Sunday, September 25, 2011

the rise of fall.

I love fall. It has my birthday and Halloween. Wearing a scarf is no longer regarded as purely fashionable, but functional. Autumnal colors look fantastic on me. Really, What's not to love?!?

Friday was the first day of fall and this weekend has definitely slapped me in the face with an awkward door scarecrow or giant decorative gourd (or some similar arbiter of harvesty goodness.) On Friday, the air was crispy and I had my mustard yellow plaid shirt on, but my heart was not in full fall mode. It was in- "eat reheated Cap'n D's and watch some Dateline NBC mode." Thankfully I was easily talked out of this sad existence and into going to a bonfire/fundraiser to go hear a fantastic band that my boyfriend has seen 4x in one week.

The lead vocalist looked every bit of Joaquin Phoenix channeling Johnny Cash, and the sounds of forks on washboard percussion lured me into an autumn state of mind. [Tangent: Or maybe that was more due to the big ass bonfire and the fact that my feet were frozen and my wheelchair was coated in hay. All those elements wreak of fall time fun.] Overall, it was a happy place to be. 

Also, I made a big step towards accepting that Fall is upon us, I made my first visit of 2011 to the big Orange Jack-O-Lantern  tent that is put up every year outside the mall. To me, its magic and prozac encased in one large pumpkin tarp; it always lightens the mood and makes me eight shades of happy. [Tangent: I am not sure what it says about me that racks of rubber mutilated fingers and weird creepy demon gingers with Dorothy Hamill haircuts makes me so happy...but they do...] I generally spend minimum of 2 hrs there, and never buy anything. I'm nothing if not consistent.
As we roamed around the racks of slutty pirates (there was a whole aisle for that niche) and odd masks, I began to feel increasingly bad for the models that had to don these costumes on the packaging. They were all so very awkward either because they were WAY too into it, or because they looked like they were silently cursing their day jobs. I decided to share with you some of my favorites in a thing I like to call...

Awesomely Awkward Halloween Spokes Models 2011
Fat and not at all convincing, yet very stereotypical Indian....wearing Doc Martin sandals.

I bet this guy will get lots of ladies on Halloween night...they will all be slutty pirates.

These were probably my favorite awkward child spokes models. The kid on the left just looks so disinterested with his shoe polish beard...

...whereas these kids (the woopie cushion and banana) respectively are REALLY sellin' it!

This was in the aisle of "douchebag" costumes with the snake charmer and mammogram. I feel like they could have at least given this model a not so obviously rubber ax. I mean....its floppy and it kind of distracts from the hose penis.

The slutty crayon? They seriously had 6 different color options including, oddly enough, Wisteria...but the real draw was the model, who clearly won the 1991 Star Search Spokes Model search. She is really selling that slutty crayon costume. [Tangent: Also, I doubt that tube dress fits comfortably sizes 4-16]
This was the most terrifying costume I saw...hands down.

I loved the whole rack of "instant" costumes mostly because they were all so damn awkward...but also because they all came with the customary bow tie...

...and come in adorably satanic child sizes.
I did however decide that my hypothetical future possible child will only wear costumes that center around a inanimate object because they are always adorable. Awkward in the best possible way...
I almost bought this for my dog...I loved it that much.


  1. That ketchup packet is damn cute.

  2. The Crayon Costumes are a classic! haha love that pink one! :D

  3. "Dorothy", indeed. It has to be an air-quotes Dorothy. Judy Garland would never make that devil-face.


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