Tuesday, December 20, 2011

kia souls can suck it.

I try to remain fairly laid back and level headed, but sometimes things build and transpire in such a way that my 87 lb frame gets fueled with Hulk rage and my feel my green skin might just bust out of my purple jorts [Tangent: I never understood why the hulk wore purple pants. Where was he going with that look? If he was going to a theme night at a gay club, I am slightly less threatened by his rage, but maybe not...I know some scappy gay men.] Today was one of those days.

Its reached that time of year where ordering gifts online [aka the smart way to shop] is no longer an option, so the masses have lost their senses of right, wrong or intelligence to nab that last bath and body works gift set or travel coffee mug. I'm over it. [Tangent: This post is going to slightly contradict my fabulous guest blogger's post about the benefits of being a cripple at Christmas, but realize my day was the exception to the rule.] After sitting in dreary rain soaked traffic for 30 minutes to go less than two miles, I arrived at Target before 4 pm on a weekday hoping to make a return, find an item for a gift and get home so I could feed my hungry belly and regain my sanity before the 5 pm traffic shit storm befell my fair city.

Unfortunately, my plan was foiled by a Kia Soul made more obnoxious because it was festooned with reindeer antlers [Tangent: Prior to the following experience I have seen nothing wrong with the car antlers, lumping them together with vanity plates and suction cup Garfields as things that are not for everybody. However,  this Kia Soul has now ruined the festive window decor for the lot of you. Thanks, ass!] After not finding the items I needed in the Target, I left frustrated only to find the following parking scenario: The Kia Soul had created a parking space for itself with the leftover room in my handicapped space. [Tangent: I park very judiciously and kiss the curb with my wheels every time to allow ample room to let my ramp down and get out of my vehicle. This economic parking job is not to allow lazy people to shove their mini SUVs into my leftover space to avoid circling the lot. The vehicle was wedged in so tightly, I can only assume he exited his car via sunroof.] This, of course, made it impossible to get back inside my vehicle, until he moved.
I had to draw a diagram because my phone was dying and I was unable to photograph it.
I was all alone, so of course I went a bit ape shit and looked more than mildly insane. Every ounce of my being wanted to find that Kia Soul driver and pull his spinal cord out of his body like a character on Mortal Kombat, ensuring that he would then need a wheelchair and understand my plight. Knowing that the owner of the asshole Kia Soul was slightly thoughtless, so likely had a lot of last minute shopping to do and would probably be Targeting for an indeterminate amount of time- I decided to go to the authorities, aka guest services.

The 19- year-old guest services associate that I discussed my issue with got very heated on my behalf, threatening to call the cops on them, and then confided in me that sometimes she uses the handicapped bathroom stall. [Tangent: Oddly enough, she is not the first to confess this with a look of guilt. I am OK with it. If you gotta go, you gotta go. Just don't use it as your "poop stall" because it has more leg room. I find that offensive.] Apparently this was the highlight of her day, because she seemed hell bent on helping me. After expressing her rage, she got on the overhead paging system to ask the Kia Soul driving bastard bastard to move their car, but it was to no avail. I waited by the door nervously eating my Reese's minis and cursing my phone for running outta batteries. [Tangent: I had some heated Words With Friends games in progress that would surely take my mind off my exasperation and my rumbling tummy.]

I then saw the lights flash on in the rogue Kia Soul, meaning vengeance was about to rain down. [Tangent: I didn't even see the guy go back outside to his car, so I didn't see how he was able to squeeze back in. I can only assume he traveled like Alex Mac used to.] Almost running over several small screaming children with my wheelchair, I bolted back out to my vehicle, so the driver could see me by my van and catch the wrath of my stink eye [Tangent: Yeah...I know...a stink eye is the best I can do. I am a lady.]. As he backed out of his my space, I lowered my van ramp and stared down his rudolph nosed front fender so he could adequately feel like a jerk for the rest of the day. Not cool, Kia Soul. Not cool.


  1. Dude, I'd have asked Guest Services to have the Kia Soul bastard driver's POS car towed. I don't blame your rage, either. I'd be pissed off, too.

  2. Bless your heart! What an arrogant idiot! That's when its tempting to leave him a message about his parking with your key in the side of hid door .

  3. what a jerk. you should have ripped off one of the antlers.


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