Monday, October 11, 2010

Oh say...I can't see

Getting older is terrifying. In about a month, I will be 28... which isn't old technically, but makes me feel like one of those eerily adorable kids with progeria. (not because I have an bulbous head, but rather because I'm old beyond my years and seem to aging in dog years.) Reclaiming my youth is likely not aided by the fact that I like to scrapbook and enjoy Michael Buble. [Tangent: At least I am not having birthday parties for my animals or decorating my house with teddy bears- then intervention will be needed.]
 *So cute. It's the best of both adorable worlds: old people and kids.

It all began with the gray hairs. Albeit infrequent visitors, the little bastards are always unwelcome, and my dark locks do little to camouflage them. Dying follicles just remind me daily that I should no longer be trying to wear things in the Juniors department.

Then, last week, I got final verification that I was aging- apparently, I have the eyesight of a 65 year old woman. Because I am fantastic at following directions, a "weekly wear" pair of contacts has been residing on my eyeballs off and on for roughly a year. My burning corneas indicated that I needed a fresh pair and a vision test.  Getting my eyes tested ranks way higher than getting my teeth drilled on the Things that Give Kimmie Anxiety Meter- I hate the whole "Better or worse? How about now? routine. Generally I can't see any difference and just end up playing eenie meenie minie mo. [Tangent: I will not say where I go for my optical needs, but I will give you a hint- they also sell Kenmore appliances. Many don't even know they have an eye doctor, but it is carefully tucked away behind a labyrinth of doors by the mysterious unisex bathroom. I am also pretty sure the office itself was formerly a fitting room, because you cannot sit in the waiting area without your knees hitting the adjacent wall and your face butting up against the ugliest 1974 motel paintings you have ever witnessed.] I told my doctor, who looked oddly like James Lipton from Inside the Actor's Studio,  that I needed new contacts, because I was overdue and I had lost one. His response, "Are you wearing your  now?" My response, "um....I'm wearing glasses."
I could see my first appointment with this gentleman was on the fast track to shitsville, maybe because he was an eye professional that didn't realize that wearing glasses and contacts simultaneously would be a terrible idea,  and something you just don't do. I may be be half robot, but I am not a moron [Tangent: Let's not revisit the fact that I had been wearing weekly disposables for a year...that might negate aforementioned "not a moron" statement.] 

My left eye was golden...I could read almost all the lines without stopping to take a breath. Then came the right eye and I could read [cue the sad tuba...] only the top line. Yep, that's right- just the big E, which even if I couldn't read, I could have easily deduced was going to be atop the pyramid of letters. Ol' doctor Lipton looked flabbergasted that my vision had gone down the pipes so quickly. It was not reassuring or making me feel like less of an old lady. 

To counteract this- I decided to find my fountain of youth in tried and true locale, the Juniors department, with an impulse leggings purchase. In years past, I have been leading the anti-legging crusade [Tangent: Until 6th grade, my waist down wardrobe consisted of exclusively tights and leggings, because I could only wear pants that would fit under hip high leg braces. When I stopped wearing the braces, I dropped the leggings like a bad pill habit. Whenever I saw them making their comeback a couple years ago, I got vivid 'Nam style flashbacks of the uncomfortable orthopedic devices....oh and Stephanie Tanner, because she rocked the leggings like no ones business.] , but my resistance against the comfort and youthful appeal of a nice cotton/spandex blend was I bought two.

 *I am 99.9% sure I owned this book at some point in my life.

I may be half blind and have random grays, but at least I could contemplate my ascent into my late 20's in Jodie Sweetin style comfort.  Ahhh...stretchy pants you make me so very happy....I'm so glad you came into my life. 


  1. I'm so glad you acknowledged that wearing a pair of WEEKLY contacts for a YEAR could throw you on the moron bus! : )

    Just an FYI - Charlotte Caruthers has had corneal transplants and wears both contacts and glasses!

  2. Ahhh I go there to get my eyes checked too!! And strangely enough I too wore glasses and was asked, "Do you have your contacts in now?" Maybe it's in the employee handbook.

  3. My next perscription is a dog.

  4. I love you. I'll be thirty in a lil over a year! And here I am unemployed, not sure where to head next. I miss you.


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