Saturday, August 7, 2010

TFLY: Vol 3 aka Best Textchanges of '09/'10



Like all good things, you can't exceed three volumes before growing tiresome (As if the world needed more than three installments of Saw, Predator or Rocky)- so this is the last of the dumping off of text messages. The following are some of the most ridiculous textchanges I have had in the life of my phone.


 
Kelly: Watching the dog show. A havanese has dreads. You could name it Bob Marley or maybe Adam Duritz. I know you are in the dog market

Me: Ooohh yes! If it was black and sassy... maybe Whoopi Goldberg
 
Kelly: I like Whoopi. The commentary on this show is like an SNL skit. Man is an expert and lady seems like she has never seen a dog before.The woman is like, "Does the maltese have to have long hair?" No bitch! You can cut it! I should really learn to make better use of my snow days. BTW- Who knew a papillion could so excite a crowd?
 
Me: I imagine it being like that episode of Saved By the Bell with the dance contest. Is there an applause-o-meter?
 
Kelly:Have you ever thought of a pekinese with a show cut. Sure you'd have to constantly brush out leaves and fecal matter out of its coat...but so cute. BTW- the toy poodle beat the papillion on the applause-o-meter.

Kelly: Examples of some of the pure bred championship quality dog names: Spice Girl, Hannah Montana...I'm just waiting for a Quackers and Elizabeth to come along. [Tangent: our neighbors had ducks when we were younger that lived in their in ground pool (very sanitary) and they were named Quackers and Elizabeth. Its an ongoing joke that those were stupid pet names...Quackers makes sense...but Elizabeth?] If I spent 1000's on a dog and planned on entering it in contests- I would resist the urge to take my 5 year old daughter's naming advice
 
Me: Poor Quackers and Elizabeth. I really do wonder what ever happened to those ducks. Didn't they keep them in their swimming pool?

Kelly: No. They didn't keep them in their pool. They kept them in them in a box their backyard...exactly where you keep pet ducks in the suburbs. Ok. I think the bulldog just broke the applause-o-meter


[Tangent: This was not an isolated incident... My sister just keeps bringing the random.]

Kelly: Movie on SyFy tonight...."Sea Snakes: a military experiment goes awry when deadly snakes threaten the crew aboard a submarine...starring Luke Perry" This may be his best role yet.

Me: Shut your whore mouth! In the words of Cher Horowitz, "I'm saving myself for Luke Perry"

Kelly: Its better than saving yourself for Ian Ziering I guess. I personally am saving myself for Joe E Tata.
 
Me: I don't think Peach Pit owner Nat would be my choice...I mean he struggled and eventually had to sell out and make the Peach Pit after dark.

Kelly: True. Plus Joe E Tata isn't very 90210. He seems more like a Chino dweller.
 
Me: Omigod. Watching Ice Skating with mom and she just said she never became an ice skater because she doesn't like the idea of people looking at her crotch

Kelly: That is precisely why I never became a vagina model.
 
Me: When did you contemplate a career in porn?
 
Kelly: No...like for scientific purposes or Vagisil commercials...if they actually showed stuff in Vagisil commercials.
 
Me: Well probably with good reason...no one wants to see all that. How is the Sea Snakes moving. How are Luke's sideburns?

Kelly: Not watching. It looked terrible. Me and Andre [Tangent: Andre is my sister's effeminate dog] did watch Marley and me. Andre cried. What a P*ssy. Oh who am I kidding I cried while holding Andre like a baby



I think I saved the most amazing textchange for last. It is still discussed for its by myself and the sender, Binkley, because it lasted for possibly over an hour. It is all hinging on the phrase Shyamalan twist, which I blatantly stole from an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I use it when something unexpected happens...which in my life, is fairly regularly.




Me: So you're saying you weren't really being super nice...you were just regurgitating something that i told you I had dreamed about once. So...it was my subconscious being sweet and thoughtful and not you at all. Shyamalan twist.

Binkley: ...but at least I remembered, and that in itself causes an explosion from of the awesome....Bay twist!
 
Me: ...and then it will all get political and I may assassinate you. Oliver Stone Twist. 
 
Binkley: But I won't really die. I'll have actually gone deep undercover in a mafia family spying for the feds. Scorcese twist. 

Me: And I will figure this out while being completely under the influence hanging outside a convenience store. Kevin Smith twist.

Binkley: ...but it will all have been a convoluted story presenetly told through fictional characters set in the past whilst simultaneously projecting into the future past the end of humanity. Aronofsky twist. 

Me: Absolutely. but everyone will overlook the storytelling because there will be a happy ending with adorable dialogue that is borderline silly and saccarine, but for some reason completely enrapturing. Ephron twist. 

Binkley: ...and I always try to embrace the silly with my calculating neuroses and rapier wit. Hornby twist! 
 
Me: ...but all the while, it will confuse the audience and leave them thinking WTF when you introduce odd plot devices and bizarre characters. David Lynch Twist. 

Binkley: ...And I do this all with fast cuts, swords and guns. Tarantino twist.

Me: ...and light sabers? Lucas twist. 
 
Binkley: ...and 3d motion capture computer generated graphics. Cameron twist. 
 
Me: but will it all be a way of getting on your soapbox on a liberal issue like gun control or healthcare. Moore twist. 
 
Binkley: Well, there will be graphic depictions of the psychological toll of modern warfare on the American soldiers. Bigelow twist. 

Me: Yes...but it will be heartwarming and an instant classic. Spielberg twist.
  

Friday, August 6, 2010

TFLY: Volume 2



Disclaimer: I hope you liked the Texts From Last Year post from yesterday. If not, too bad- you are going to have to endure 2 more days of it. This is all to satisfy my urge to hold onto things that most people would erase. As Melissa Joan Heart said in one of my favorite cheesy teen films Can't Hardly Wait, "These are moments frozen in time, people!" [Tangent: How douchey is the above t-shirt website model on a 1-10 scale?]



Christmas party hosted by white people: veggie pasta. salad. tray with eggplant/feta/hearts of palm/black olives/grape leaves; tabouli; chicken skewers and quiches. I like white poeple christmas parties.


I was really hoping for the dogs in clogs or the turtles in girdles calendar. I also hear good things about the ponies eating coneys or pigs in wigs...but thanks anyway [After sending out the picture below]





Well, Don't hold your breath all the way. I don't think you have the lung capacity and you might African American out. 

OMG. The house is clean. Is Barrack coming this weekend?



I love a Nigerian that can sing country


Funny...right before I read your text I had just finished spelling Werewolf for one of my students who wanted to write her essay about Taylor Lautner. The prompt: Who would you nominate to be on a postage stamp? Also MLK...because apparently he freed the slaves according to 7th graders.

Wow. You just said Light skinneded. You are a black girl. I always knew it.


Creeper at Wal-Mart just asked me what would I do if I woke up in the morning and was the devil. I don't even know what to do with that question.



OMG! Sadly inspiring set of twins on So You Think You Can Dance....one is in a wheelchair and the other one says he dances for both of them...awwwww.


Trivial Pursuit ain't got shit on Kim, please. I got your Talk Soup. More dirt than TMZ. Like Kim Jonez on Halloween you never know what she gonna go as. Like a Sailboat Mag....she's all over the row-ads. <---from my favorite Puerto Rican Rapper


Josh just told me that my doppelganger is Angelica Pickles from Rugrats.


On Ellen's impromptu costume contest some guy (bearded I might add) dressed up as the octomom but one of his kids had escaped and was traveling in a balloon over Colorado....and he had one of the babies attached to a silver baloon. Now- thats a costume.

Reason #289429879528 you should be watching the 4th hour of the today show: Kathie lee just told Hoda that she had a 5 oclock shadow.

Ok pal...Don't call me Chief. I am not an Indian Chief. I am not a Kansas City Chief. I am not the chief of police. I am not even a chef which I sometime misspell. I am also not a Kaiser Chief...though that would be kinda cool.

Bear Grylls of Man vs Wild fame just instructed that if trapped on a desert island, make a raft lined with 20-40 plastic jugs for buoyancy, depending on your weight, to get you to safety. This seems only practical if you are washed up on a landfill or traveling with recyle-ables.

Richard Head, MD Family practice- just saw the sign while driving down Harding Road.

What kind of training are you in? For stripping? I had no idea Christie's had a wheelchair night. I mean its a niche market I never considered. Whatever you do- keep the dream alive. keep dancing.

Just saw an elderly man with a shirt on that said "in da club". Where can I sign up for this?

BTW- last night Charlie was very concerned with where you sleep. She said she hoped you had somewhere to stretch out your legs so you could be comfortable. She was concerned about you sleeping in your chair.

Degrassi Marathon on the N! My ass is parked here all day. How Sad.

Watching a show displaying the tragic side of comedy- drugs, suicide, sarcadasia, murder. I have some concerns about your burgeoning comedy career.

The return of 'Lets Make a Deal?' Finally all your dreams have come true, and there's validation for carrying around paperclips, dental floss and toenail clippers in your purse.

Somehow got caught up in the Bratz movie. To be honest, very enjoyable so far.

You know what else was lame? FDR. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


Check out this lady...its you in 30 years. 



....To be Continued. 









Thursday, August 5, 2010

TFLY Vol 1 (texts from last year)


My phone is a piece of crap. I have no exterior readout. Speakerphone doesn't work. The "x" button doesn't work consistently, so I have to sometimes spell things phonetically like "did you get my tecksts?" and "see you neckst week." The ass-kicker is that the phone itself doesn't charge, so I have to remove the battery...insert it into my father's phone...and have him charge it. We pretty much have it down to a science and have been doing it for weeks longer than the average person would, because if there is one thing my family does well its "make due." We really have resourcefulness down to a fine art. If I had insurance on my LG NV 2, this would not be an issue, but I don't because I have never lost or damaged a phone before.

Since my little tattooed Spanish-speaking angel, Dawn, decided that she would lend me her old crackberry until my contract was up, and Verizon started carrying the Iphone next year [Tangent: yep...I am pretentious and very excited about having a new I-gadget to add to the family.], I decided I needed to clean up my inbox and get all my pictures off before the big transfer.

I am a bit of a text hoarder, and am usually at 98% capacity. As in life, I keep anything with any ounce of sentimentality or anything that has ever made me laugh or made me smile. Because my loved ones are hysterical and I didn't want to lose their wit in the transition, I have decided to post them Texts from last night style. I have a lot, so I am giving them to you in volumes. It's a lot to digest.

Weird dream: Kate of J&K+8 and Kanye West were the hot new it couple. I was also there with a myriad of the Real Housewives from various seasons. don't even watch the show
 
White woman pork face- when do i get my ride in that sweet piece of chocolate candy you call a vehicle?
 
Sweat and Riesling- the new fragrance from J. Lo now available at CVS <---after revealing what my bridesmaid dress was covered in
 
Driving down Frazier...I just saw a woman stop and puke canary yellow vomit on the sidewalk...then without missing a step kept walking.
 
I was just told that sometimes my knight in shining armor is a retarded kid in tin foil.
 
Pet peeve- people always call Dave Coulier Uncle Joey...Don't they know that he was not related? He was actually Danny Tanner's BFF from college. But we called dad's friend Fred, Uncle Fred...so I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental
 
Basil Marceaux work history: goodwill; blazers and men's coats depot; Domino's Pizza- manager of coupon gluing and box folding; president of BP safety council.


I had a dream that we were on a church trip to Las Vegas with a bunch of BHS grads. We stole a model plane and had a pet monkey and for some reason we decided to dress slutty...I mean really skanky....our stuff wasn't even covered with a strip of fabric.
 
A guy is singing Eddie Money's Take Me Home Tonight...and just ripped off his shirt...seriously I almost peed myself laughing. It was amazing- He started rubbing his chest and jumped into the crowd of 3 people.
 
Micah's a little worried. we are going rafting for my birthday and we just watched The River Wild. Hope Kevin Bacon doesn't hijack our raft because I just learned we share a birthday.
 
I was just selling General Jackson showboat tickets over the phone and asked the lady if she had any little ones with her (meaning children)- and she went off on me about my offensive language. Apparently she is here for the little people's convention. No, really.
 
I just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm an American-American." which might have well have said "I don't like people of color"
 
Did you just use a "u" instead of "you" in a text message? I'm not drunk enough to handle that from you, Jones.
 
I think mom just drunk texted me
 
Jack White just threw us water bottles down from the roof.
 
I'm going to catch Hannah Montana then go to bed. I have gymnastics in the morning then mom is taking me to shop for cute boots. OMG.<---after revealing to a male friend that I had tried to listen to Owl City and was not a fan.
 
Have you seen Jack Johnson's new video surfing in Hawaii where he has a beard like a mountain man. You may lose it.
 
Wait- she fantasized about singing a jazzercized version of poker face with her long lost mother? That's normal. <-----clearly after watching Glee. 
 
You rock so hard they should call you granite- HEYOH
 
I'm pretty sure my place of employment has pandora on for Nickelback. Kill me now. Follow up text: yep they just played Evanesence and Creed and some band that sang about lips of angels.
 
Oooh. Flood benefit. They should go for the trifecta. Miley. Ke$ha and Tay Swift. Minds Blown.
 
Lightbulb! Let s get some plaster and fake that we are conjoined


We need a stash of gimpy accoutrements to hand out in the event of a guest <-----referencing gimp squad sabbath coffee
 
That should be a chapter in your book- how misheard song lyrics can ruin your life and also changing 'you' to 'Jew' in songs. You have ruined nearly every song for me that way
 
At Micah's over 30 soccer game- they play on a youth field....like the kind I played on when I was 3 or 4. I guess too much running could lead to cardiac arrest. I'm for sure the only spectator...I should have brought Carpri Suns and orange slices
 
OMG! WYNONNA JUDD IS PERFORMING AT THE PREDS GAME!
 
So...let me get this straight -we criticize Japan for having a little people amusement park...saying they put them on display, but TLC is allowed to base their entire lineup around exploiting little people doing everyday things...at least let them sing and dance.
 
Good dream. Its on par with my dream about having Eminem's love child while we were fighting global terrorism.
 
Someone just filled out one of those about me facebook quizzes and answered yes to the question 'does this person want to come out of the closet?' She also answered yes to me 'being a spazz' and 'looking good in a bathing suit.'
 
It took every ounce of composure in my body. This guy in our meeting just said he wanted to see something come to "frutation"
 
Wow! $800! Thats something. Don't spend it all on bubblegum and candy cigarettes!
 
You're a triumphant cripple.
 
Why does news channel 2 have news team Ron Burgundy type advertisement now?


That girl is blacker than gas station coffee.
 
Wal-mart doesn't sell Jesus beards as part of its Christmas section. I am shocked.



    To be Continued....

    Monday, August 2, 2010

    No Fear?


    Everyone has seen those episodes of Maury Povich (or at least if you are being honest about your trashy television watching habits) where people discuss their irrational fears. Guests can be petrified of snakes or pickles or bubble wrap and Maury, being the ass that he is, will thrust them headfirst into facing their fear. Usually he does this by making aforementioned fear somehow chase them or suficate them. Example: If you are scared of cotton balls, Maury will dress a man up in a suit covered in the fluffy nonthreatening material and have him chase after you and try to hug you, much like Chuck E. Cheese might after a child's birthday party(see below).








    As ridiculous as the woman above is behaving, I must admit that I understand her predicament. Everyone has them: irrational fears. In fact "What is your irrational fear?" is one of my favorite getting to know you/first date kinda questions. The results are so much more interesting than the "What's your favorite color?" or "What's your sign?" kinda generica. For clarification, an irrational fear cannot be something which is common and or somehow overtly dangerous like heights or car accidents. My findings to this one question are like windows into the crazy psyches of those I love.

    My irrational fears are plentiful and haphazard. While coming across the film The Final Destination the other night on cable, I was reminded of some that I've had over the years, but have become dormant as I've gotten older. Many of them stemmed from urban legends or watching episodes of 20/20 at a young age. [Tangent: Consumer reports and shows like 20/20 and Dateline are single-handedly creating an epidemic of irrational fears. For example, My sister is petrified that she will one day become possessed by a demon. We were not raised in an uber religious family, aside from the natural Catholic fear of the devil inhabiting your body. At some point in my youth, I am positive we watched an episode of 20/20 where they showed a live exorcism. We were much to wee to understand sensationalism in journalism so thus an irrational fear was born.] In the above mentioned film, people are killed in seemingly safe and everyday situations- a movie theater catching fire, getting eviscerated via pool drain and my personal favorite drowning in a car wash. For someone like me who always maps out what could possibly go awry in any given scenario, these movies make me feel like I have reason to worry, and thus make me feel sane.

    When I was little everything was possibly threatening and resulted in an outpouring of tears: Teddy Ruxpin, ET [Tangent: I was scared of that adorable alient until 3rd grade.], Harry and the Hendersons, Chuck E. Cheese/Showbiz Pizza characters (especially that damned drum playing gorilla) and even our house cat, Spike.

    But with age, my yellow belly faded to a sunny beige. Today, if I had to narrow it down, my two biggest sources of mortification are birds that can conversate (parrots, cockatiels et al.) and the holocaust. Try to erase those puzzled looks off you faces because I think I have a good argument for both.

    Birds: For clarification, I don't generally like any type of bird. [Tangent: There is the exception of flamingos and hummingbirds, which both seem fairly non-threatening and thus tolerable. Maybe because one is the color of Pepto Bismal and the other drinks glorified Crystal Light all day. How bad can they be? ]Whether it be the times at the beach when my family would throw bread in the air and have seagulls swarm or the time when a chicken flew from a slack-jawed yokel's shoulder to roost in my hair after a hayride, birds seemed to have an anti-Kimmie agenda. Their eerie quality increases tenfold when they gain the power of speech. It just seems to go against nature, like a monkey roller skating or a squirrel wind surfing.

    I recall once as a child being in the pet section of WalMart, my sister Kelly and I were checking out the goldfish when all of a sudden our conversation was being mimicked in a creepy witchy voice by someone/something behind us. As we whipped around, we found the source, a big gnarly looking macaw. Ever since then, I have held the opinion that birds that can conversate were on par with clowns as far as creepiness is concerned.

    The Holocaust: Ok. I am not Jewish and was not alive during Nazi wartime, but The Holocaust is still a source of uneasiness for me. When I was younger, I happened to be in the room when my family was watching some movie about the Holocaust. The film showed Jews being hustled out of a restaurant and into the gas chamber. I was too young to understand that it was because of their beliefs and the stringency of the Nazi regime that they were being euthanized. My naive assumption was wrong place/wrong time, and from then on, I became scared that any time my parents went out for a date night, they may not be coming home.

    As I grew up and learned more about it, I realized I had Polish family members over there around that time. Also, I knew that both Catholics and the disabled were among the groups also not part of "The Master Race." If I had been around, I was shit outta luck and destined to be gassed. My lung power is terrible, I would have quickly perished. See, I have my reasons.

    These weird phobias were something I kept within until recently, and now I revel in hearing about the unorthodox fears of my friends and family. The following is an annotated list of some I of the best answers to my query that have been given. Their identities have been concealed to protect the innocent.

    • Werewolves (this from a 28 year old man)
    • Being raped by an Asian man
    • Being cast in a movie that is cursed
    • Ferris wheels
    • Porcelain dolls
    • Claymation Christmas Specials
    • Camel spiders despite being nowhere near a desert
    • Watching loved ones go down slides
    See ya on Maury...

    Sunday, August 1, 2010

    Play with your Bieber?


    It's not a personal habit to listen to Nashville's popular music station, 107.5 The River. It's not that I feel superior and hipster and like a conformist when I do; it's more because I feel completely old and out of touch with the youth in America (and it makes me question their taste level) when I do. By twisting my dial to that station, it immediately shape shifts me into an old crotchety lady on a porch yelling, "what are they saying in all that racket?" or "They call this music?!?!?"

    However, today, on a whim, I decided to check it out as I made the solo drive home from Bellvue (especially given that Bea, my Ipod was dead and my free subscription to XM has long ago expired). They were having throwback Sunday so playing only popular music from the 90s. JACKPOT. This is my zone.

    [Tangent: I am a humongous nerd for everything 90s. With the exception of most fashion of that period, I believe everything in the 90's was markedly superior to things in existence today. Anyone who knows me in any capacity knows that about me. In fact, to celebrate this, I had a 90's themed birthday party to celebrate my 27th birthday last year. Photographic evidence below.]

    My best friend Kristen and I clearly had some of the best looks:
    Linda Perry of 4 Non Blondes and Brenda Walsh



    In case you needed a frame of reference:



    I began the 30 minute car ride rocking out and having fun. I surprised myself at still knowing all the words (and dance moves) to Gettin' Jiggy Wit It, and I got surprisingly nostalgic as I ardently sang Duncan Shiek's Barely Breathing and Sophie B. Hawkins' Damn I wish I was your Lover. [Tangent: Every time I hear the latter song, I instantly flash to the episode of BH 90210 where it's is playing when David walks in on Kelly and Dylan getting busy in the beach house during their summer where Andrea and Brandon and the gang spent their summer at The Beverly Hills Beach Club. (It was remarkably close to the same time frame where the Saved by the Bell gang spent the summer working for Leon Kerosi at The Desert Sands Beach Club...I always hoped for a crossover episode. A girl can dream.) Brenda was abroad in Paris and it was a pivotal episode in the Brenda-Kelly-Dylan love triangle, hence why it is xeroxed into my memory, and only further supports my theory that I am a little obsessed with popular culture of that decade.]

    This wave of sudden acceptance of 107.5 The River crashed suddenly when commercial time came. Apparently the station is running a promotion in conjunction with the upcoming Justin Bieber show at the Bridgestone called "Play with Your Bieber." Try to stop your 12 year old giggling in time for me to explain. You can win the chance to play Xbox backstage with Justin Bieber before the show (what a prize!). Apparently he sings about it one of his hit songs that I have never heard. <-----reason number 1908340813980123 that I don't listen to 107.5 The River. I knock it a lot, but if a similar promotion ran 20 years ago, for New Kids on the Block. I would have called into the station every night multiple times in hopes of playing Atari or NES with Jonathan Knight. [Tangent: When I was wee, my sister really regulated what celebrity crushes I could have. Example: We liked Poison. She liked Brett Michaels, so I had to like CeeCee Deville. We liked NKOTB. She liked Jonathan Knight, so I was forced to like Joey McIntyre. It actually worked out ok. Brett Michaels went on to be a VH1 celebreality whore and Jon Knight went on to be an adult braces wearing homosexual with a social anxiety problem. It seems I made the more stable selections as far as celebrity beaus, even if by default.] If I were a 9 year old today, I would definitely have Bieber Fever. I know this because when I was that age, I was playing with my Joey Mac action figures, bathing with my NKOTB wash cloths, and wearing my New Kids night shirt as I had sweet dreams of boys with Boston accents under my amazing giant New Kids poster where they all were wearing tuxedos and looking slightly to the left. Aww....to be young and impressionable again.
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