Friday, April 6, 2012

and it stoned me to my soul...

Sorry that I have been away for awhile [Tangent: Almost two weeks. That's gross.]. Trust I have been piling up on things I want to write about and feel the need the projectile vomit all that has been building up inside at this very moment.

Speaking of projectile vomit, that brings me to one reason why I have been absent. I have had on again off again gallbladder issues. The one that occurred Monday I like to call Gallbladder part Deux: The Reckoning. It was bad. Basically I woke up at 4 AM after a lovely dinner of a Taco Bell Mexican pizza [Tangent: Yes, I know that falls under the category of "askin' for it" but as my doctor told me, "Diet has little to do with it. Many factors can be at play" so I opt to trust the man in the white coat.] in miserable ungodly pain that I have discussed previously here and here . I can only liken it to a 600 lb woman, probably starring in a  TLC program, standing on one foot in the middle of your chest...oh yeah, she's wearing football cleats. 
or this....

I went to the ER just counting down the MTM, minutes till morphine. I may have even screamed, "just give me drugs" while in triage or yelled at a nurse that "I needed meds." My behavior while under the influence of a gallbladder attack is undesirable, and I choose not to be  held accountable for my actions, because having a nurse as a mother and being a dick of a patient is a sin.  

Three days later, after meeting the requirements of eat. poop. labs. I was released back into the wild. Organs are all still intact, but this time I left with a somewhat vague plan of action to get that little sack of rocks yanked out through my bellybutton [Tangent: Maybe to make a stunning anklet out of. The perfect gift for the girl who has everything...but a gall stone anklet.]. I plan to undergo surgery with three caveats:

1. That it is NOT at the most inconvenient time possible.
2. When I am healthy
3. And once I have found a doctor that I trust entirely. [Tangent: To me, doctors are like friends or even boyfriends, its better to be picky.] 

This isn't the only reason I have gone AWOL from blogging, I have also been out of town. On Friday, I skipped town, off to the magical East side of Tennessee, Kingsport to be exact.  

[Tangent: Tri-Citites! What! What!...I know I can't pull that off, hence why it's an aside. Prior to going there the only thing I knew about the town is that I had heard the air smelled funny, which it kinda did. But, it wasn't a bad thing. It kind of smelled like a sandwich bag that probably once a held a blueberry donut. That's oddly specific, I realize, but I thought it was important I debunk the myth. Anyway, you get used to it pretty easily.] My fella and I have been together for 11 months and I have been unable to scare him off yet, so we figured it was high time I meet his family lest I start to think I was his dirty little secret. [Tangent: I never did. Anyway, I am facebook friends with both of his parents. That kind of commitment to a lie would be impressive.] Meeting the parents is a big step, not to be stepped into lightly, even though my ginger assured me that they already loved me and would love me even more when they knew me in real life. 

The truth is, I kinda love them. They were all I expected and more. Sweet folks who love vintage Volkwagon and each other [Tangent: They also own 5 tandem bicycles, which is amazing and intrigues me.] I enjoyed it all thoroughly thoroughly. They took me to Cracker Barrell. Swooooooooooooooon. That alone could have won me over; the fact that they showed me a picture of my boyfriend in front of a laser background astride a ladder wearing salmon pink duck head shorts was just icing on an already awesome cake.

Now I leave you with the titular song! 


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. You are hilarious!! I LOVE reading your blog!! Hope you're feeling better!!

  3. This gives "Who says I can't get stoned?" a whole new meaning. Maybe John Mayer just has a bad gallbladder.


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