Although some days this show isn't on, and instead they show Cake Boss (the terrible guido's version of Ace of Cakes) or The Little Couple (adorable show about little people married with tiny dogs. Its as if there was a sale on cute and they cleaned up.)- its a special treat when TLC airs marathon episodes of my cleverly acronymed IDKIWP, which my best friend refers to as "big girls in denial." I love this show, mostly because I can't believe that there are enough people that will actually admit to being inpregnito to constitute a show...especially one with multiple seasons.

The best part of these shows are the re-enactments, which will either feature the mother themselves doing some Oscar- caliber acting or an actress that TLC has clearly randomly hired. The latter is my favorite because sometimes the mother-to-be will be (SURPRISE!)  slightly trashy, and you can tell they couldn't even find an out-of-work actress unfortunate-looking enough to portray her. [I don't think "Meth Face" is an adjective I'd put on my acting resume.] 

This 30 minutes of sheer WTF? has made me think that if I have indigestion and/or cramping, that I am giving birth to a child. My favorite was the lady who thought she had crapped her pants, and instead of finding stains in her sweatpants, she found a baby.

Taking honorable mention is the woman that had her baby on the toilet [Tangent: I have never had a baby, but if its as easy as having a large bowel movement- I have no idea what all those women are complaining about!]. That alone would not earn her the title, but the whole delivery went down while her boyfriend was in the next room. Instead of alerting him that something was amiss, she took the baby, still attached via umbilical cord, into the shower with her. Perhaps her logic was that if the baby was not all goo covered, it would be easier to explain. Either that, or it was a Crying Game moment, where she thought she could wash the shame away of being another statistic of big girls in denial.

1 comment:

  1. omg u r sooooo funny!!!!!!!!!! i needed that laugh, thanks, kimmie! glad u r feeling better!


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