Tuesday, June 28, 2011

total garbage.

I am inappropriate. A lot actually. [Tangent: Actually, that's not fair, I am selectively inappropriate. I generally know my audience, and luckily most people I matriculate with are also fairly unhinged and share my odd sense of humor, so I don't have to tone down very often. ] Pinpointing why I am so odd is not easy to do. But sometimes I will tell stories and the listener will just look at me and say, "That explains a lot."

Today on my break at work,  that exact scenario played out again. I was telling my friend Josh how when I was about 11, my hoppin' cool kid saturday nights were comprised of Baywatch, [Tangent: For some inexplicable reason, my sister and I thought this show was fantastic with riveting plotlines about ATV races and haunted cabanas. If I even heard the first few bars, I can still sing you the entire theme song and the closing credits, which were different as you should know.] Tales from The Crypt and SNL. He thought this odd TV for an 11 year old girl. However he knows I also watched a lot of other horribly traumatizing things at a young age due to the dangerous combo of siblings as babysitters and premium cable:
  • The Who's Tommy
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
  • A Clockwork Orange
But then I remembered a conversation I had the other day, that possibly more traumatizing than my premature introduction to Malcolm McDowell and ultra violence were things intended for children in the 80s and early 90s.

Example: Pee Wee's Big Adventure. That movie was fantastic when I was younger, but I tried to watch it a few years ago and it was hella creepy. I had completely forgotten how innocent childhood things can haunt your dreams as a grown up.
The large Marge scene is terrifying, no?
Let's be honest- this eeriness was true of all things Pee Wee. His playhouse was also filled with sinister marionettes and other things that make for irrational adult fears.
my childhood fantasy is now my worst nightmare.

And then there is the case of Garbage Pail Kids cards, which my sister and brothers and I used to hoard at the local general store. [Tangent: No, I did not step out of a Steinbeck novel. The nearest Stop & Shop was called The Concord General Store, therefore I speaking literally and not pretending as if I lived in ye olde times.] I remember my parents thinking the stickers were gross and a little inappropriate, but they were never ones to shelter us or deny us trading cards packaged with rock hard nasty bricks of bubble gum. My mom and dad were not big fans of the word, "fart" so I can imagine they may have taken issue with some of the characters.

see, it started out subtley disturbing...and then...

dear sweet lord...clifton hung himself with a helium balloon, and I am pretty sure Catie self mutilated herself with safety scissors 
 How was I not completely terrified by these things? [Tangent: Let's not even bring into this the live action Cabbage Patch Movie which 24-year- old Kimmie found completely unsettling when she caught it several years back on cable. Thank goodness my parents shielded me from that.] 
Egads! That's creepy as hell. Some things should not be live action.
What am I getting at? Ok. At the time that the Garbage Pail Kids were in their heyday, I was scared of ET, Harry and The Hendersons and 99% of Halloween masks, yet apparently a dismembered cherubic looking child flew under my fear radar. That explains a lot.


  1. the large marge part always really scared me when i was a kid. and that picture you posted actually startled me and i scrolled down really fast to get it off my screen. they are doing pee wee's playhouse as one of the midnight movies at the belcourt in august!!!!! i will have to hide my eyes for large marge.

  2. thanks for making sure i sleep with the lights on. for the rest of my life.

  3. My mom let me watch Terminator 2: Judgment day when I was 8 years old. More than burglars, of which I was so terrified that I slept with pillows all around me so I wouldn't get stabbed or shot too bad if they snuck up on me, I was afraid of a nuclear holocaust. Somehow, I was spared the joys of a post-cold war childhood.


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