Sunday, October 30, 2011

audio ninjas


I have a lot of nonsense on my ipod...I'll admit it. It's like playing Russian roulette when you hit the shuffle button. I'll be sitting in my office, doing the white girl stationary shuffle, listening to artists deemed "credible" and "talented" then WHAMMO! I'll be completely blind sighted by the Growing Pains theme song, [Tangent: Yes, I own it...jealous?] or some other song that I am not so proud to have living in my Itunes.

My usual inclination is to immediately skip that song and move on to the next possibly horrifying or amazing song, but occasionally the songs earwig into me and I will be 2 min and 32 seconds in before I realize I am listening to One Night in Bangkok off the Chess soundtrack. [Tangent: yeah...that's bleak. "Bangkok! Oriental city!" Why do I have this song??] I call these songs audio ninjas. They are very stealth and make you start head bobbing until you realize what it is you are listening to [Tangent: This is not to be confused with a guilty pleasure song like Party in the USA...those songs are slightly more understandable. I am talking about the songs you have been meaning to scrape from your itunes for months, because it was clearly a mistake, a nostalgic goof or drunken download in the first place.]

My biggest audio ninjas:

Invisible by Clay Aiken [Tangent: I downloaded this horribly creepy tune to dominate my friend Turin in a bad song mix tape battle. I blame those battles for a great deal of the bad music in my collection...but not all of it. I must take full credit for New Kids on the Block's Greatest Hits album.]

Mr Roboto by Styx [Tangent: This song is like 6 minutes long, and I generally get 4 minutes in before I rip out my ear buds and question my existence.]


Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse [Tangent: It's hypnotic and I have no idea why...watch below to fall into the aquanetted man jewelry vortex.]



The entire Neil Diamond Christmas album
[Tangent: Hearing the Jewish Elvis throw down to some little drummer boy must really mesmerize me because I repeatedly get bewitched by Mr. Diamond. I blame my friend Josh for emailing me all these tracks to combat my Christmas blues last year. Its the gift that keeps on giving.]


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

embry-ish

Today, despite hearing from various meteorologists that Middle Tennessee is undergoing glorious weather, I have remained indoors feeling like a hot sack of wet garbage, if that wet garbage had a really scratchy sore throat and hurty lungs.[Tangent: yes...hurty.] While drinking my weight in Sonic milkshakes, I decided to take comfort in one of my favorite Oscar contenders, Can't Hardly Wait.

I have loved this movie since seeing it in theaters in 1998 at the now non-existent Cool Springs 10 movie theater. [Tangent: But only today did I realize that Jason Segal is the actor playing the stoner who says, "He has hair and wears t-shirts sometimes." This revelation seriously made my week. Obviously, I am easy to thrill.] From the fact that Amanda quotes Jewel's "I'm Sensitive" in her yearbook to Kenny's Jnco jeans- everything about this film reminds me, and potentially everyone else in my age bracket, of the late 90s high school experience. Upon seeing it again, I was reminded of my deep crush on one Mr. Ethan Embry [Tangent: I remember being a little girl and being totally smitten from the moment he came on the screen in Dutch and then lusting after oddball Mark instead of moody AJ when I repeatedly watched Empire Records. I realize I am pushing 30, and the word "crush" being used by someone above legal drinking age is obnoxious- but it is what it is.]

a butt-cut and glasses!?!? swoon.

Not long ago, my boyfriend told me that people used to tell him that there were things about him that were very Embry-ish. I nodded along, but kinda thought it was like when an acquaintance told me 10 years ago that I was "exotic"- it was something I wanted to believe so it stuck with me longer than when people tell me that my voice in "unpleasant" or my skin is "pasty".  However, after watching Can't Hardly Wait with fresh eyes, I have assessed that my boyfriend IS Ethan Embry's character- the sometimes awkward yet adorable quirky ginger who is sometimes overlooked due to most young ladies' inclination to chase ass holes instead of the nice guy right in front of them. He even dresses like him...

my gent would wear this...and probably has.
I would like to thank Mr. Embry for inadvertently causing me to date my boyfriend. Thirteen years ago, he set the standard for me of what was desirable in a mate. Anyway- I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to gush about my boyfriend [Tangent: Even though he's worthy.], but I had to do it this once, as a public service to encourage all ladies to not overlook that nice guy who "has hair is kinda tall and wears t-shirts sometimes."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

ghost catchers?

this is upsetting to me.

Confession: I totally believe in ghosts...like a lot...like I have seen a couple [Tangent: I see you slowly backing away and judging me. Judge all you want. I have the undead on my side. You can't compete with that.] or at least felt completely creeped out in their presence. Fret not,  I don't have lengthy chats with them like Haley Joel Osment and I don't seek them out [Tangent: I can't help it if they like me.]...until now.

This weekend, my sister, who is more of a paranormal enthusiast than I am (possibly due to her crush on one of the guys on Ghost Hunters) [Tangent: It's weird that my sister loves ghost stories so much, because oddly enough, she almost didn't go see Pirates of The Caribbean because she feared it looked too scary.] was in town so I decided to do something I have wanted to do for years and take her and my ginger on a Nashville Ghost Tour. I didn't know what to expect other than a walk around downtown with some guy in period clothing and a lantern and learn about the freaky stuff that's happened in these hallowed streets. [Tangent: Let it be known that maybe a Saturday night wasn't the best day to take the tour given there were a few distractions. The Preds game was letting out and there was the the smattering of people still ardently (or at least recreationally) "occupying" Nashville. Also, eat beforehand...we got super hungry and began to wish there was a haunting at the Subway sandwich shop or that the hot dog cart was bewitched.]
this exists on the internet, btw.
It was fun, and our fearless leader, despite appearing to be 17, really seemed to know his shit. Some of the stories, like the one involving the architect being buried in the columns of the state capital, were familiar do to thrice taking Tennessee history...but some were new, like the one about the old Rainbow Room owner, Skull Schullman haunting Printer's Alley after his murder. [Tangent: Little known/seemingly unsurpising fact: Printer's Alley was once a red light district. For some reason several people brought small children on this tour...and I hope that led to a lot of questions. Kids have to learn about the sex trade at some juncture.] The tour guide told us you can still smell his stetson cologne sometimes, which Kelly and boyfriend said they smelled. [Tangent: To be fair, we were in Printer's Alley and it could have been a patron of The Brass Stables stumbling out after nude karaeoke.] My sister, being that she is a burgeoning TAPS member, wanted to take pictures and dissect them later with my phone. Most photos were less than thrilling and looked not dissimilar from those I took when my 4th grade class took a walking tour of Nashville....but one once the doorway of Skull Schullman's old club proved interesting once I blew it up.
do you see it?? If you stare at it like a Magic Eye, it literally looks like a ghost...and not an apparition, it looks like this...
Ok, I could be totally blowing it out of proportion, but it was the closest to a supernatural encounter we had all night...other than a tranny in jorts and a Predators jersey.

P.S. One more thing...you need this in your life:

Friday, October 14, 2011

baby! baby!


I have a tinge of baby fever [Tangent: Cool your jets and let me finish my sentence] not because I want one of my own at this moment but because within the next month and a half, I WILL HAVE A NIECE! [Tangent: I know...I know...I haven't blogged about this yet. It's been hard, but I think my brother and lovely SIL were trying to keep it on the hush until she got good and cooked to optimum cuteness.] I am semi in love with this yet-to-be named child, but I can assure you she will be gorgeous! How do I know...
she's smiling!

Previous to receiving the above picture message last week, I thought 3D ultrasounds were terribly creepy. Most I had seen plastered on Facebook or thrust into my hand by an expectant parent always seemed a bit alienish and had a Sci-Fi air about it...but now I am a fan. I am excited to see what she will look like.  My brother is very all American [Tangent: blonde hair...blue eyes...super Aryan] and his wife is all gorgeous and exotic, so this kid is gonna be genetically superior to any and all of her peers. I imagine she will be the female equivalent to Mason Disick [Tangent: If that name doesn't immediately ring a bell, you are not as big a tool as I am. Mason is Kortney Kardashian's son who is half Armenian and half Anglo...like my sweet niece will be. It's a pretty winning combo!]
so much cute...just ignore kim. barf.
So in closing, I believe Amy Grant can best some up my mood about this my first niece! It was also my favorite song in 3rd grade...thank heavens my taste has improved. [Tangent: Who am I kidding...it hasn't. I have a John Denver album.]


Monday, October 10, 2011

triumphant cripple, inc.

I rarely go to movies anymore...partially because I was spoiled by a decade of getting in free, and now I have to pay. I'm cheap by nature, so this paying for movies doesn't quite jive with my lifestyle choice. Ce la vie. However, I have plans to take my faux niece, Charlie, to go see Dolphin Tail in the near future...because its the story of a differently abled sea creature, and as this sweet 7 year old has mentioned, "The dolphin plays himself." [Tangent: Thank God... It would have been an asshole move to amputate a dolphin's appendage for the sake of realistic film making.] Also Morgan Freeman, who I believe to be a deity, is involved and I buy whatever he is selling, even if it were meth or palazzo pants. [Tangent: Both equal in criminality.]

This is not a rarity that I see movies like this, even if they are potentially terrible and/or aimed at the Kirk Cameron set. Setting my street cred aside for a moment [Tangent: I don't have much.], I will say "I love a triumphant cripple movie!" [Tangent: ...Nearly as much as I enjoy a racially charged inspirational sports film.]

Triumphant Cripple Movie /noun/: Any movie where the protagonist is some kind of disabled badass.

Movies that fall into this category:

 Mac and Me

Finding Nemo
see...he was gimpy. 
Murderball

The Bone Collector
a quadriplegic that kills a murderer...by biting him. you're welcome.

My Left Foot
love this film!
...and despite hating this movie with every inch of my soul, i gotta give it up for giving us crippled folk an action figure. Small victory for a terrible movie. 
Avatar
probably not as fun to play with as GI Joe...but he has a good personality.

Friday, October 7, 2011

flori-douche

come on...that's funny.
This past weekend, I finally checked the last thing off the checklist to ensure that my Southern card would not be completely revoked- I went to Florida. [Tangent: I know...I know- finding a Tennessean who has never been to Florida is like finding a tolerable Vin Diesel movie. It's hard. Florida is where we as a people tend to migrate once a year. To be clear, I have been to several beaches before (Hawaii, California, NC) but just never Florida. I was never really a "Woo Hoo! SPRING BREAK!!!" kinda gal and my family always went to North Carolina for childhood vacays. Weird, right? I'm a martian to most of my peers.] Overall, I loved the state, the beaches were gorgeous, water was crystalline and the skies were cloudless. Even the overly friendly jellies on the beach couldn't spoil our fun. [Tangent: ...and I know what you are thinking. Yes, someone got stung...and Yes, she got peed on to remedy the skin irritation. Yes, it worked.]
it looks a little unsettling, as a pile of jellyfish should.
 The impetus for the trip was to celebrate my best friend's last month of singleness before her upcoming wedding- so we did all the obvious natural bachelorette activities, which included going "clubbin'" [Tangent: Let's be real. I am not a clubber. I don't dance in the normal grinding/feelin' on ya booty kinda manner. I hate the loud music because I can't hear anyone and vice versa, but sometimes it's a good novelty thing to do...mostly because people watching is my favorite.] Because it's not really my scene, the only times I really get to experience the full boomin' axe body spray scented glory of a club is when I am at a bachelorette party or a birthday or something else where ladies wanna dance and get free drinks. We didn't just pick any run of the mill club, we opted instead for 3 stories of beach side bow chicka bow wow in the form of AJ's Oyster Bar in Destin. [Tangent: They had a live band whose repertoire consisted of C&C Music Factory and an overly uptempo version of that 3 Doors Down song...you know...that one.]  
lots of room for people watching
yes...that's a ramp to a flight of stairs...totally logical.
 I am aware douchebags walk among us daily, no matter our geographical standing, but the Flori-douche is an odd breed of gentleman. He does things like walks by a lady and sticks his finger in her derriere [Tangent: I'm sure many a serious longterm relationship has begun with that move.] or pretends to be on his nextel phone having a phoney conversation while he basically stands 1 cm from your table, whilst obviously looking for a way to foist his way into your conversation [Tangent: Maybe he should have called Time and Temperature or MovieFone like a normal weirdo instead of simply pulling up his call log.] I know douchebags exist in Nashville, I run into them daily but they are not nearly as ballsy as the Flori-douche. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

obama and me: bff?


I try not to use this blog to air my political beliefs, because frankly I would rather ramble on for paragraphs about Saved By The Bell episodes, but I had to share this ridiculous occurance that happens weekly in my gmail inbox...and it all happened because in 2008, I really wanted the following t-shirt:[Tangent: Please understand I friggin' love tshirts and have tons that I will likely never wear because my life is pretty business casual!]
see...pretty sweet shirt and riles up the Cracker Barrell clientele

To get this lovely blouse, all I had to do was sign 85% of my daily email intake over to MoveOn.org, which seemed like a barter I was willing to make 3 years ago. [Tangent: As stated before, whoring myself out for free merch is not a new thing. When I was younger, I really wanted some free dog tags, so I sent away for more information from an ad for the US Marines on TV. After saying "no thanks" to the  recruiter who religiously called me for the 4 months following, I finally explained that I was not what they had in mind when they said "the few, the proud." Combat zones are generally not ADA compliant. I never wore the dog tags.] After years of ignoring the SPAM I am sent from them, I have started embracing it because they make it seem so personal. 

It can't help but catch me off guard when I get emails like these: 





These emails are not really a thorn in my side... instead they make me smile everytime. Even though I know that they are not actually the ones hitting the send button, I like to think B. Rock is disappointed that I never showed up or that Michelle is sending me adorable videos like this.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

a.r.e. you familiar?

one of my happy places.
Usually I use this blog to draw attention to pertinent issues like how cool it would be to have a bathroom/office...but today I thought I would talk about something that is actually very important to me...and something I just realized I have NEVER discussed in this forum. [Tangent: It boggles the mind that I have thrice addressed the absurdity of woman's Halloween costume options, yet have never delved into a topic that is close to my heart...I think that's just the Kimmie way.]

About a month ago, I took a day off of work and spent a long weekend tie-dying and pontoon boating and getting mosquito bitten at summer camp. To be completely trite- it was fantastic.  The weekend camp was a trial run for a We A.R.E family Summer Camp helmed by the new nonprofit Alliance for Recreation Empowerment or A.R.E. The other unique thing is that all campers have some varying level of physical or mental disability, and each of the children or young adults is partnered with one or more personal counselor to help with everything they need.  I have grown up with the masterminds behind this nonprofit, and am really excited that these same sweet people are getting a chance to gain full control over giving kids the best week of their lives.




Sometimes its easy for kids with disabilities to live in a plastic bubble, but A.R.E. will throw those same kid glove treated kids onto a boat for the first time, and treat them like people first. Those indoorsy kids get a taste of being outside and getting dirty in the summertime...like most kids do. It also gives them a sense of comraderie and a family, who offer support the other 51 weeks out of the year as well.

...and if you haven't seen this precursor to bubbleboy...it's both inadvertently hilarious and heart-wrenching in its dramatic '70s glory.
Despite being 100% volunteer for the staff, including medical staff, [Tangent: Did I mention these people are quite possibly the most amazing people you will encounter?] costs are still incurred by renting the fully accessible campsite, food and other necessities to make the week run flawlessly. This weekend they are having their first big fundraiser so I wanted to let you all know the details.


Cruise for Camp

October 8, 2011

Registration begins at 10:30am

The Route:

  • Barefoot Charlie's, Hendersonville
  • Southside Bar and Grill, Gallatin
  • Shady Cove Marina, Castalian Springs
  • Coach's Eastgate Grill, Lebanon
  • Anchor High Grill, Hendersonville

The Details:

  • $20 per hand, $10 per additional hand
  • 50/50 split at each stop
  • Live Entertainment and raffle at the last stop (Anchor High)
  • Registration begins at 10:30am at Barefoot Charlie's
  • First bike out at 12:00 pm (noon)
  • For more information, call Ron at (615)766-7185
  • Rain-out date: October 9, 2011


I encourage everyone to get involved and give some money, time or donated items to this organization. It's a good one and I don't lie.

For More information on A.R.E summer camp visit www.thecamproject.org or email are2011family@gmail.com
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