Saturday, November 19, 2011

twihard with a vengeance...meh



Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 29-years-awesome and spent it with a couple friends and family members. I ate pasta had some beverage and was home by 11:30. It was my idea of old lady heaven. For some odd twist of reason my birthday is always somehow intertwined with some pop culture phenomena [Tangent: Prior to my birth it was the first appearance of Mickey Mouse on screen in Steamboat Willy and the Jonestown Massacre in Guyana. I should absolutely have a Disney Kool-Aid party to commemorate all of the things.]. Since I joined the world in '82, the hits keep on coming:  In 2006, it was the union of TomKat and since then,  the twilight films have almost consistently been released on the anniversary of my birth. I would love to think that all this hysteria that the screaming vessels of estrogen wearing terrible shirts like these was somehow related to my birthday...

apparently affliction has a teen line. 

oh god.



but instead they are just getting all hot and bothered thinking of glitzy vamps and blood drinking and native American boys morphing into non-threatening CGI doggies.

Lets me clear, I am actually knowledgeable about the topic I am about to broach so I am fully prepared for the reign of hate from women of all age groups that is sure to descend upon my blog with the following statement: I am not so much a Twilight fan. I tried, valiantly. I like to read, so a few years ago I was urged to read these hot new Stephanie Meyer vampire books by my sister and my friend Amber, who are both middle school teachers. I held off for a while, but a bunch of girls in my office started reading them so I succumbed to the peer pressure. To my own surprise, I actually enjoyed the first one, and thought, "I would hate eaten this crap up during my angsty middle school flannel babydoll dress Alanis years."

However, after soldiering through 3 1/2 of the books [Tangent: Yes...I know there are only 4 books and would it really have been so difficult for me to just finish the series? YES. Those books are hella long and Bella is the most unlikeable female I have ever encountered in any area of my life (and I know A LOT of females). At some point her permaangst just made me want to punch a puppy!], I just couldn't buy into it. The only likeable character to me was that hot ethnic fellow , Jacob, but by book 3, he had become a whiny bitch. Edward was always super lurky to me and a little bit of an asshole [Tangent: I won't speak to you in public. Now I want to watch you sleep at night by sneaking into your room. Hot and cold, much?!?]. I could never fully grasp his appeal: A 107 year old man in a teenage body who can only hang out in dim lighting [Tangent: That just wreaks of Greek tradgedy and would make Freud's brain explode.] who is super pale and cold and hard [Tangent: Not like that.]. The only mildly interesting thing he does is glitter in the sunlight, which is more than a little gay. [NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!]
Who among us doesn't appreciate a Lost Boys reference
Because the books left me a little irritated after having such high hopes and devoting so much time to them, I have no desire to see their film adaptations. Thirty minutes of the original film are all that I have seen. Because I would rather waste my brain cells and girliness on episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Real Housewives, I have to rely on my friend Alex to fill me on what its like to go see these movies surrounded by teens in Bonnie Bell lip smackers and ironic Hot Topic shirts. She went Thursday night and reported that people camped out and dressed in Twilighty gear and at her theater, there was even a DJ that was like, "If you like vampires...let me hear you make some noise!" which is where the theater erupted into apeshit crazy squealing. [Tangent: What would one expect?] Although, I will admit that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are well cast in these films, I still find them super unlikeable.  I dare you not to find a press still where they look either strung out or homeless.

Did they sleepwalk to this premiere?

I swear I am not completely black hearted and devoid of romance- I just don't buy into it. I think it sends a weird message to young girls, like they should get married at 18 and move away from their support system and completely change their lifestyle (Spoiler alert: become a blood sucker!) in order to make love work. Love doesn't have to be hard or dramatic- it can be easy and fun. That's why if I had to make the difficult choice between team necrophilia or team beastiality, I would probably opt for celibacy or maybe join this team...

Anyway- Babysitters Club > Twilight.

2 comments:

  1. I can't imagine anyone else being able to handle the pop culture crazy birthday better than you.

    ReplyDelete

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