Monday, November 1, 2010

I am barely breathing

 
Fall is amazing, but with it comes a loving spoonful of allergens which don't jive well with my immune system. Allergy season and myself have what I like to call a failed relationship. I should have learned my lesson from past interactions, by now knowing how to handle its rogue trickery, but I don't. Not unlike an ex boyfriend, it just leaves me flustered and angry each time it comes a'courtin'.

However, I refuse to stand by and let ragweed laugh in my face as I soak my pillow each night with snot and eye leakage [Tangent: Too graphic? You have no idea. That was the Disney version, kiddos.]. Today I made a hopefully life-altering purchase, and it was only $10.99 at Walgreens. I bought...wait for it... a Neti Pot!  If you are unsure as to what that is, watch as this hipster demonstrates it on a youtube video that goes on a little too long for my liking.



As far as excitement levels go, this is the Kimmie equivalent of a Chanel Bag. Something I have considered purchasing for years, the Neti Pot just seems disturbing enough to work. Pour hot saline up one nostril and have it come out the other along with all the gelatinous funk that has been clogging your nasal cavity. Sounds like a winner.

This need to clarify myself by reprehensible means is not shocking.  For years, I have been not so secretly obsessed with any weird medical remedy that reveals how disgustingly fascinating the human body can be. I am like the low rent Dr. Oz - I live to be grossed out.

The obsession began with the popularity of Biore Strips when I was in high school.  When the Biore strip was launched, it was perfect timing because my skin was greasier than KFC, and I am a whore for drug store beauty products. Looking back,  I likely peeled off at least 5 layers of epidermis making sure I got absolutely every inkling of pore clogging goo. 

Then came the oil blotting sheets, a portable way to be gross. Those things were second coming of Christ kinda exciting, and I still have vivid recollections of sitting in the back of US History and passing the pack back and forth, comparing my results with my classmates [Tangent: To this day, I may not be 100% on what president passed The Stamp Act, but I could tell you who among the class of 2001 had extremely overactive oil glands.] Why was it so oddly refreshing when the film you peeled away from your forehead looked akin to the bottom of a Burger King bag that has been sitting out for awhile? Better out than in, I guess.


Its that same line of thought that makes me giddy at the thought of my next homeopathetic (<---yes I just coined that term myself. Feel free to spread it, but recognize the Kimmie trademark.) purchase- the ear candle. After heavily hinting for years that they would be an amazing stocking stuffer, I have yet to get them. Although I am certain that the body is not supposed to be completely devoid of any waxy material, I still reel from excitement at the thought of laying back, sparking up an ear candle and seeing what materializes.  I could be as happy as this little Purtianical schoolboy...

3 comments:

  1. I think what I enjoy most about this is that 'ear candling' can apparently be used as an acceptable verb-phrase now. Duly noted.

    ReplyDelete
  2. the neti pot changed my life!

    ReplyDelete

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