Tuesday, September 13, 2011

tis the season for misogyny

 

I toss around the word "bitch" too casually and enjoy Katy Perry (on a non-ironic level), so it's safe to assume I am not a feminist in the purest sense of the word. However,  there is one time of year that brings out my inner Rosie the Riveter --Halloween.

It's not a secret that more and more every year [Tangent: I've even written about it before in this blog.], women all over the country are using this holiday to let their inner baby prostitute take over. Because my boots and scarves came out of storage last week, I thought it was safe to start checking out the costumes at Party City and Halloween Express. [Tangent: I never really buy pre-packaged costumes. I like to take the more difficult (and overall more expensive route) and piece them together myself, but I am always entertained by the whorey options available to those ladies game for flashing goodies when the midnight drunkiness sets in.] No one had prepared me that the arbitrary trampiness had ratcheted up ridiculous amounts since 2010.

Exhibit A: 
this seems wrong on so many levels.

Just take a few minutes sometime and skim through the "teen costumes" [Tangent: I put "teen costumes" in bold to further draw attention that the girls wearing these are NOT legal!] and I dare you not to go call Chris Hanson and perverted justice.
This costume is called "Major Trouble." Aptly name, I think.

I was not even sure what this costume was. Bunny Ranch hostess? Nope, wrong! Its a cupcake princess, of course. Note the tiny cupcake on her head.

Yes...its a sexy polar bear. Let's move on.

 I can't decide if the masterminds behind the following costumes were completely devoid of imagination or brilliantly creative. You decide. They all have basically taken a male character and to make it female appropriate by simply packaging it with a flirty mini and thigh highs. I am not sure some of these are even identifiable as their intended character anymore. 
Sexy Spongebob
 My only concern is that there is a corresponding Sexy Patrick starfish. I didn't google it because I feared it might exist.
Sexy Optimus Prime
Robots in disguise...as streetwalkers.

Sexy Clockwork Orange 
 I think this one is worrisome, especially if you have ever SEEN A Clockwork Orange. I imagine Kubrick is spinning in his grave.
Sexy Cookie Monster
 What man will see this woman out a bar and think, "Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about!"?
Sexy Jack Skellington
 This one I had to see the title to know what it was. If you didn't see the tiny Jack Skellington mini beret, you might just think it was a run of the mill ho bag.  How embarrassing!
Sexy Chucky Doll
 This one I actually thought was mildly adorable. Horrifying, but adorable.
Sexy Ninja Turtle
 When my sister was in middle school, she made a ninja turtle costume out of a garbage can lid and a green hooded sweatshirt. Next at any time did thigh high patent boots come into the equation.

Sexy Marvin the Martian
 When I saw this, all I could think of is that scene in the Oscar winning motion picture Clueless when Britney Murphy (RIP) is talking about drawing cartoons with Travis Birkenstock and she excitedly exclaimed, "I can do Marvin the Martian!" Whole. New. Context...and so can you...
Sexy Phantom of the Opera
Of course, disfigured hermit who lives in the shadows....lets tart that up!

OK, speaking of horribly disfigured... the winner (drum roll please...)
Sexy Leatherface
Of course, I'm no stranger to the Halloween tents, I'm familiar with sexy Freddy Kreugger and even sexy Jason Vorhees- but this character is devoid of any identifiers that would lead you to believe it is the villian from the classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In fact her face looks quite lovely, and decidedly unleathery. Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my chainsaw wielding psychopaths as they were intended. The old fashioned way - minus the hooker boots.

4 comments:

  1. My lord. This is the funniest and yet most disturbing post that I've read in a while! I'll give the sexy polar bear credit and just convince myself that it's a statement against global warming (because that's hawt) but as for the rest, not so much. And at least the Cookie Monster one is shown with more sensible shoes.

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  2. hahaha, i've seen a lot of those before (i too love to look at the costumes at party city even though i would never buy one) but leather face!!! oh geeze!

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  3. I want to look into the Patrick thing for you, but am afraid I will forget to delete my browser history and face repercussions.

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  4. LOL. I thumbed through the Party City flyer not long ago.
    Me: I'm going to be Sexy Strawberry Shortcake.
    Paul: No.

    When did they start feminizing male characters? I think that's strange.

    The worst costumes I've seen were Sexy Burt and Ernie, which a friend sent me! Terrible.

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