Saturday, August 6, 2011

who is shawnee toots?

I wanna know her...you will, too!

About two weeks ago, my gingerry boyfriend and I were eating dinner together, and as per usual when we socialize, we periodically check our social media because we are just that lame. While going back and forth with tweets that made us giggle, he asked me, "Do you follow Shawnee Toots?" After shaking my head no, he took to reading me some of her ballsy, not always coherent  but always all caps tweets. I knew I had to start following her immediately.  Here are some examples of her brilliantly ridiculous tweets, which for some reason make me incontinent with laughter in minimal characters:

  • IF YOU WEARING SANDALS AND YOU AINT ON A BEACH YOU'RE EITHER A PEDOPHILE, A PRIEST OR MOST LIKELY BOTH
  •  KELLY OSBOURNE, NO ONE WANNA HEAR YOUR SHIT. YOU LOOK LIKE A RETARDED PANDA AND SOUND LIKE AN ASSHOLE
  • STOP WEARING SKATE PANTS AND BASEBALL CAPS ADAM SANDLER. YOU LOOK LIKE A RAPE HAPPY FRAT BOY DAD WHO INSISTS ON TAGGING ALONG WITH HIS KID
  • STOP CHASING RABBITS ELMER FUDD YOU BALD PEDERAST
  • I AIN'T MADE UP MY MIND IF I HATE ROB LOWE OR NOT YET. BUT I'M LEANING TOWARDS 'HE LOOKS LIKE A DATE RAPIST'
  • STOP SNARLING JOAQUIN PHOENIX, YOU LOOK STUPID
  • STOP BLOWING HOUSES DOWN YOU BIG GAY WOLF

I am not sure why I find these so funny, but they all have made me either snort liquid or immediately read it aloud to someone. I'm not sure its because I envision this stout sassy black woman yelling these things at me or because they are generally so randomly offensive. [Tangent: I have removed the many instances where she tells the subjects of scorn to eat a d#*k...but that does always make me chuckle].  

I obsessively have followed this woman since becoming introduced to her, and nearly daily I will text my boyfriend commentary about them getting especially excited when she returned from her vacation and exclaimed, "SHAWNEES BACK, BITCHES!". We have concluded that there is no Shawnee Toots. The whole personae (name, picture, tagline and all caps-ness) is much too perfect to exist naturally. It must be the contrived brainchild of some out of some comedian. Part of me wants to know who is the real wizard behind the curtain, but part of me knows I would only be disappointed.

2 comments:

  1. You need to go all TinEye on La Kwanda's photo and see what you can dig up! There are some other tools out there for finding a photo's original uploader / etc. but I can't find the link right now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR TWEETS AND YOUR BLOG, KIMMIE.

    ReplyDelete

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