Thursday, April 14, 2011

what the oprah?

I hate "LOL cats" but this one seemed too perfect.

Everyday, I get home from work about 2:30, meaning I am home in time to shape shift into a middle aged woman just in time for the back-to-back TV cupcake that is Ellen and Oprah. [Tangent: I realize it sounds super pathetic, but we all have our vices...and one of mine just happens to be talk shows. It's much more affordable and not as life ruining as hard street drugs, so shh....accept it.].

I giggle so hard at this. so staged yet so funny.

Ellen was something I never watched until I was out on temporary disability last year. Since then, I have become way too excited to watch it everyday. Without her friendly androgeny, I may have never know the glory that is Double Dream Hands! [Tangent: By the way, my mother rocked these moves at my brother's wedding, so imagine a 5'1 Polish lady doing it and it makes it all the more fun to watch.]

Then comes 4:00 and OPRAH'S ON! Despite her superiority complex and inclination to shout at odd intervels, I gotta back my Nashville gal, O. Her stepmother was the assistant principal at my high school for a year or two when I was there, so I feel like that virtually makes me and The Oprah BFF. Because of this two degrees of seperation, I feel it is time for me to take aside my dear friend, Oprah and have a little girl talk. 

Dear O-

I love you. Throughout the years you have become a part of my daily routine. My roommate in college and I wrote you multiple letters to buy me a van when I was poor and without transport. Despite the lack of answer on your behalf [Tangent: Being that we were both PR majors, we thought we had it in the bag. We played every card in the deck: The wheelchair card...the black girl and white girl best friends card...the Nashville hometown girl card... the school of journalism card. etc. ad infinitum.], I still followed you and built my course schedule around you for multiple semesters. I even made a point to read a couple Toni Morrison books.

For these reasons, with baited breath I have tuned in and set to DVR each episode in your final season. Now, O, here's a light bulb moment- you have 29 episodes left, and you need to bring it. I know you have your own network now and a school for girls and are making people read again and shutting down puppy mills whilst encouraging Veganism (even though you aren't a vegan).  Yet, something about your shows as of late have made me wonder if you may have lost some  bets with some of your Harpo studio workers. Example: today you did bring on C Lo Green to sing your theme song from 10 year ago, Run On. [Tangent: The Goodie Mob is sooooo proud right now.]
At least C Lo is relevant in an "As heard on Glee" kinda way, I don't mean to be judgmental but here are some examples of "timely" stories you have covered as of late: "A reunion with the cast of Love Story"; an hour with Tony Danza;  "Stevie Nicks, Pat Benetar and more!"; The Judds. I just feel like this is your moment. Now is the carpe diem time and not the time to start skimming your trashcan for subject matter. I can't wait for these last 29 episodes. Please make me feel like a douche bag. I beg of you- prove me wrong Mama O!

Although some of her recent shows have not been my cup of celestial seasonings, I can't fault Miss O. It's like your last week of work when you have already put in your 2 weeks notice- you're allowed to phone things in a bit. If my childhood dreams of being a talk show host were realized, I can't say I wouldn't do things simply because I always wanted to see it occur [hence a Miley Cyrus/Joan Jett duet]. Otherwise, whats the point of having your name sandwiched between the words "the" and "show"?  
there are an alarming number of Oprah Jesuses on the interweb. a bit shocking.

Crazy things I would do if I had a talk show:

  • Re-enact Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead using marionettes
  • Reunite the cast of Empire Records
  • Steel Magnolia's quote of the week
  • Have a weekly segment where I rant about American Idol to a degree where I just come off really sad
  • Use my power to meet hot actor/musician types
  • I end each show with a ribbon dance routine to the first song in my Itunes shuffle
  • 4 words-  house band: Barenaked Ladies [I mean...really? what are they really doing now?]

OK. That's all I got right now. Oprah I love prove this, I just submitted why I am an unlikely Lady Gaga fan via your website. Pick me. Choose Me. Love me. [Tangent: And I will let that whole grudge about the van slide.]


  1. I'm going to need you to get your own talk show for three reasons:

    1. I NEED to see Don't Tell Mom in marionette form. NEED.

    2. I will be front row center for the Empire Records reunion screaming for AJ and throwing inappropriate things on stage.

    3. Let me be your guest host for the American Idol segment. I can ramble and rant about that for daaaaaaays! Speaking of...our eye candy went home. I'm pissed.

  2. I am going to need you to get your own talk show for one reason alone:

    STEEL MAGNOLIAS QUOTE OF THE WEEK! Bonus points if I can be on the show now and then and do this. Sometimes, I break out into random Steel Magnolias quotes for no reason. But really, who needs a reason?!

    "I'm fiiiine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could!!!!"

    "Shelby was right. It IS a brown football helmet!"

    "And what are you gonna name it if it's a boy?" "Shelby, I guess...?"

    Dammit I have to watch this movie now.

  3. Thank you for alerting me to Oprah Christ, or (s)He who sitteth at the right hand of God the Father Almighty...

    And last I heard, Bare Naked Ladies was performing on a cruise ship, or as I like to call it, a sociological experiment gone fucking berzerk.

    Sorry for swearing.

  4. oh my god, "Last I heard" was seriously four years ago... but I was still right...

  5. seriously, the 16 year old version of myself would be on that ship crying with excitement as they launch into another encore of "If I had a million dollars..."

  6. Will you be my Johnny Carson? I'll be your Ed McMahon.


I thrive on comments, so what do you think?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...