Sunday, March 20, 2011

Pogonology. I like your beard.

yeah...they are.
When I don't know what to write about...sometimes I need look no further than my cell phone's inbox. Last week I had a text message from my dear friend/coworker/henchman in ridiculousness, Alex, saying the following:

Pogonology. Look it up. Fall in love.

After some fierce smart phone googling, I learned that Pogonology is indeed a legitimate study (maybe), and not just "the study of pogs" like some might have guessed. 

By the end of this blog, I will technically be a pogonologist, which makes me proud.

It has always been a running joke that there are a lot of weird traits that I find very attractive in men.  Examples: I think ginger haired fellas are very hot. I like a good beard. I like a guy who wears glasses. Jewish men I find very foxy. A therapist might speculate that I like a good underdog or anyone that can undergone persecution- but the beard doesn't quite fit that mold. [Tangent: I mean its not like Jesus was persecuted for his penchant for facial hair. If that was the case, I was grossly ill-informed in CCD class growing up. The only ways I thought persecution and beards could have any connection were for guys that couldn't grow good facial hair or women that could. Yes. Maybe they would be some alienated by society at large.]
yep...that's a scum 'stache or DTM: dirty teenage moustache

Why is Salma Hayek gorgeous even when bearded? Not fair. She would likely not be persecuted, but drooled over.
Also, a boys hotness capacity can skyrocket with a just the slightest smidgeon of peachfuzz.  I have previously gushed about my love of bearded brothers, The Avett Brothers, but they are not alone in that heart chamber reserved for hairy dudes. I think Conan O'Brien is a dapper bearded gentleman [Tangent: ...And he's a redhead. Bonus points!]. Even when I went to go see mellow tunesmith, William Fitzsimmons, play at the Cannery Ballroom, my friend Alicia had to remind me that I shouldn't ask him to touch his beard or even stick my face in it, like I desperately wanted to do. 
....Can you blame me?
Even guys that are already a wicked breed of pretty can get a swift kick into sexy town by leaving their Mach 3 behind. Take a good looking guy like the mellow, perpetually barefoot singer, Jack Johnson:
Forgetting to shave made him so much better looking to me, and I don't think I am alone in thinking so. Americans seemed to be obsessed. Beard fever has become epidemic. Don't believe me?  Log onto  the hipster haven Etsy and type in "beards". You will find the following proof that everyone wants in on some hot hairy action. 
this will be my child.

What if you have a baby girl? Problem solved.

Although this baby looks horrified, I could see myself torturing my child with this.

I bet this guy gets a lot of tail.
As if a baby beard isn't proof enough that everyone should have a beard, there are also multiple blogs on the bearded culture and  online forums devoted to beard issues [Tangent: Not sure what these issues are. I am guessing: ingrown hairs; pros and cons of the chinstrap beard; the fine line between folksy and homeless, etc.] If you still don't see that having a beard is a solid lifestyle choice [Tangent: Yes...I believe its a lifestyle.] and not just a sign of laziness reserved for loggers and truckers,  check out sites like the phenomenons Whiskerino and its creepy cousin, Moustache May. I've had friends participate in the past in these celebrations of follicle, and when it's their hair growing season, I grow increasingly jealous that there isn't something similar for the ladies. Why do guys get to have all the fun?

Luckily I have found a couple loopholes...ways that the ladies can bring bearded sexy back, without resorting to shots of testosterone and getting the unattractive side effect of "tranny voice." If you can't make it, you gotta fake it.

I don't know if these will catch on...but they should.
This picture is of my friend, Rae, who wore this shirt to trivia night a couple years ago, and this mental image is still one of my favorites. 

Given that it's March and all...I thought I would leave you readers with something timely and beard-centric that I blatently lifted from I think a Gandalf/Kenny Rogers championship would be the cat's pajamas.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. clearly we have not won the war on terrorism because dumbledore has not yet been allowed to challenge bin laden to a beard-off. . .

  3. hahahaha, i was like "ummm is kimmie going to include a picture of the beard i made for the beard pageant???' but the one you did include was even better. hahaha, i've never seen that picture. but the beard looks oddly natural.

  4. Beth=WINNER!!!!!

    My fav blog thus far Jonesie.

    But, you know I have a soft spot for beards.


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