Wednesday, September 29, 2010

wanna bump droids?

*I am a nerd because I find this hysterical

'Ol Red finally ate it. Hardcore. We had a good long run. I have run over her. Doused her with vodka. Dropped her in multiple puddles. I've done everything short of duct tape her together to keep her in my life, but sadly she is no longer with us. [Tangent: Ps. Ol' Red was my cellular telephone, lest you think I throw vodka on an elderly relative or duct taped a dog.] I've had my grieving period (2 hours) and decided to find another love; and new love- thy name is droid. maybe I don't NEED a droid, per say- but I WANTED one...maybe because it is the closest thing to a robot that still reasonably fits into my "out on disability" budget. There is a small part of me, not unlike anybody my age, that has longed for a robot since childhood. [Tangent: Next to aliens (ALF, ET, Mac and Me et al), robots were the cat's pajamas in the 80s. They were the vampires of my era: Transformers, R2D2, Robocop, Johnny 5, VICKI (see below). It was embedded into me that I needed some sort of minion to talk at me in a weird "speak and spell" kinda voice and do things for me that I didn't even know were possible...preferably even one that I would consider "family."]

They were everywhere, and I was jonesin' for one to call my own...but all I got was Alfie, the educational robot. This plastic playmate taught me about colors and shapes, but he was a bullshit excuse for a robo-friend. I wanted one like Kevin, Screech's robot butler. Alfie didn't even move, or know my name. [Tangent: Nor did he aid me in my magic act during the Miss Bayside pageant or help me tutor Kelly Kapowski for the big chemistry test.] What the hell, Alfie?

What I wanted...

 What I got....

Thankfully, 20 years later, I have enough disposable income to afford my own android, and he is BAD ASS! It's a good thing I waited. [Tangent: I come from a family baffled by technology. My Granny stored bread in her microwave for several years, because the technology of heating something through waves of heat was a very overwhelming concept to her- given, she was 88 at the time. When one sees me fumbling with my new fancy phone like someone that requires a helmet and a bib, it proves I am definitely of her lineage.] Now I have this tiny black box that can store books and scrabble boards and emails and likely some sort of murder weapons. Pictures and contact info can be transferred droid to droid with a simple bump.  It even possesses the creepy Steven Hawking robot voice that alerts me when I have a new message. Dark magic must be involved in some capacity; of this I am certain. So now after all this, I'm positive you wanna buy one...and then we can bump droids. [Tangent: I am not even sure what that entirely means yet, but it is laced with double entendre, so I am on board!]


  1. Addict-Like Dependence on Technological Innovation?
    There's an App for that.

  2. My GF's Iphone has an app that when you stick the phone up your ass it can give you the fiber count of your stool.


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