facing my childhood trauma...with pizza

As a child, I was a bit of a puss...scared of anything and everything that had the least amount of creepiness to it. As my mom has informed me, if it was ugly and not festooned with puppies and glitter and strawberries- I didn't want to even look at it. [Tangent: That girl has grown into the woman addicted to a show on the SyFy network about special effects monster makeup. Go figure.]  The characters of Showbiz Pizza definitely fell under this umbrella of things that made me scream like I was a victim of stranger danger. I mean can you blame me...



I remember distinctly being at my brother's birthday, likely circa 1988, and burying my head in my mother's sweater for the entirety of the party to avoid watching the permagrinning anthropromorphic robot band, the Rockafire Explosion, on stage. At one point, I distinctly remember "Man in the Mirror" coming through the mouth of some wolflike puppetman, so momentarily perking up thinking maybe everything would be OK...only this is what the spotlight began shining on...

let me introduce you to Fats Geronimo...the source of many a nightmare

As soon as his eerie eyes flashed open mid chorus, I was gone. I was hysterically crying in minutes. At this time, a likely disgruntled employee in the Billy Bob costume lumbered out to make nice with the kiddies and offer hugs. He saw me crying, and clearly thought I needed a hug. BACK OFF, JUGBAND BEAR!

Billy Bob clearly has a knife to their backs.

 My mom saw my sheer terror [Tangent: And was likely incredibly embarrassed that her young daughter was such a tremendous pain in the ass.] and took me to an empty bathroom stall for the remainder of the party, a place where we could be safe from smiling woodland creatures who seemed to be suppressing a lot of murderous rage.

Fast forward about 20 years, I get an excited text from my gingerry gentleman friend telling me that the Rockafire Explosion Movie is up on Netflix. [Tangent: Like many things that traumatized me as a child, I have had come to embrace them as an adult. It's my penance for underappreciating them at their height by watching them through clenched fingers. I would never say I am obsessed, at all...but I do get a big kick out of things like this.] I don't care if you are performing a heart transplant at this very moment, I implore you to drop your scalpel and add this to your netflix queue NOW.



Sure the characters are a little rapey, and not even the animatronics [Tangent: Although I can easily picture Dook Larue hanging out in a windowless van]...I am talking about the 31 year old part time skate center DJ who has spent his life on a custom Rockafire Setup to showcase in his backyard shed  [Tangent: Yes, the guy walking in the Billy Bob suit at the beginning of the above trailer is a mere 2 years older than me. Yikes. Mountain Dew should really sue him for endorsing their brand so much in the movie as being "the only liquid i drink." He has nary a tooth in his noggin.] and the inventor of the the robo-band who looks like he would make a fantastic Star Search magician [Tangent: Even though he would likely only earn 2 and quarter stars.].

I don't want to give too much away, because I feel it is must watch programming...it may also toss you headlong into the world of Netflix impulse watching. You know the feeling. After watching a streaming video, the wiley bastard that is Netflix will say, "If you liked that...you'll love..." [Tangent: It is especially strong if you watch a lot of their documentaries.] Minutes later you find yourself marathon watching the following titles:

Strictly Background - A movie all about film extras

Being Elmo- the story of the voice and personality behind Sesame Street's favorite red monster

For the Love of Dolly- 5 strangers explain their Dolly Parton obsession

I Think We're Alone Now - focuses on two individuals obsessed with 1980s pop star Tiffany: an "intersexual" and a 50-year-old man with Asperger's syndrome.

It's a slippery slope...and I have been down it. Night Folks...may this haunt your dreams...