Like all good things, you can't exceed three volumes before growing tiresome (As if the world needed more than three installments of Saw, Predator or Rocky)- so this is the last of the dumping off of text messages. The following are some of the most ridiculous textchanges I have had in the life of my phone.
Kelly: Watching the dog show. A havanese has dreads. You could name it Bob Marley or maybe Adam Duritz. I know you are in the dog market
Me: Ooohh yes! If it was black and sassy... maybe Whoopi Goldberg
Kelly: I like Whoopi. The commentary on this show is like an SNL skit. Man is an expert and lady seems like she has never seen a dog before.The woman is like, "Does the maltese have to have long hair?" No bitch! You can cut it! I should really learn to make better use of my snow days. BTW- Who knew a papillion could so excite a crowd?
Me: I imagine it being like that episode of Saved By the Bell with the dance contest. Is there an applause-o-meter?
Kelly:Have you ever thought of a pekinese with a show cut. Sure you'd have to constantly brush out leaves and fecal matter out of its coat...but so cute. BTW- the toy poodle beat the papillion on the applause-o-meter.
Kelly: Examples of some of the pure bred championship quality dog names: Spice Girl, Hannah Montana...I'm just waiting for a Quackers and Elizabeth to come along. [Tangent: our neighbors had ducks when we were younger that lived in their in ground pool (very sanitary) and they were named Quackers and Elizabeth. Its an ongoing joke that those were stupid pet names...Quackers makes sense...but Elizabeth?] If I spent 1000's on a dog and planned on entering it in contests- I would resist the urge to take my 5 year old daughter's naming advice
Me: Poor Quackers and Elizabeth. I really do wonder what ever happened to those ducks. Didn't they keep them in their swimming pool?
Kelly: No. They didn't keep them in their pool. They kept them in them in a box their backyard...exactly where you keep pet ducks in the suburbs. Ok. I think the bulldog just broke the applause-o-meter
[Tangent: This was not an isolated incident... My sister just keeps bringing the random.]
Kelly: Movie on SyFy tonight...."Sea Snakes: a military experiment goes awry when deadly snakes threaten the crew aboard a submarine...starring Luke Perry" This may be his best role yet.
Me: Shut your whore mouth! In the words of Cher Horowitz, "I'm saving myself for Luke Perry"
Kelly: Its better than saving yourself for Ian Ziering I guess. I personally am saving myself for Joe E Tata.
Me: I don't think Peach Pit owner Nat would be my choice...I mean he struggled and eventually had to sell out and make the Peach Pit after dark.
Kelly: True. Plus Joe E Tata isn't very 90210. He seems more like a Chino dweller.
Me: Omigod. Watching Ice Skating with mom and she just said she never became an ice skater because she doesn't like the idea of people looking at her crotch
Kelly: That is precisely why I never became a vagina model.
Me: When did you contemplate a career in porn?
Kelly: No...like for scientific purposes or Vagisil commercials...if they actually showed stuff in Vagisil commercials.
Me: Well probably with good reason...no one wants to see all that. How is the Sea Snakes moving. How are Luke's sideburns?
Kelly: Not watching. It looked terrible. Me and Andre [Tangent: Andre is my sister's effeminate dog] did watch Marley and me. Andre cried. What a P*ssy. Oh who am I kidding I cried while holding Andre like a baby
I think I saved the most amazing textchange for last. It is still discussed for its by myself and the sender, Binkley, because it lasted for possibly over an hour. It is all hinging on the phrase Shyamalan twist, which I blatantly stole from an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I use it when something unexpected happens...which in my life, is fairly regularly.
Me: So you're saying you weren't really being super nice...you were just regurgitating something that i told you I had dreamed about once. So...it was my subconscious being sweet and thoughtful and not you at all. Shyamalan twist.
Binkley: ...but at least I remembered, and that in itself causes an explosion from of the awesome....Bay twist!
Me: ...and then it will all get political and I may assassinate you. Oliver Stone Twist.
Binkley: But I won't really die. I'll have actually gone deep undercover in a mafia family spying for the feds. Scorcese twist.
Me: And I will figure this out while being completely under the influence hanging outside a convenience store. Kevin Smith twist.
Binkley: ...but it will all have been a convoluted story presenetly told through fictional characters set in the past whilst simultaneously projecting into the future past the end of humanity. Aronofsky twist.
Me: Absolutely. but everyone will overlook the storytelling because there will be a happy ending with adorable dialogue that is borderline silly and saccarine, but for some reason completely enrapturing. Ephron twist.
Binkley: ...and I always try to embrace the silly with my calculating neuroses and rapier wit. Hornby twist!
Me: ...but all the while, it will confuse the audience and leave them thinking WTF when you introduce odd plot devices and bizarre characters. David Lynch Twist.
Binkley: ...And I do this all with fast cuts, swords and guns. Tarantino twist.
Me: ...and light sabers? Lucas twist.
Binkley: ...and 3d motion capture computer generated graphics. Cameron twist.
Me: but will it all be a way of getting on your soapbox on a liberal issue like gun control or healthcare. Moore twist.
Binkley: Well, there will be graphic depictions of the psychological toll of modern warfare on the American soldiers. Bigelow twist.
Me: Yes...but it will be heartwarming and an instant classic. Spielberg twist.