Friday, February 4, 2011

how could i forget the fat babies?

The other day I wrote a blog about my inner fat girl and when telling a coworker about it, he pleaded, "Please, tell me you mentioned the Maury fat babies!" I shook my head in disgust. Clearly I had failed as a blogger. How had I missed such an obvious correlation?

If you read my ramblings a lot, you will notice the frequent allusions to Maury Povich [Tangent: Exhibit AExhibit B and Exhibit C] I have no idea my lifespan, I have watched equal amounts of Montel, Ricki Lake and  even Jenny Jones. Why does Maury get the spotlight? Not unlike his counterparts in terrible daytime TV, he is predictable, and sometimes predictability is like a nice, warm laundry-scented hug [Tangent: Laundry-scented? I know...I know. I just happen to think dryer sheets are the most comforting scent on earth. Don't judge until you have spent a few minutes in the laundry aisle in Target, just for kicks, with no intention of purchasing Tide.] to watch the unpolished, rat-tailed masses interact in a cliched format.

Before Maury turned his journalistic integrity to the important tasks of lie detector tests, paternity disputes and boot camp enrollment, he mixed it up a little more.  Think back to the late '90s and early '00s [Tangent: I am still unclear how to reference the years between 2000-2009. It seems 11 years later, I should have that figured out.], The Maury Povich show had more than three topics, they had at least six.

Aside from the "bizarre fear" and "special kids" episodes, which have gotten their days in the sunshine courtesey of this blog,  those are not the episodes that I miss most. Where have the tranny pageants and fat babies gone? They are going on about their business in society without a platform on which to shine, so here ya go fat babies and trannies- shine on. 

lady/not lady?
I'm slightly fascinated with transvestites and drag culture. If I had a Make-A-Wish, it would be to have a drag queen do my makeup, so its really no wonder these episodes were so memorable to me. Basically it would begin with a parade of gorgeous 6 foot tall stunners parading out, in their broad shouldered, stripper-heeled glory.

The audience would then predict the anatomy of those on the catwalk by shouting out "MAN!!!!!!" or "WOMAN!!!" Intermittently, Maury would pull someone inarticulate out of the audience and have them explain their choice, "That definitely be a man. She got man face. No woman look like that!"

Then for the Shamylan twist...the person with tranny face is really a woman. I never knew who I felt worse for. The men in drag who were horribly unsuccessful at female impersonation or the women who looked mannish. You decide.

maury fat babies...

Let me preface the following rant by saying I was the baby of the family and have no nieces or nephews.  All my child development information has been gleaned from the handful of friends I have with children and episodes of A Baby Story and Teen Mom. I'm no expert. Despite this ignorance,  I know for a fact that a baby shouldn't have the option of drinking a bottle of ranch dressing in lieu of formula. [Tangent: I wish I were making that up, but I have seen that on a Maury show. I am not sure if the dressing was placed in a sippy cup or if they just slapped a nipple atop the bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch. Either way, it makes me ill and makes me giggle simultaneously.]

Maury: What does 18 month old eat Kyle eat for breakfast?

Kyle's mom: He eats 7 eggs, a pound of bacon, 6 pop tarts and a 2-liter of soda.

WHAT? I don't recall being 18 months old, but I can guarantee I ate oatmeal for breakfast. Would I have rather been eating an entire meat lover's pizza? Probably, but that just seems like a poor choice.

That's why I could never look away when I saw a Maury fat baby show was going to air. Even if you did let your 4-year-old polish off a bucket of KFC unassisted, why would you want to share your poor parenting with all of America? [Tangent: "all of America" = those home at 3 PM with horrible taste in TV programming.] The idea of wanting to be proud of stuffing your children like Thanksgiving turkeys on B-roll, and then letting them waddle on stage in skintight sweatpants was baffling, upsetting and amusing all in one little chunky package.

Seeing that childhood obesity is such a trendy topic nowadays, one would think Maury would be onboard and revisit his fat baby episodes, yet I haven't come across one in years. So for old time sake...


  1. i can't decide: is it altogether ethical for me to be comforted by the fact i am in better shape than a three-year-old?

  2. ah man! the clip is no longer available.


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