Saturday, September 25, 2010

you don't have to be a hooch...

Its September 25th, and I am already stressing about my Halloween costume. This seems like an unnecessary stress, and it is completely self-inflicted. It's imperative that I have a good Halloween costume, there are no exceptions to this. If only I could take the easy chick way out and dress whorish, but I refuse. [Tangent: I get it, ladies... its liberating to let your inner 'tute out one day a year, when you can't get judged for it. I have bought a pair of thigh highs or two at the Halloween store. I get the allure, I just feel there must be a point where it becomes excessive. Last year, while driving home from the Halloween Avett Brothers show downtown, I saw a girl in a belly-less corset and cheeky panties. The thermostat was topping out at 40 degrees, and she was the sole lady in a sea of "gentlemen". Not to be cynical, but there might be a roofie tinged gang bang in her future. Either that or someone stole her clothes, and she was left with simply undergarments. Only, she didn't seem too upset by that situation.] If possible, the costume manufacturers have sexy-fied every seemingly innocent character. Exhibit A: The "Sexy Care Bear" costume. These looks give Bedtime Bear a whole new connotation.
*Since I don't have the boobs or daddy-issues needed for these looks, I will have to be creative.

Since first grade when I was Punky Brewster, I have had stellar homemade costumes that don't revolve around tatas and animal ears, [Tangent: That's not completely true.  I was a puppy in second grade, but the costume was sweatsuit-based as were most of my childhood costumes. I am certain it was in no way scandalous.] so I can't drop the ball now. I have finally settled on my Halloween costume, to be revealed in a later blog...but not before learning lessons from Halloweens past. 

LESSON 1:
Masks without mouth holes are completely impractical, especially if you plan to imbibe. 

*Yes....I am wearing a mask that has likely been tried on by many Walgreen's patrons. I claim insanity.

LESSON 2:
Have a goal in mind.
Ex: "I want to wear a ridiculous amount of makeup, and possibly Lee Press-on Nails." 

LESSON 3:
Work with your flaws. 
Ex: A wheelchair is a hard thing to decorate around sometimes...but sometimes it comes in handy...as was the case with Wheelchair Barbie. 
...SUB- LESSON: Invest in a wig cap. They are $2 and keep that "I want to rip my scalp off" feeling at bay.

LESSON 4: 
Repurpose and Recycle!
Ex: Old Fry box + little boy tie + shirt I've had forever + Zorro costume = HAMBURGLAR
 ...SUB LESSON: Make sure you straighten your accessories before photogs catch you disheveled. 


LESSON 5: 
Be comfortable... and if it's cold- DON'T DRESS SLUTTY!
*This is likely my favorite costume ever and was constructed very last minute and free. 
Thanks internet for the printable ET mask!
LESSON 6:
Just because you own a wig cap, you don't have to wear a wig!
Ex: I had short hair and was very tempted to wear one, but I opted to embrace the bob. 
 
 LESSON 7:
If you feel that you want to be scandalous and be a Skank McGank, think "What would Audrey do?"
*apparently, Audrey would hang out with Tina Turner.

5 comments:

  1. lol kimmie i love you! this is so how i feel every Halloween. All of the options for girls are so skanky. its just a big weird competition to outslut the other girl lol im too shy for that stuff i feel awkward in it and the nurse, animal, cop things get played out and old after oh a year...grrr

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  2. Advantage to skank clothes and cold weather - ROCK HARD nipples!

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  3. Roofie Tinged Gang Bang.
    This is the name of my next band !

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  4. While I love the Wheelchair Barbie look - the Audrey look is YOU!

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