Saturday, February 11, 2012


If you've hung out with me for more than 15 minutes (or read this blog regularly)- you are well acquainted with Gertrude or Gert, my inner fat girl. Maybe you met her when you walked into my cubicle at 9:15 AM only to find me aggressively shoving into my mouth dark chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups, which I purchased in bulk at the Nashville Flea Market. [Tangent: Could that tale get anymore sad points? Well, maybe it would if I told you that discount snack products and fried pies are my key motivators to go to aforementioned flea market. Yeah, that admission just earned me a lifetime supply of sadness.] Sorry fellas, this girls taken. 

Thankfully my boyfriend's inner fatty is very corpulently compatible with Gert. They're kinda like greasy soul mates. This could not be more evident than the the look of giddy excitement that we both shared today while dining at Noodles & Company. After placing our order and and going to fill up our fountain beverage with I assumed would be my standard sweet tea, we literarally stopped and silent screamed at each other. It was as if we were theater kids seeing Glee live in 3-D for the first time. What lay within an arm's length was something that we had discussed many times in length but had never come upon in real life. It was the mythological Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. 

I seriously just peed my pants a little just thinking about it.

If you are unfamiliar with this entity, just collect yourself because the concept will blow your mind. The whole supercomputer dispenser operates via touchscreen. [Tangent: Apparently, I’m so backwoods that whenever I use a touch screen I feel like Judy Jetson. Either that or Cher Horowitz at the beginning of “Clueless” when she is picking out amazingly thigh-highed ensembles. A similar feeling of “Gee willikers! That’s nifty!” happens when I use a Red Box, even though I use them all the time. Moral of the story: I am easily amused.] Say you want a Sprite or a Coke...why stop there when you could have an Orange Sprite or a Grape Coke? Its a little like having a Sonic car hop in metal robo touchscreen form. Who doesn’t want that?

If it wasn’t a bustling Friday night, I am positive that we would have sat there all evening sampling different concoctions like we were little kids making suicides [Tangent: Ahhh...the “suicide”...that’s a beverage I haven’t imbibed in probably almost 20 years. I guess you reach puberty and lose your taste for Dr. Pepper mixed with Orange Slice mixed with Mellow Yellow mixed with Sprite. Furthermore, as an adult- it somewhat concerns me that I equated suicide with a strange soda concoction.] Instead, we quickly picked and kept the line moving. I had been craving Cherry Dr. Pepper, boring I know. Jamie went Raspberry Coke.

Apparently, I am not alone in thinking this machine was groundbreaking- because when I did a youtube search for "Coke Freestyle"- I got 6,140 results. Here's one that shows how to hack the excited to do this!

After reaching our table, we both wished that Noodles and Company was like a brewery or distillery and offered shotglass samples of all the 120 soda options- then these difficult choices would not have to be made. I also assessed that Coca-Cola is really missing the boat in not mass producing Raspberry Coke. It was oddly refreshing, so much so that I regretted my small stomach capacity in not being able to get my own glass and wished I had an empty 2 liter in my car, so I could be trashy x 10 and take some to go. Please Coke, take action and start selling that by the 12 pack!

If fat kid heaven exists, I imagine that St. Peter mans the Coke Freestyle Machine. [Tangent: If my misguided semi-catholicism has taught me anything...its that he's the patron saint of soft drinks.]


  1. There has GOT to be a fat kid heaven or else I'm livin' right for no good reason! And someone who never goes out into public much, I had no idea. That's pretty awesome! And yes, suicides...heavy on the Mountain Dew back in the day.

  2. i have never even heard about those machines! amazing!!
    i always loved making suicides. once i added in nestea raspberry and it made it AWFUL


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