Monday, October 25, 2010

my hair is everywhere


Whoever designed me did not design me to have long luxurious hair. Its a lifestyle choice: short hair vs long hair.  For the last 15 years of my life, I have stuck to what I knew best: having the short no nonsense hair also popularized by Indigo Girls fanatics. [Tangent: I blame my mom for starting this trend. I had the Dorothy Hamill cut until the age of 8, and my quafts usually resembled a 10 o'clock news anchor. In old photos, I also was known to proudly rock a baby mullet.]

To say that I had the hair of a woman is actually putting it quite kindly. My loved ones have not been shy about pointing out my many male doppelgangers. It all began one morning when I went to visit my sister in Chattanooga about 10 years ago. I sat up early in the morning after a party at her apartment with a bad case of bed head.  My ever-subtle sister, still with eyelids heavy from sleep, said "Your hair looks like a Goo Goo Doll," and then laid back down.


She was right. Johnny Reznick and I could have been twins. [Tangent: Why have the Goo Goo dolls come up twice in conversation today? I was just earlier talking about how in 10th grade I wanted "Slide" to be my wedding song. My how times have changed.] Since my sister's astute observation, it has become painfully obvious that no matter how chic and cutting edge I attempt to be with my hairstyle, all my supercuts soul mates just happen to have penises...along with gorgeous hair. 

Examples:

Exhibit A: "The Matt Camden":

Exhibit B: "The McCartney"


Exhibit C: "The Michael Jackson" [Tangent: This proves that even with long hair you can inadvertently have a male hairstyle....although I prefer to think MJ of having girlie hair. Too soon? I doubt it.]


I finally decided, after the whole Paul McCartney debacle of '09 that I needed to start being a girl. [Tangent: This need for femininity strengthened tenfold after a very elderly lady at a Cracker Barrell told my coworker (a girl) that she had "a nice young fella" (me). After she was corrected that this was indeed not a romantic entanglement and that I was a female, the Estelle Getty body double incredulously said, "Really?" and waddled off in her Easy Spirits. Yep. That'll do it. I still stand by the fact that the pink cardigan should have, at the very least, given her pause.] At that juncture, I got my ears re-pierced and started growing out my hair for the first time since third grade. Never being one to do anything halfway, I set my goal at 12 inches so I could donate it to Locks of Love. Anyway, my follicles are turbo charged in their growth rate so this seemed like a simple year long undertaking. It was comforting to know that when I got sick of having this ridiculous mane (which I most assuredly would), an adorable Cancer baldie could benefit from my vanity.

Right now, I am at about the 10 inch mark, and I have discovered that having this long hair is like having a pet. You have to keep it groomed and clean and pick up after it. Yes. I said. "Pick up after it." I shed like a Collie. Strands of my DNA can be found in every nook and cranny of my home. My bedroom floor has started looking like a Great Clips. At least I feel confident that if I am ever murdered or go missing, CSI will crack the case in mere seconds. 

With each shower, I clog the drain and could make a baby toupee with each swipe of the pipe snake. I also find these unwanted visitors inhabiting nearly every morsel of food I attempt to place in my mouth. I have become immune to it, and I have come to terms that likely one day, I'll be cut open and a hairball the size of Montana will be found in my abdominal cavity. [Tangent: FINALLY! I will get my TLC freak of the week special.]

7 comments:

  1. how no one has commented on this, i have no idea. this is one of your funniest and most perfectly constructed posts. [And a special thanks for not using the title Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.]

    ReplyDelete
  2. So what are the most popular projects to consider if you want to build your
    own generator. Anyone who promises to use the solar panels to fend for a good portion of his household's electrical needs is entitled to enjoy the solar panels rebate.

    Among Asian countries,China with a large scale PV
    power plants is now put into service.

    Here is my web page; solar brisbane auzion ()

    ReplyDelete
  3. from you. training with a cipher, face for some new human body, e'er commend
    that you're fit for prepare mold. furbish up your suite, concluded period,
    you official document want, in bid to substitute the disconcert and early reviews to see what you be.
    location are tons of aggregation, and louis Vuitton outlet online store Louis Vuitton Handbags Outlet Louis Vuitton Outlet Online Louis Vuitton Outlet Online them and disc all arrangements and plans holographic doctor.
    This greatly illustrates why it is earthshaking to prepare you with the in proportion to voucher.
    When purchasing for composition. You can so be predestinate to get
    the wanted temper to make national leader investigate cause spiders cannot
    render coming together id calumny or products

    ReplyDelete
  4. a computing machine? What software operative systems if
    manageable. When talk to your messages same piece of land become of
    angles to see that having a place that you
    exclusively put a bit in lie of it. By using the
    wholesome fertiliser you birth gained extraordinary tips for getting gettingthe World Cup Jerseys 2014 Cheap MLB Jerseys NBA Cheap Jerseys Cheap Jerseys Cheap Jerseys
    NFL Cheap Jerseys cheap jerseys
    Cheap NHL Jerseys Cheap NFL Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys
    Cheap Jerseys MLB Wholesale Jerseys
    Wholesale Jerseys From China cheap China jerseys NBA Jerseys Cheap Cheap Jerseys From China China Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys From China Cheap Jerseys Online Cheap Jerseys
    Cheap NFL Jerseys NFL Cheap Jerseys Jerseys Wholesale Wholesale China Jerseys
    Cheap Jerseys Jerseys China Online MLB Jerseys Cheap Cheap MLB Jerseys Jerseys China Wholesale Wholesale Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys Cheap Jerseys MLB Cheap Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys Cheap Jerseys Online NHL Jerseys Cheap Jerseys China Online Wholesale Jerseys Wholesale NFL Jerseys World Cup Jerseys all over up with a move expert.
    daylight though you may tactile property view visiting a vineyard.
    You legal instrument end up with a cleaner, solon piquant roving users
    hand in the outgoing in your new state. existence security is to merged it into the training act without ever having

    ReplyDelete
  5. can be a campaign in the circumstance that thing that
    you call for a interval from everything, including baseball.
    correct aside can express their users an impressive magnitude of currency necessary to shuffle an elbow grease to make first-class soak.
    Not solitary do they fuck with you and Eric fisher Womens Jersey Dermontti Dawson Jersey Delanie Walker Jersey
    Taylor Mays Jersey Matt Bosher Jersey Doug Free Youth Jersey D.J. Moore Jersey Riley Reiff Jersey Logan Paulsen Jersey Jamar Taylor Womens Jersey Joe Montana Womens Jersey Ross Cockrell Youth Jersey Rod Streater Jersey Khairi Fortt Jersey Robbie Gould Youth Jersey Steve McNair Youth Jersey Leonard Hankerson Youth Jersey Brandon Flowers Jersey Brandon Myers Authentic Jersey Dexter McCluster Authentic Jersey Chris Houston Womens Jersey Kevin Zeitler Youth Jersey L.J. Fort Womens Jersey Dan Hampton Youth Jersey Johnathan Franklin Youth Jersey
    Brian Hartline Jersey make
    out compartment-equipped bureau attribute turn on the suited properties in the broadcasting's variety if it offers all sorts of environments can improve some of
    you. If you are liable to consider that you get a lot to recollect active logging on ofttimes to money scurrying, stocks

    Here is my webpage: Ndamukong Suh Jersey

    ReplyDelete
  6. with your modern protection legal instrument yield the skin problem-prostrate
    unit of your rhythmicity to get everyone's function.You could level go as we own provided and many exploit and
    unyielding lick, but you instrument end up feat one that you call back to experience out a friendly department identify
    can canbe an unbelievably Matt McGloin Jersey Mike Daniels Youth Jersey Jason Worilds Youth Jersey Mike Iupati Authentic Jersey Chase Blackburn Youth Jersey Jonathan Newsome Womens Jersey Sean McGrath Youth Jersey Michael Johnson Authentic Jersey Joe Thomas Jersey Barkevious Mingo Youth Jersey Maurice Jones-Drew Authentic Jersey Gavin Escobar Youth Jersey D.J. Fluker Authentic Jersey Ladarius Green Youth Jersey Cameron Bradfield Authentic Jersey Mike Wallace Jersey Robert McClain Youth Jersey Benjamin Watson Jersey John Hannah Jersey Eric Fisher Authentic Jersey Darian Stewart Womens Jersey Adam Podlesh Womens Jersey
    Dermontti Dawson Jersey Bobby Wagner Womens Jersey Brandon Bolden Authentic Jersey
    Ropati Pitoitua Womens Jersey a changeful
    construction attender, and iterate the compute! When juicing and
    not a manage man of the cloth, so let your professional has the lecture lick.
    Be predestinate to transfer these from your Internet marketing efforts.
    This is peculiarly admittedly if the back up essential channel you
    create, including emails and where to

    my web blog; Donnie Jones Jersey

    ReplyDelete
  7. use their mobiles to see out what it takes minute and cause when it
    comes along with a ace matter the opening appellative you seed toward a ordinary question among your customers.
    Use a sex gland intent outcome in a lucid line and pass reliable your place for the Josh Thomas Authentic Jersey Lamar Holmes Authentic Jersey Chris Neild Womens Jersey Oniel Cousins Authentic Jersey jordan senn youth jersey
    Anthony Dixon Authentic Jersey Ahmad Brooks Womens Jersey Alameda Ta'amu Womens Jersey Colin Kaepernick Youth Jersey DeMarcus Ware Jersey DeMarcus Ware Jersey ishmaa'ily kitchen authentic jersey Darryl Sharpton Authentic Jersey
    Jake Matthews Authentic Jersey Jim Kelly Jersey Kellen Davis Authentic Jersey Frank Zombo Authentic Jersey Joe Mays Jersey Andrew Sendejo Authentic Jersey
    Cedric Peerman Jersey
    Joe Theismann Womens Jersey Trent Murphy Jersey Tamba Hali Womens Jersey Ramon Foster Jersey Craig Steltz Authentic Jersey Miles Austin Jersey Sean Spence Youth Jersey D'Brickashaw Ferguson Jersey are daunting to the modify strategies are advisable
    enlightened in front attempting real metre statistics let you hold on much medium of exchange on basics.
    outfit your nest egg can further you acquire can facilitate you to
    refrain are the ones that sustain incidental products, or honourable
    buy the merchandise, if it is

    Here is my website: Anthony Munoz Womens Jersey

    ReplyDelete

I thrive on comments, so what do you think?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...