Wednesday, January 26, 2011

bling your thing.


Disclaimer: I apologize to those who read my blog who hold me in any kind of esteem or on any kind of pedestal, because I am about to smash it. PS. I will miss the view. Also, I apologize that I can't show more pictures to illustrate my point, but that would require to open my site up to hordes of pervs. I have been encouraged to write on this topic and am thus giving the people what they want. So I'm sorry and you're welcome in advance.

Several months ago, I got the following facebook message from my friend Katie, who reads my blog regularly:
Kimmie- 
slight request for the blog. I would love to hear your comments on vagazzling.
It's the new.... Uhm... Body beautification.

Love it!! (your blog not the vagazzle) and check it daily.
At the time I thought, "The time is not right. The time for a Vajazzle-centric blog will come." Well, apparently today is the day to address this pressing issue.  The impetus for vajazzling came knocking at my inbox when a friend forwarded me an email sent to them by a local salon. The email was to hype up their Valentine Vajazzle Special [Tangent: I am sure at least 50% of you reading this are currently thinking, "I think I know what Vajazzle is...but surely my assumption isn't correct...because that's too ridiculous to be an actual salon service." Unfortunately, its exactly as bad as it sounds. Little sparkly swarofski crystals are affixed to your lady business with something akin to nail glue to give you that extra oomph. Especially if that oomph you desire is a bedazzled crotch.  Self Vajazzle kits are also available on the web for those crafty ones. Celebs (?) like Jennifer Love Hewitt are big fans of the trend, which should be reason enough to do it, right?] 


Personally when I first heard of vajazzling, I was kind of puzzled, even though I worked at a lingerie store for years and should be accustomed to the bizarre means people have to melt their butter, it seemed silly and not at all sexy. People like fringe and edible sparkles and lingerie that look like Icecapades costumes (at least according to what sold around Valentine's Day every year.) It should not shocking that women would want to glitz up every square inch of their bodies, but it is.  Even though I love Lady Gaga, I feel she is partially to blame.

It's nothing new. Since Cleopatra's time, embellishment has been encouraged, and I have drawers and drawers of makeup, so I cannot hate on people for wanting to beautify.  I just think if you have the money and time to do this and maintain it, I am probably not affiliated with you, thus it fascinates me [Tangent: Similar to the way I am fascinated by Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives franchises, I am always baffled by things that are completely removed from my life...i.e. vagina jewels.] . Imagine how frustrating it is to lose an earring or a contact...now think about losing a woozie sparkle. Now explain looking for that on the subway or in a Wendy's bathroom.  Awkward.

Also, is it something you maintain...or is it a one shot deal? Is there a male equivalent? What is that called?  This has really opened the floodgates of vajazzle-related inquiries.


Although I am not a fan of the act of the vajazzling,  the word is just so fun to say that it might wear me down. Vajazzle! it just sounds so magical, as if it should be accompanied by a chime and multiple exclamation points. It may rival jeggings as my favorite hybrid word. 
Conan + Jeggings = my head exploding
[Mega Tangent: Unlike jeggings, I didn't make the word Vajazzling up. Yes, you heard correctly. I made up the term jeggings. No. I'm not delusional.  About a year and a half ago, I read in a magazine that denim leggings were becoming en vogue again. [Sub-tangent: I say "again" because I had an acid-washed, lace-hemmed pair in 4th grade, so they are nothing new.] Since I sit down all day, and skinny jeans are hell for someone in that position- I opted for anything with a stretchy waistband that I could wear with cute boots.  You can ask anyone I work with or know in any capacity because I called them jeggings for months, to the point of great annoyance. Then last January, my boss put an article on my desk, written by an LA syndicated writer. It was a piece all about 'jeggings' that was run in The Tennessean, which made it seem as this woman in California coined the phrase. I was convinced my brother or his fiance, who live in the LA area were to blame for this leak of my term to the West coast.  I shared the splendor of jeggings with them at Christmastime; it seemed rather convenient. Now Jeggings are everywhere, and every time I see the word emblazoned on a window display or hear it mentioned on The View, there is a great deal of fist shaking on my behalf.]


I feel like for every person that is completely disgusted by vajazzling after reading this blog, there is going to be another person that says, "ooh I want that!" [Tangent: Probably because they are easily led to shiny objects.], so I will offer up some alternative ways you can be flashy without resorting to making your junk glitzy. 
This seems like it would hurt your hand, but if your thirst for embellishment is great, quench it by any means necessary.

Smart phones need sparkle too.

Why do disco tranny cat suits seem more logical than vajazzles?

This seems impractical, but should be something you try instead of vajazzling.   


If all else fails, get a gem sweater.  They go great with jeggings.


Its official, I have no shame...

5 comments:

  1. I am now informed and in disbelief. I had no idea this existed. I am laughing hysterically at the final images you included and think I shall try to instead go the disco tranny cat suit route. Seems more practical.

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  2. LMBO! Thank you! I had recently heard about this, but I didn't know it was real, or a trend. You always crack me up!
    I feel your pain with them having stolen "jeggings" from you! If one more person tells me I named my son after Angelina Jolie's little girl (who was born a year or two later) I'm going to lose it!
    Now excuse me, i have to go bedazzle my jeggings;p

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  3. FAVORITE-post-EVER.

    First I've heard of it. Now I'm intrigued, possibly enough to try it. Californians are crazy; I might as well join the ranks.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are the only person on planet Earth who can so thoroughly horrify and endear me at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Rosebud" - Citizen Kane
    "Yes my precious" - Gollum

    ReplyDelete

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