Sunday, January 8, 2012

flame on.

Disclaimer: I am a foul human being who sometimes gets a kick out of really odd things. [Tangent: This should not be should be common knowledge.] However, if you are not a foul person or have a weak gag reflex, maybe this particular blog, won't be your thing. Possibly should go check this out instead. It's decidedly more pleasant.

On Friday, I went by my boss's office to tell her to have a nice weekend [Tangent: Not because I'm an asskisser, but because I actually really like my boss...and I'm not just saying this because she reads my blogs.] As I was rolling out, she reached in her drawer and said, "oh, I know you said you wanted to try these and I've been meaning to bring them to you for weeks." My eyes lit up like a Lite Brite, Diane had brought me homemade ear candles.

The term "excited" was definitely an understatement. [Tangent: Previously, I had assumed the only way to attain these magical ear candles was to build a time machine, go back to the age of 8 when I was at my peak of adorability and exploit my disability to obtain some make-a-wish ear candling (maybe from Jonathan Knight of the NKOTB)...either that or maybe get in my car and drive to Whole Foods. Both of those seemed like a lot of work.] The delightfully disgusting process is something I have wanted to try since I learned of their existence [Tangent: I even wrote about the aspiration here.].

After spending all day yesterday at the hospital with my dad, who is recovering from a big surgery, I noticed my sinuses and ears were aching like crazy- I knew the time was nigh to relax, spark up some ear candles and get to draining out that goo. Step one: Do some interweb research so I can be educated in the procedure.

After consulting some "word is bond" sites like wikipedia, I learned the whole process and its validity is a bit in question. Some think it does more harm than good, while others swear by it. I also learned the correct means for insertion (tee-hee) and removal by this youtube tutorial, which may be one of he most unintentionally funny things I have ever seen. [Tangent: As my mom said, "Well, hell, I know how to fill a bowl with water.]

The ridiculous video above also led me  to this terribly disgusting gem which is made amazing by the youtuber's choice of musical accompaniment. Really?!??! Plain White Tees? [Tangent: to view it, click here. I would have embedded it into the blog, but didn't want to expose everyone to the suggested videos like "world's largest zit" Truly, don't click through if you have eaten anything combustible today. K? Thanks.]

After getting stoked up and ready to flame, my ear candler/mother/registered nurse and I assembled the needed items: a bowl of water, the ear candles, scissors, a coffee filter (because we were out of paper plates. womp. womp.), am industrial grade grill lighter, some garlic/goldenseed oil  and a towel. I was ready and feeling flame retardant.

I recruited my brother, who was on the other couch words with friends-ing to photo document. This is the before.

This flame was much more intense than the one on the video...likely because these were "homemade"

at this point, my face started getting hot and I decided I wanted to hang to keep my eyebrows.

All the while this living room freak show was taking place, the garlic oil dropped in my ear was crackling and warming and feeling just delightful [Tangent: As well as filling my nostrils with the deceiving aroma of Texas toast.] I'm not sure that I was cured, but I will say that my ears felt soothed afterward and I got a bunch of ick stuff out [Tangent: To me, that was the most exciting part of the whole shindig. It was like Puppy Surprise! How much wax was their inside?]

That's a lot of gross! To be fair, and to make me seem like less of a disgusting human specimen, most web sites revealed that a lot of the residue collected is, in fact, melted paraffin, and not earwax. However, it is my deplorable hope that at least a little of that funk found inside the cone has been there for decades, and now I am free of it. I am healed. I will celebrate through song/interpretive dance:


  1. hahah awesome. and good thing you didn't drive to whole foods because we don't carry them.

  2. Kimmie! You ARE HILARIOUS! I haven't laughed that hard in a while thank you :) ANd I am TOTALLY going to get my ear wax on! I mean out ;)
    Liz Petree

  3. Regardless of the actual substance you discovered in those candles, the fact that there is a possibility that it was indeed ear wax, is disgustingly awesome!


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