Friday, February 24, 2012

smug in an elevator


God bless El Nino or climate change or whatever made it 70 degrees in February yesterday. [Tangent: I am a meteorological savant. I have Weatherbug on my computer.] This very weather phenomona is one I will be damning come August when my I am sweating from my teeth to my unmentionables. Because it was perfection outside- towards the end of my work day, a lap around my office building was needed to remind me what natural light looked like. It is criminal to be hunched over a keyboard spastically typing medical codes when the sun is shining so brightly. [Tangent: I realize that previous comment just came off hella Rainbow Brite. My sincerest apologies!]
she doesn't look a bit sorry about it.
After my loop around soaking up some natural vitamin D, I re-entered the glass doors of my office building feeling ready to knock out that last hour of medical billing. Hell, I even had a smile on my face. WEIRD!  However, that grin quickly faded to a frustrated grimace [Tangent: Nope...not like that one.] with one statement from a middle aged elevator patron with a scrunchy and a pack of Salem cigarettes in hand.

As I entered the elevator to take me upstairs, I carefully turned around despite my ample space to swipe my badge and hit the proper floor. The woman, who I had never encountered before said, "oh no, watch my foot!" in an alarmed joking manner as I turned about 2.5 feet from her Easy Spirits. Suddenly my sunshine buzz was killed and this woman looked pleased as punch at her unwitnessed cleverness. 

Elevators are awkward places, you feel the need to acknowledge your fellow rider, but not get overly invested as the ride is usually roughly 30 seconds. I don't need to know about their lives...hell we don't even need to talk, but just don't be a dick. [Tangent: That just made me remember the story my friend PJ told me about the time he got on the elevators in our building and there was just a guy in there with a chainsaw. His story may be my favorite awkward elevator moment because how do you address that...do you address it?] Safe and common topics to stick to in an office elevator:
  • The current weather
  • How much Mondays suck
  • How excited you are for the weekend
  • Weather forecasts- if its supposed to rain the coming weekend
  • Wardrobe compliments
  • How you're running late
This brief confinement is not the time to insult a stranger's driving skills. My distaste for her comment seems nitpicky and something most people would put in the small talk category, but if you have heard it day in and day out since the day you got into a wheelchair- the novelty quickly wears off. No...I am nowhere near your foot and No, you are not original. I drive a giant robot automotive everyday and have an untarnished driving record, I'm pretty sure I can navigate the hallways of an office. My urge to punch people in the face when I hear such unwarranted comments [Tangent: This is not to say that sometimes I don't totally almost run people over...if that's the case - CALL ME OUT!]  is only hindered because my reach is not great and I would likely just clobber them in the boob or crotchal [Tangent: Yes, crotchal.] regions.


In the meantime, I need to get back my sunshine high that was stolen yesterday courtesy of a song that is used in every movie montage ever:

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