Wednesday, April 18, 2012

i'm free...freelancin'

I am currently medicated and hurting like hell, but no more gallbladder!!!!! While I was in the hospital [Got home yesterday] away from blogging and under a veil of narcotics, I had some older pieces published by other blogs. They are both music review assignments that haven't been published before. Pretty exciting. Hope you enjoy! Back to bed.

Music Review: Her Nashville springtime tunes

Album Review: i heart the road.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

survey says: the feud gets x-rated

You know when you stumble across something on television and watch it as more or less as a space filler until something better comes on, and then your life changes. OK, maybe you don't- but it kinda happened to me last week. 

As I may have mentioned, I love game shows and game show culture. Not to the degree that I am gonna get all pilled up and become one with the TV like that woman in Requiem for a Dream, but when I have a purse full of junk, I often think of how I would kick ass at Let's Make a Deal. That's the distinction. [Tangent: By the way, while we are on Let's Make a I the only one that thought the contestants actually got to keep the zonks!?! Like I thought they really won the donkey or the junkie car. As a child I considered a donkey an amazing prize. My innocence was lost when I realized this was untrue.]
why is a llama a zonk!??! I want a llama!

Well, the other day somewhere between a Storage Wars marathon and my new obsession My Strange Addiction, [Tangent: I love the idea that someone can eat 2-4 bottles of nail polish a day, intermittently cleaning the lacquer of their chompers with nail polish remover, and not realize this process is harmful to their health. ] I decided to fill my time with an old episode of one of my personal standby favorites- Family Feud. Thank god by boyfriend and sister were there as witnesses, because I feel otherwise no one would believe me.

I will set the stage for you, it was a sassy black family vs a very repressed white family, who earlier blushed when the sassy ones answered "Orgasm" to "what is something people refer to as 'the big one'?" It was a good answer, no need for embarrassment! This same very repressed bunch stole the round with "penis" so go figure. [Tangent: I will say when Steve Harvey replaced Al Borlen/J. Peterman/Louie Anderson as the host of The Feud, shit got real.]

Anyway, in the Double round, the question was "What is something you put on before sex?" [Tangent: I told you, The Feud has gotten scandalous. I love it!] Some answered lingerie or soft music, and then justifiably so, someone had a responsible answer: condom. Only when Steve Harvey said, "Show me condom," this is the phrase that showed up as #1 on the board:

Cue a giggle fit for me. Really, the folks at the feud thought "dong sarong" was a more wholesome term for a condom. Wow. Don't believe me, apparently those on twitter agreed:

Saturday, April 7, 2012

to market I go (phoning it in.)

 My friend Rae is a blogging fiend and ridiculously good at photodocumenting her life in her blog- Say it Ain't so. Ordinarily my life is just me dressed in business casual waist up, jammy pants waist down watching Ellen and drinking a route 44 sweet Tea. No one needs to have that photodocumented to believe it, it's pathetic and not really something the public needs to see.

Since I wrote all morning for a music review I was asked to do for my friend Jessica's blog, I am kinda  phoning this one in. I thought I would let the photos speak for themselves.

 They recently rebuilt one of my favorite stores, McKay's Used Books/DVDs/Music emporium of awesome and I was really excited to see its new digs. To be honest I just bought a bunch of gifts and for myself a copy of the first CD I have ever owned.

you bet your ass I sang along every word on the way ever song that I haven't heard in 15 years.

Probably the best things, though, were the things I just stumbled across...

we found the rules of Fight Club scribbled in serial killer handwriting near the Chuck Palahniuk books

this was one of the more disturbing children's books we stumbled across. Nothing good can come of this.
 Because we were in the area [Tangent: Is it weird that I have lived in the Nashville area all my life and never really travelled further west on Charlotte Avenue that the White Bride Road intersection? I have lived in a bubble. In my mind, civilization stopped there. Newsflash: it does not.] and because I had never been there, we went to World Market. After being momentarily awed by pretty scarves and candelly contraptions and shiny teakettles, I saw the real reason for coming, the FOODS OF THE WORLD! I came home with a sack of oddball cookies, cucumber wasabi dip and foreign sodas. Here are some of the things I saved for next time.
I couldn't even look at these without dry heaving

mmmm....salad cream....tastes like pourable sunshine.

I didn't buy these because they were $4.49, but they are the cutest hippo cookies ever.

In foreign countries they usually put a photo of the main ingredient on the front. Kinder is German for children. I am afraid.

Jamie really really really wanted to buy this.

...and this.

Edible bandaids, of course!

part of me wanted to buy these just to see what they were. there was absolutely no explaination.
Ok. That's about it. I also watched some Storage Wars and ate some Chick Fil A, but that needs no photographic proof. Its just sad.

Friday, April 6, 2012

and it stoned me to my soul...

Sorry that I have been away for awhile [Tangent: Almost two weeks. That's gross.]. Trust I have been piling up on things I want to write about and feel the need the projectile vomit all that has been building up inside at this very moment.

Speaking of projectile vomit, that brings me to one reason why I have been absent. I have had on again off again gallbladder issues. The one that occurred Monday I like to call Gallbladder part Deux: The Reckoning. It was bad. Basically I woke up at 4 AM after a lovely dinner of a Taco Bell Mexican pizza [Tangent: Yes, I know that falls under the category of "askin' for it" but as my doctor told me, "Diet has little to do with it. Many factors can be at play" so I opt to trust the man in the white coat.] in miserable ungodly pain that I have discussed previously here and here . I can only liken it to a 600 lb woman, probably starring in a  TLC program, standing on one foot in the middle of your chest...oh yeah, she's wearing football cleats. 
or this....

I went to the ER just counting down the MTM, minutes till morphine. I may have even screamed, "just give me drugs" while in triage or yelled at a nurse that "I needed meds." My behavior while under the influence of a gallbladder attack is undesirable, and I choose not to be  held accountable for my actions, because having a nurse as a mother and being a dick of a patient is a sin.  

Three days later, after meeting the requirements of eat. poop. labs. I was released back into the wild. Organs are all still intact, but this time I left with a somewhat vague plan of action to get that little sack of rocks yanked out through my bellybutton [Tangent: Maybe to make a stunning anklet out of. The perfect gift for the girl who has everything...but a gall stone anklet.]. I plan to undergo surgery with three caveats:

1. That it is NOT at the most inconvenient time possible.
2. When I am healthy
3. And once I have found a doctor that I trust entirely. [Tangent: To me, doctors are like friends or even boyfriends, its better to be picky.] 

This isn't the only reason I have gone AWOL from blogging, I have also been out of town. On Friday, I skipped town, off to the magical East side of Tennessee, Kingsport to be exact.  

[Tangent: Tri-Citites! What! What!...I know I can't pull that off, hence why it's an aside. Prior to going there the only thing I knew about the town is that I had heard the air smelled funny, which it kinda did. But, it wasn't a bad thing. It kind of smelled like a sandwich bag that probably once a held a blueberry donut. That's oddly specific, I realize, but I thought it was important I debunk the myth. Anyway, you get used to it pretty easily.] My fella and I have been together for 11 months and I have been unable to scare him off yet, so we figured it was high time I meet his family lest I start to think I was his dirty little secret. [Tangent: I never did. Anyway, I am facebook friends with both of his parents. That kind of commitment to a lie would be impressive.] Meeting the parents is a big step, not to be stepped into lightly, even though my ginger assured me that they already loved me and would love me even more when they knew me in real life. 

The truth is, I kinda love them. They were all I expected and more. Sweet folks who love vintage Volkwagon and each other [Tangent: They also own 5 tandem bicycles, which is amazing and intrigues me.] I enjoyed it all thoroughly thoroughly. They took me to Cracker Barrell. Swooooooooooooooon. That alone could have won me over; the fact that they showed me a picture of my boyfriend in front of a laser background astride a ladder wearing salmon pink duck head shorts was just icing on an already awesome cake.

Now I leave you with the titular song! 

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