Tuesday, April 19, 2011

thrift store mystery date.


My friends Jonni and Beth have been talking for about 2 months about this super secret gift they bought me whilst shopping together one day. They gave me nary a hint, but assured me it contained the cure for AIDS [Tangent: Ok...maybe those weren't their words exactly...but they assured me it was awesome.]  and that upon seeing it, I would likely urinate on myself. With all this buildup, I was bracing myself for disappointment, because nothing can match that level of hype. However, then Jonni showed me the gift:

nothing weird about this...at all.
 Yep. That's right, it's a $1.99 record from Goodwill and as my friends know I love awkward and ridiculous and am a follower of websites like these. In fact I have Google image searched "terrible album covers" more times than I can count, so of course I loved it immediately. [Tangent: Please, I urge you to do this sometime when you are sad...it will plummet you headlong into the internet rabbit hole, and you will leave happy.]

 While scanning the cover of this amazing gift and seeing such eerily named Jesus-centric jams like "Invisible Hands," I learned all about these identically dressed Kansas sisters who share a love of smocks, God and Corinthian columns. However, I neglected to realize there was another gift inside the cardboard sleeve.  My friends told me that on a nearby shelf, they had found this at the Goodwill and knew that it also had to be mine.

ladies...please.
Yes...that's right...someone donated an 8x10 glossy of this guy to charity. Shockingly, it had no price tag, so my friends found it as the ultimate thrifting find. SCORE! The first inclination that popped into my head was, "I could easily photoshop the wedding ring off, we should make this guy an eharmony account." [Tangent: Although it would have been worth the monthly fee just to amuse myself, I do possess some semblance of a soul and I couldn't do it.]

I felt I could glean a lot from just a headshot of a dude in a silk shirt and shiny suit. Something tells me his name is Jake [Tangent: Although Beth and Jonni autographed the back as "Dirk"] and he really enjoys both rollerblading and cross stitch, to keep his body fit and nourish his creative spirit. Likely, he is looking for a lady who will help him achieve his dreams of managing a Johnny Rocket's and to share his love of Yankee Candles.

4 comments:

  1. I couldn't stop laughing when Beth showed me the picture of this. It's just so... kitchsy. Although I would have insisted that I get a chance to play Mystery Date if that's what the gift had been.

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  2. Whenever your heart and soul feel downtrodden. Just remember, Dirk thinks you are a true inspiration. . .

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  3. Dirk's jacket is entirely too big. I think his profile should include that he recently lost 150 pounds or something to that effect.

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  4. why are jake's hands so huge they dont match his head size? was he the shrunken head guy at the end of beetlejuice? also- the album cover googling, well, as you know I'm also addicted to this hobby.

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