Monday, January 3, 2011

belly achin'

As a big fan of terrible television shows, I have made no secret about my love of a little TLC nugget called I Didn't Know I was Pregnant. And this morning, on more than one occasion, I felt like one of its "stars". [Tangent: Ok. Cool your jets- I am NOT with child. If I was pregnant, the interweb would not be my avenue of notifying people. I am old fashioned like that. Also, I am sure some in the religious community would also be notified, because this baby would be Jesus part deux. I may not be the best Catholic, but I am pretty sure I went to Sunday school the day that was covered. Although a baby Kimmie would be second coming of Christ kinda exciting, It will hopefully not be the literal second coming of aforementioned Biblical celeb. That is additional pressure this girl doesn't need.] A ridiculously potent pain ripped through my thoracic cavity as I was getting up this morning. Made paranoid by TLC afternoon programming, I felt as if I was seconds away from finding a newborn in my PJ pants [Spoiler Alert: I didn't].

An hour after thrashing about like an asylum patient, doing Lamaze style breathing and eating Maalox tablets like Junior Mints- the pain subsided. The sweet euphoric feeling of not hurting like a crazy person made me feel like I was OK to go into the office, albeit an hour and a half late. All was going swimmingly once I got to work. I made some tea, fixed an onion bagel, [Tangent: The choice of an onion bagel would later prove to be a bad decision. One must always consider very carefully flavors when they are having a sour stomach.] and started amending workman's compensation claims with a fury.
This little boy reminds me of Jerry O'Connell in Stand By Me.

At some point post-bagel, I got an old familiar pain that felt as if someone was ripping my ribs apart and then braiding my intestines [Tangent: This was not a loose fishtail braid either. It was like a set of tight micro-braids from a surly Bahamian on the beach.] I can't be certain, but the whole time I kinda felt like the following was about to transpire:

[Confession: I have never seen Alien, yet I have seen Spaceballs roughly 5,000 times. This is a much better frame of reference.]
After twisting, rocking, gagging into a coffee mug and terrifying several of my coworkers, my parents picked me up and told me that I was going to the ER. However, while en route, the pain dissolved.

Seriously, body? I love surprises, but happy surprises like when I discovered that after years of eyebrow plucking, I had worn down my hair follicles and they weren't growing anymore. This belly aching would not fall under that category. Furthermore, the fact that I have spent 33% of 2011 in the fetal position is not a good thing...lets not make this a trend. K?


  1. Oh no!! I'm so sorry that the stupid onion bagel came back to haunt you. Seriously though, please get that checked out. Sooner rather than later.

    -Your Fellow Onion Bagel Lover and Ulcer Sufferer

  2. Is it even creepier of me than normal to want one of those plush stomachs from the first picture? {If only so I can pretend to make it say "Oh, I'm STUFFED."]

  3. i am not happy about your stomach ache, but that first paragraph was so funny i made aaron let me read it to him. twice. only you can make a stomach pains funny, my friend.


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