Tuesday, July 31, 2012

the app happy chronicles, volume 2: photo opportunity

 For about 2 months, I have been an official iPhone owner. Not only have I drunk the Kool-Aid, but I encourage all other to take a sip. I love my phone. The battery lasts longer. I can easily access iTunes and podcasts and such. The combination of this new toy purchase and bouts of insomnia has yielded some ridiculous free app downloads in the wee hours when I feel inclined to root around for something to keep me busy. I felt the need to share them. [Tangent: This smartphone obsessiveness is not something new. I have gotten app happy before in this post...hence the volume 2.]

Although, I am definitely a fan of instagram, there are only so many plates of food and cats cuddled in blankets that I can see in one day. As in most avenues of life, I crave diversity. Enter ridiculous photo apps.  I will credit my fellow blogging friend Rae with these first 2 which are completely moronic/awesome.

The first of which is the Lisa Frank app, which immediately before even hearing what it did, I was already in the app store free downloading it. It's really completely stupid, just adding beloved technicolor characters from your childhood trapper keeper into photos of your loved ones...but I think its worth checking out for nostalgia's sake. [Tangent: I not so secretly wish that it would just take existing photos and "Frankify" them kinda like an instagram filter. Get on that tech geniuses. Make it happen.]
should I be jealous of ballerina bunny scamming on my ginger?
Beth looks so hyped to be hanging out with Hollywood Bear, who can blame her?
Once I'd added as many neon anthropromorphic animals to my pictures as desired, I moved on to another Rae suggestion, the Way Cooler app, which was indeed Way Cooler. Don't believe me. I think a picture is worth 1,000 horrified shrieks.

my friend Binkley has never looked better.

I really feel these are Newman's true colors. God, I love a creepy baby hand on a dog.

This is my lovely friend Alyssa and I have turned her into a demented teddy bear. That's how I spent my Friday.

I am so attractive.
This app has still not gotten old to me even after a week of using it several times daily. Although it was free, I have many times been tempted to download the extended pack for $4.99.  The amusement gained from some unicorn horns, giant eyebrows and crazy tongues is well worth the cash [Tangent: Turn that sentence over in your head. It is one you will likely never hear again.]. I have not yet given into the temptation quite yet because I can just add hairstyles with the Pimp My Hair App in the interim. There are so many to choose from and this is especially fun at parties.

Haven't you always wondered what I would look like with slightly mullety Bieber hair?

My sweet niece is slightly bald, thus the perfect model for new hair styles. She's a blank canvas. Here she is with Twilight hair.
and of course Jamie, even more gingerry.
If you want to horrify yourself further, I think the Face Juggle app is worth your time. As long as your picture has 2 people in it, you can learn what would life would be like if Face Off was a documentary.

This was me and Alex at her going away dinner. The facial contortion is so upsetting.

again me and jamie make it weird. 
my niece ellie and my beautiful sister-in-law switching faces may take the cake as the most disturbing thing ever. How can two people so inately gorgeous cause such horror?  Infant face on adult body is something that should never happen. Hopefully, this will not haunt your dreams.

So if you can get past the above picture of adult baby and shrunken woman, I implore you to download the My Heritage app and arbitrarily select your twin from a pool of extremely random celebrities. [Tangent: Example- both me and my sister apparently bear a resemblance to Sporty Spice.]
my friend Ryan is a big fan of this app. I told him that Johnny Depp is moving to Nashville and he should certainly exploit their similarities upon his arrival.

my dad is akin to Harry Bellafonte and BB King. My dad is a black man, apparently. That's new information.

I love this for 2 reasons. 1. that i chose to use this terrible picture of me and 2. that I look like Natalie Portman who is my favorite actress and girl I'd go gay for. (nevermind the fact that she is wearing some kind of furry suit.]

My boyfriend apparently only looks like presidents. In his first one, he looked like Chester A. Arthur. Because he is a tremendous dork, he was really excited.
Rae's is perhaps my favorite. What 20 something girl wouldn't wanna look like 60s Michael Caine? He's so dapper.
 Well I hope I have given you some inspiration. Enjoy your new time sucks.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

bad robot

Twice this week, my plans have squashed due to my malfunctioning finicky asshole of an automotive. Don't get me wrong, I love my brown van with every shred of my being, but sometimes you grow weary and upset with the antics of your loved ones, even robot cars.
I'm sure the hoff knows what I'm talkin about.
 On Friday, I went outside to start my vehicle and it would crank up, but wouldn't move after several attempts. Because it wouldn't even recognize that I was in park, my ramp wouldn't deploy either. Double bummer. To normal car drivers, this would be an easy fix: call around and find a deal with a local mechanic. For those wheelchair peeps that drive robot cars, you usually only have one choice of mechanic and they seriously have a monopoly on repair work because the idea of working on something operated by a touch screen scares most handy-men shitless.
apparently this makes people crap their pants.
 I can't even get an oil change at most places because their insurance won't allow me to drive onto the racks, and there's no way they really can. Luckily, I have a good relationship with the place I ordered my vehicle from, only problem being my regular mechanic, who can usually diagnose and help me fix the problem over the phone, was outta town so I had to get it towed there by AAA anyone and fixed by his substitute. 

After $70 dollars for towing, I was reminded that AAA tow truck drivers are also scared of robo cars. Mostly because if its being finicky, you can't put it in neutral. All those adaptive contraptions and hydrolics weigh a ton (quite literally), so they have to manually have to drag it, sparks flyin', onto the dolly. Its a spectacle.

I got the call Friday afternoon that my car was finished so my dad went to pick it up for me. [Tangent: It has a seat you can slide into the space where my wheelchair usually goes. My van is also equipped with gas and break pedals so non wheeled ones can operate it if necessary. My dad still has to use my turn table steering wheel though, which is I'm sure a bit unnerving if you aren't accustomed to it. For that reason, only my father is designated to drive it besides myself. I'll have him give my ginger the full tutorial soon. My mom would, but she doesn't really even love driving her car that much, and besides her feet don't reach the pedals.]

a view of my steering wheel/turn table

The newly "fixed" car drove from point A (the mechanic) to point B (my house), so the villagers rejoiced.

All seemed rectified, but when I tried to start it to drive to my friend Binkley's Star Wars theme costume party birthday [Tangent: So nerdy. I love it!], I realized the battery was dead. Alas, my Ewok costume constructed out of things in my closet would have to go to waste and I would be quarantined at the house to write this blog. This revelation especially sucked because I just got a new battery in January, after watching my mechanic curse and pry the old one out for roughly 2 hours, because some design genius mounted to the primary battery under all my adaptive computer battery equipment. So basically you had to know the secret of the labyrinth to get to it.  Here's hoping some serious overnight charging and inordinate amounts of good vibes will return me to "truckin'" status come daybreak.

Anyone that is looking to start their own business, I implore you to go into adaptive automotives. There is a huge market and you can just create your own price points...because well, you can.  Additionally, big ass mom vans with ramps cost as much as Lambourghinis. You can thank me by buying me a sweet new ride when you hit it big. 
 ...but in the meantime, I will have to keep putting up with this brat till his wheels completely fall off. 

Friday, July 27, 2012

Katy Perry in 3D...in 2D

Earlier this week,  I had the pleasure of hanging out with my favorite Saudi Arabian export, Amber. [Tangent: She and her husband are were teachers there for the last 2 years. The next country they will take by Desert Storm (get it...get it) is Kuwait! Learn about their education in culture shock here.] Because she has been living a bit of a constricted life overseas, we decided to celebrate America with Cracker Barrel and Seeing Katy Perry: Part of Me in 3D...in 2D.

Because the movie has been out for several weeks, [Tangent: ...And there is this little movie called Batman out is now...maybe you've heard of it] it has been relegated to the tiny, last resort, non bells and whistles theater...meaning it was decidedly not 3-D. Luckily, I was going for the complex storytelling and not the visuals, so I didn't seem to mind that her rotating peppermint candy breasts were not coming directly at my face.

[Tangent/Brief embarassing confession: If only I had seen Jo Bros concert movie, this would complete the shameful quartet of adolescent-aimed 3D concert movies that I have watched in 2D. Among them being the Glee 3D Experience and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. The latter brought me to tears and is still catching me hell after I watched it on Netflix and immortalized it in this blog post. The Glee one, which I stumbled across on HBO, was slightly terrible, which I guess should be expected. In the backstage footage, all the cast conducted interviews and remained in character, which struck me as really creepy. I wanted to be like, "You know you aren''t Artie, right? You can walk." but if I did, I would be talking to the screen...thus equally delusional. However it was saved by a thirty second clip of a little Asian gleek in a Dalton Academy Warblers jacket.] 
now that you have seen this highlight...I saved you 90 minutes of staring at the TV incredulously
 It was obvious, however, that many visuals from KP3D2D like extended confetti, whipped cream cannons and the names of all the tour cities expanding out from the center of the screen would have been pretty neat if I were wearing those migraine inducing 3-D glasses. Oh, well.

Amber and I both enjoyed the film and were not ashamed that we are educated adults and still love us some Katy Perry. She really does seem actually really sweet and down to earth, despite her ridiculousness.  EX: Sporting a candy dot bodysuit, at one point, KP was dancing onstage with a dude in a fuzzy purple cat costume, a gaggle of Ken doll looking backup dancers and a bunch of concert goers (also in assorted costumes because apparently that's how you get on stage) to Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody...and I decided I secretly wanted to be Katy Perry.

Also likeable was the fact that she said was more or less a martian, due to her Pentecostal upbringing until she heard Alanis Morrissette. Yep...I guess that would make you want to drop your Bible and start singing, "LET ME SEE YOUR PEACOCK!" Her parents and sweet sweet Nana, though not a fan of her songs about dabbling in the lesbian pool, supported her wholeheartedly...and maybe her avant garde style has rubbed off on her sheltering father....
anytime he came onscreen i giggled
I'll try not to spoil any intricate plotlines or thought provoking dialogue, but in the end there is a Russell Brand breakup and an encore of "Firework," which is how most things should end, in an ideal candy coated world.  [Tangent: Even though I haven't quite pinpointed what it is to "feel like a plastic bag" I like any excuse to show vocal percussion. I'm a dork...in case you hadn't noticed.]

Sunday, July 22, 2012

beating a dead horse...another criminal minds blog

There is no way of sugarcoating my nerdy obsession with Criminal Minds. Since I live with my parents, I could basically give you brief character synopses and plot outline for every crime drama that is on the airwaves. However, as stated in this blog, my allegiance remains steadfast with Criminal Minds. It's the absolute finest. Hands down. [Tangent: I love it so much that a few weeks at Tuesday night pub trivia, I literally extreme anxiety over not knowing the full title to the Criminal Minds Forrest Whitaker/Janeane Garafola spin-off (it was Suspect Behavior). In my defense, if Spencer Reid isn't involved, I am inclined not to watch.]

Some of my friends have said they were big fans until the show got too dark. Is it weird that I thought that's when it started getting good. Examples of some of my favorite unsub profiles --- that's some lingo for you.

1. A woman in her forties (who may or may not have been played by Darla from A League of Their Own) who is using her handicapped van to kidnap woman and then turn them into living dolls by giving them paralyzing drugs. 

2. A taxi driver is kidnapping good smelling ladies, killing them and using their "essence" to turn into candles.

3. A taxidermist who is stealing human's eyes to use in his animal taxidermy. 

Another key component is that the homicidal maniacs they are tracking down almost are exclusively from a pool of 90's celebrities who you haven't really heard much from in a while. [Tangent: I have this fantasy that the producers have cut out people out of old Bop! magazines and put them into a hat to aid in the casting process.]....Ex: Frankie Muniz as a schitzo comic book artist, Will Wheaton as a panty stealer who owns a rustic lodge, Dean Cain as a murderer with a gambling addiction and James Van Der Beek as a killer who hunts his victims Most Dangerous Game style. Don't believe me...the internet will back me up...

It has gotten to the point, where I start just assuming every killer is from my childhood, prompting textchanges like this:

Today I rewatched one of my favorite teen dream episodes...the one where Luke Perry was a cult leader with many underage wives.  Swoon.  I guess when his wife, Toni Marchete McKay, was killed on the night of their wedding, he was driven to dellusion thinking he was a prophet [Tangent: Can you tell I often blur the lines of my fictitious characters?] 

I was always team Brandon Walsh, so I am just waiting for him to appear as killer ice cream man or something so I can check him off the list. 
proof of my nerdy 90210 love.
Sweet dreams.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

pow- the batman blog

* Dislclaimer: I had been planning to write about Batman this week for quite some time... then all that craziness happened in Aurora and I had to have that conundrum of "too soon?" or is it callous not to address what has been covered 24/7 on every news station and internet source. So, I am addressing it (in this disclaimer), but I kinda refuse to throw too much attention at it, not out of disrespect for the victims, but more because I feel like the man behind this is kind of a megalomaniac. I refuse to mention his name or garner him any more attention. That is all.

jacked from this store
I'm not a comic book nerd or expert by any means [Tangent: I didn't see Dark Knight until last summer, I know where the hell have I been? Apparently not on the ball.], but for some reason I have always followed the Batman. Bruce Wayne's story seems simple enough...he wasn't bitten to get powers, he's just kind of a rich badass with a dark past, which seems easy enough to follow if you are a novice. [Tangent: I have also since learned that Batgirl had a short stint as a wheelchair girl which endeared me even more to the franchise. Although, like any good fictitious character, she was miraculously cured not long after...so cest la vie. Apparently they didn't get the memo from the X-Men that you can remainn sedentary and be a vigilante at once. ]
Even though I really know very little about the comics and such, I ignorantly have gotten into the discussion several times on what is the best Batman movie...because I always say Tim Burton's sequel Batman Returns. [Tangent: I should preface my ramblings by saying this reboot came out when I was 9, which is the age where it is entirely possible to fixate on something and watch it an indefinite number of times, so it is the only Batman movie that I have seen more than twice.]  I know...I know....Christopher Nolan's vision of Gotham is amazing...wah...wah...wah. BATMAN RETURNS HAS DEVITO! That should be the end of the argument, right?
He's a politician who eats fish heads and thinks he is a penguin. SOLD!
The other aspect that is indelible was the scene where Michele Pfeiffer is making her Catwoman suit. Its completely implausible, but is clearly targeted at the young female demographic. If you haven't seen it 1000 times, you probably won't remember, but she takes an old raincoat, and by using her amateur sewing skills, stitches together a custom form fitting catsuit, complete with seam ripper claws.  Unbelievable-yes. But in an ideal world, every girl could take a tacky coat out of their closet and repurpose it into a sexy superhero look.

If Ann Hathaway doesn't have a similar scene in The Dark Knight Rises, I may stage a walkout...it's probably the best part of the film, at least it was to a 9 year old girl.

OK....In keeping with the spirit of Pre-Nolan Batman, I leave you with the very thing the internet is all about....multiple videos found when googling "Drunk guy singing Kiss From a Rose." You're welcome.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

i love technology*

*After typing that very generic, yet apropos, title, I can only think of this song Kip sings at the end of Napoleon Dynamite. [Tangent: Is it just me or did anyone else wear themselves out on that movie? I remember I saw it maybe 3x a week in college to the point where me and my friend Beth had our favorite unnamed ancillary characters that we would focus on throughout the movie. It also spawned something that I say all the time with the ND inflection. (see gif below), however I have no desire to watch it again. I prefer it frozen in time.]
The fact that this exists makes me very happy.
Anyway- back to my thesis statement- everyday I am reminded how much technology kicks ass. This morning while I was downloading to my iPhone various podcasts to listen to at work to keep me awake [Tangent: As always I am late to the party on podcasts, but I have recently fallen down the wormhole and have a list of about 20 people have suggested for me to check out.], I realized that the technological advances that have happened in my lifetime are both baffling and humbling... 
Things like this contraption that Jane Jetson is using is basically skype...which is perhaps my favorite  [Tangent: Prepare the deep cut pop culture reference, but remember that episode of Designing Women where Mary Jo is contemplating getting breast implants? Well, spoiler alert, she decides against it and decides she needs to accept herself as is, yadda yadda yadda. She uses the money she was going to put towards her new boobies to buy all of the ladies at Sugarbaker's new video phones. This means that in the late 80s video phones were priced at the equivalent of  cosmetic surgery procedure. Today, Skype is free. I love America.] I love it because I have only gotten to see my precious niece once since she was born, because she is a California Girl and all, but through skype and videos I can watch her grow. That is a beautiful thing that I am very thankful for.

I posted this one because I'd like you to see the ridiculous faces mom and I make when we skype with Ellie

As you can see, I get a little screenshot happy during our skype sessions, but I think its obvious that she is finally trying to realize there are people on the other side of those cooing faces on the screen. In my delusion, I think she recognizes us and knows we are her family. [Tangent: Unfortunately, one thing I did not get to capture via skype screenshot was my sweet niece listening to music on my brother's iPhone. At the time I was too mesmerized and now regret it. Apparently Miss Ellie Bug is really big on gangsta rap and 90s music, but recently she is diversifying because when my brother played November Blue by my favetts the Avett Brothers,  Ellie's chubby little face couldn't look away. He said she likes the face that pops up....and its true, she remained focused on the bearded face of Seth Avett. That's my girl.]

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

ya got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation...

If I am at a wedding or a karaoke establishment, the surest way to get me from normal to crazy in 10 seconds is to pump some Billy Joel from the speakers...most specifically "Only the Good Die Young." It speaks to me as a semi-Catholic girl. [Tangent: Its kinda like how women with brown eyes lose their shit when Van Morrison is played.]
obligatory first communion picture
Full disclosure. I used to be a really good fish on Fridays/church on Sundays kind of Catholic....granted I was a pre-adolescent at that point in time, so there weren't a lot of opportunities to break Biblical law and I was yet to come to any spiritual crossroads [Tangent: Although I was super tempted when they took Salute Your Shorts off the air.]. At that point in time it was all underage wine consumption and making cotton ball sheep in CCD class. Because I haven't been much of a church goer in the since I was a teenager, I for some reason just forget how much of  a super Catholic I used to be.  [Tangent: ya know...not a half assed Catholic like I was in high school or a Catholic ultra lite like I've considered myself since college....ya know trying to live a good life without condoning child diddling or hatred of gays etc. Some of my favorite people have been sodomites, after all...so bump that. ]

Thankfully- last nigt my dear sweet Catholic school grad of a mom, who has a tendency to hoard like I do, was cleaning out her closet and found a bunch of stuff she had saved from when she taught first grade Sunday school when I was younger. She had saved some of my sunday school projects as well and when she showed them to me they cracked me up.  I felt the need to share what young naive Kimmie was like. 
This was some kind of grim puzzle we completed and glued in the scroll. I thought it was a little blunt for 6 year olds. Coudln't they have made the crucifixion seem slightly less brutal? Guess not. Religions dark.

This says "Draw a picture of something you wonder a lot about" and that's right I drew a puppy. I am a deep thinker.

see...my penchant for gingers and brightly colored clothes started young. [Tangent: Imagining Jesus as a ginger with a pageboy haircut really shakes up the gospels.]

My mom told me I must not have had a good grasp on the assignment.

As a rule, red paint should not be used for handprints...unless you want it to look like a murder scene.

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