Monday, October 18, 2010

why are the birds so angry? aka cue the confetti

 *This is what my image search for "celebration confetti" yielded. 
It appears to be the worst movie ever made (naked people + tennis + weddings),
which means it has future residence in my Netflix queue.

Today I stumbled upon my blog's stat page again, [Tangent: Stumbled upon = checked on a twice daily basis] and realized I am 5 page views short of 5,000 views. Whaaaa? That's insanity incarnate. Cue the obscenely hard to clean up confetti!

This impending milestone makes me incredibly happy [Tangent: Mainly the happiness stems from the fact that my former blog only yielded 50 views in its entire lifespan. Waahhh Waaaaaaah. Conclusion: no one cared about my angsty quarter-life crisis when graduating college. Noted.] and tells me that I am apparently interesting on a worldwide level.
 *Lookie- I have taken the Middle East by storm. SCORE!

Although, I shouldn't get too stoked; its likely people in Indonesia are just finding my page because they think its some weird fetish site -a lesson learned after naming the blog about your puppy "doggy style". All this fanfare also ups me stress level. Because I have had such kind words from friends and distant acquaintances regarding my page- I wants to keep it spicy! (<----yes that spelling error was on purpose, grammar police.) But how do I do this?

Reinforcements were needed, so I called my sister. "Kelly, my blog is on the verge of 5,000 views. I need a good blog topic." Her response without hesitation: "Two Words. Angry Birds." [Tangent: Her boyfriend, Micah, chimed in "Write about douche noodles!" but the area of "douche noodles"would be limiting.]

For those of you not fancy or lame enough, Angry Birds is an app available for my new android phone: An app that my sister and I are obsessed with on an unhealthy level. The concept: evil pigs, who resemble tiny green pumpkins, stole eggs from a flock of assorted supernatural birds. Your role in this theft is to fling aforementioned birds onto/through structures to kill the pigs, and hopefully get your eggs back. [Tangent: Oddly enough, I am petrified of anything with wings and talons and find it a little strange that I would feel moved to murder on their behalf.] Some birds fire egg bombs while others will separate into multiple tiny birds with a screen tap. When you kill these cocky bastards, you can advance to the next level which increases in difficulty and introduces you to new varieties  of warrior birds. [Tangent: I am aware that this rambling just sounds like the hallucination of a meth addict or the description of a V-tech children's game, but my sweet chocolate coated lord- IT IS AMAZING!]

I stayed up to 2 am this morning obsessively playing the new version I had just downloaded, which is weird for someone that is not at all "a gamer." I don't think I have been this addicted to a game since my brother Mikey got the ol' NES back in 1987. Our corneas would be inflamed from sitting to close to that 8 bit goodness, and we would cling to those non-ergonomic square controllers till we had done irreparable damage to our palms. In fact, I think I could count on two hands the video/computer games I have actually played consistently in my life. I will share with you my top 5 [Let it be known that honorable mentions were awarded to: Joe Montana Football, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, NBA Jams '95, Number Munchers and Zelda. It also further proves that my knowledge of video games is very outdated.]

1. Tetris 
I still have my bricky late 80's game boy, and am still occasionally haunted by those hard to place "L shaped" pieces and that eerie opium den music.

2. Super Mario Brothers
I never got on board with the spin offs. I found it illogical that a former plumber would go on to become a doctor. That rags to riches story is slightly hard to swallow.

3. Punch Out
As in most things, my family bought the generic Punch Out. This version was not affiliated with Mike Tyson, and was thus markedly less pricey. Instead of fighting the future ear biter/rapist/Hangover actor, you would fight a fellow named Mr. Dream, that just resembled Mr. Tyson in the final bout.

4. Mortal Kombat (1 and 2)
I was an adorable 9 year old girl who loved horses, Lisa Frank stickers and ripping a man's spinal column out as his headless body wobbled in front of me. Is that so wrong?

4. Sonic The Hedgehog 2
When we got the Sega Genesis, it came as the freebie game. Games were upwards of $40 at the time, so it can be assumed this is the only game we had for a while- and I dominated it. The only downfall was the annoying presence of Sonic's newly acquired BFF, Tails. He really didn't do much but get in the way of my victory. Upon discovering that with a few clicks on the options menu, he could be eradicated forever- a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

5. Oregon Trail
After a bout of nostalgia, I tried to download the new version of this game, but after playing it once realized it had lost that charm it once had. The blobbiness was refined. The enhanced graphics now made differentiation between a rabbit and a squirrel possible, when I had to put aside my politics and go hunting for sustenance. Ever the romantic, I would name my wagon members after the boys that I thought were cute in my third grade class. [Tangent: They were not as cute after they had gotten dysentery or eaten by bears.] This pseudo- pioneer lifestyle did teach me a valuable lesson. Are you the kind of person that fords the river or are you the kind that floats? I, myself, am a forder.

Now blog time is over for today, and I have to go fight my cell phone away from my mother, who has fallen through the Angry Birds worm hole and is spewing bird related expletives from the couch. But first, get out the dustpans because its confetti time!


  1. I love Sonic the Hedgehog 2 as well. Punch Out is fun, but less so when you think about how racist it is.

  2. Congratulations on the big 5K! Great post, but I was hoping this would address the Eternal Question: What the heck is ticker-tape? Is it the Classy Man's Confetti, or is Confetti just the Poor Man's Ticker-Tape?

  3. I really appreciate your post and you explain each and every point very well.Thanks for sharing this information.And I’ll love to read your next post too.


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