Monday, February 20, 2012

what's new, barbie?

In my Zombie Barbie post last week, I came clean about my secret Barbie collection, [Tangent: Which is pretty much stagnant and has not been added to in 10 years, but is in existence nonetheless. ] so I decided to further purchase my ticket to sad town by admitting another secret- I still like to roam the Target Barbie aisle, with no intention to buy...just more or less to visit. [Tangent: Why do I feel sometimes that this blog is saving me butt loads on therapy bills. I don't know how it always happens...I just kind of wander over, like a moth to a hot pink flame. It's not even a pleasant visit, especially when  I learn that dolls that I played with in my childhood are being re-released as vintage replicas. That makes me feel super old. Come on 1985 wasn't that long ago! ]

[Confession: Sometimes, I even strategically pick angels of the Angel trees that are female in the 5-11 range that request a Barbie doll on their holiday wishlist...just so I have an excuse to purchase one. I am such an asshole.]

Is it so wrong that sometimes I just like to know what's new with Barbie? I used to be so informed; we used to be friends.  When I was little, as with most young girls-I had my favorites. California Midge and Roller Blade Barbie were clearly the most popular girls in my Barbie town. The latter had a sweet white pleather belly top/short combo and badass light up roller blades. After figuring that the skates, which had a sparking mechanism similar to a Bic lighter could possibly catch things aflame, my sister and I sprayed a bunch of Barbie clothes with hairspray and rolled the skates over them repeatedly trying to set a mini fire. Watching too much People's Court as children had made us positive that some sweet lawsuit money was in our future. We also probably should have been better supervised in our playtime, but I am almost certain that our burgeoning arson careers were assisted by our mother. Midge also fell by the wayside after my sister cut all her hair off under the false pretense that it would grow back curly. I still hold I slight grudge about it.
this may be where the ginger obsession began.
These broads were always being fictitiously fought over by the two Ken dolls we owned. These two genital-less lads had a good ratio to the 30+ girl dolls we owned, yet were always outfitted in swim trunks or were crossdressing in a party dress, given the shoddy state of readily available Ken menswear [Tangent: Kenswear?]. Because of this...I decided to check in with my old pal Ken. What was he up to lately...

Speechless. Completely speechless...especially by the Twilight Ken that my boyfriend kept calling "Nick Cage Barbie." Apparently all that cross-dressing in the late 80s was a sign of things to come. With the addition of luxurious combable hair- the revamped Kens come off more than a little gay....not that there's anything wrong with that. The world is totally ready for an out fashion doll. It's 2012 people- time to stop selling him as Barbie's love! 

It even looks like a fraud...look at their uncomfortable hand holding.
I have come to realize that in Barbie world, every Barbie is in an unsatisfying marriage. As a consolation, they don't have to wear regulation uniforms in their blue collar careers.

that firefighting mini-dress is likely not fire-retardant.


  1. My Barbies always married my brothers GI Joe's...probably a sign of things to come in my life. Lol

  2. Love this! Luckily I have a little sister who I can play Barbies with at 25 and not look like a weirdo. Her latest Barbie has pink hair and back tattoos. I have to send you a pic of her. Barbie's so punk rock.


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