Wednesday, October 31, 2012

jackin my swag!

Today has been a lackluster Halloween. I am currently sporting the costume of a disheveled and exhausted girl who has been in her pajamas all day. Very original, I know.

Because I am quarantined in the back of the house with the doggies, armed with handfuls of dog biscuits to keep them distracted when masked pint-sized interlopers come a knockin'- I thought I would get in a quick blog post. In order to stay entertained, I decided to watch the most bone chilling thing I could find on cable - Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. [Tangent: Don't worry, yesterday I got in my fill of ridiculous 80s horror movies, watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Sleepaway Camp. Although Killer Klowns was a staple in my house as a child, I had never seen Sleepaway Campand can now confirm that it was one of the best worst horror movies ever, but the bat shit crazy twist at the ending makes it totally worth it. Terrible horror movies are a strange love of mine.]

Anyway- I just wanted to share something...a little US Weekly style Who Wore it Better ?


This whole debacle confirms my suspicions that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are totally trying to copy me. :) Only I am fairly sure her mermaid look was pricey, and it was likely not constructed out of an old strapless bra, a nude cami, some shells found in a decorative bathroom jar and a hella lotta green shimmer fabric. Also, Kanye, what kind of swarthy sailor man wears red topsiders? I rest my case. [Tangent: What case is that? Not sure, but regardless, Happy Halloween, ya'll!]

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

apparently I'm a responsible adult.

Maturity is not a virtue you would attribute to my name, so for me to be proactive and achieve something LONG before the deadline is decidedly out of character. Today I broke that pattern of procrastination [Tangent: I am roughly 2 weeks away from 30 so it is about damn time, right?]; I paid of my full...two months ahead of schedule.

I've been paying for my mom van for over 3 years, and I am beyond stoked to have that extra $350 bucks a month from this point forward. Maybe I will start collecting Hummel figurines or develop a pricey pill habit, but likely I will just be incredibly stingy as I usually am to a Scrooge McDuckian level.

Generally, I am the type of person that shouldn't have nice things. [Tangent: Example: My MacBook pro looks like a kitten's scratching post, and it generally has some kind of chocolate or mustard stain in the vicinity of the touch pad. That's how you know it is loved.] Until today, my van which is valued at as much as an Italian sports car wasn't mine; it was something I felt was simply "On loan" like a library book. Because it didn't technically belong solely to me, and the bank had a vested interest, I should be ashamed of all the wear and tear I have put on it over the past few years, but I feel like they are simply battle scars. Pristine things make me insanely uneasy, so now the car....ahem... I mean MY car...matches me- a scarred and disheveled half robot. Here is proof:

My Uplander has been an Upland R since about summer of '11. 

The interior of my car is slightly embarrassing. Luckily, it was baptized with a 40 oz of Hi-C fruit punch within its first month in my possession, so I have never deluded myself into thinking light beige fabric floorboards would remain light beige indefinitely. Even though I have shampooed them multiple times, they are still marked with the memories of muddy skid marks and a pack of Polynesian sauce that I ran over one day and never really effectively cleaned up. [Tangent: Now that I think of it, that barrel of fruit punch was also from Chick-Fil-A, which should just fuel your decision to boycott that establishment if you have already decided to do so.]

About once a week someone tells me that someone has hit my car. My reply is always the same, "Yes, they did. A year and a half ago." In fact, the scrape and hanging bumper occurred on the night I met Jamie. I hit a chain link fence trying to park in East Nashville. No one was injured and apparently my high from meeting a foxy redhead trumped my ability to give two shits that I had just mangled my front end. 

Because, I felt free from the burden's of being indebted to an establishment, I treated myself to a exorbitantly large cup of Starbucks to really kick that high dose B12 into high gear. Nothing can bring me down today. I feel like the green leotarded ladies in this video:

Sunday, October 28, 2012

heisenberg halloween

People always say, when is the moment that you knew your significant other was "the one" and I can affirm that one of those tell-tale moments was the moment I went over to my fellas house and saw inside his closet. Amid the East Nash uniform pieces of button downs in various plaids and about 20+ hats were the components of multiple costumes. Bowler hats, ridiculous embroidered western shirts, various ruffled blouses [Tangent: Jamie used to be in a couple different bands so a lot of these items are stage wear, but I like to think even if he wasn't a drummer, he would possess this stuff anyway]. To some girls, this might invoke a fear that their dating partner was a raging loon; to me, I was tickled pink. I love dressing up and being as completely ridiculous as to find a lucky 33 year old whom is never too old for Halloween and being silly makes me happy.

This year we went through MANY different idea options. Willy Wonka characters, Pee Wee's playhouse characters [Tangent: I was insanely inspired by this fellow awesome wheelchair blogger chick's post. She makes me look like a dingleberry, because her homemade costumes will leave your mouth agape for days!] and TONS of movie characters. Our concepts have pinballed back and forth since November 2011. I have thought for years it would be cool to somehow play people in wheelchairs, but that doesn't leave much room for inspiration...I mean FDR....Lt. Dan. You can only go so far.

Finally we settled on something that basically started as a joke because we are butt-crazy obsessed with Breaking Bad. The character of Hector Salamanca is in a wheelchair and Jamie could easily be Walt. [Tangent:  Mostly because he thought going in blackface to be Gus would be frowned upon.] True, not everyone at the parties would necessarily be huge Breaking Bad fans, but the ones that got it would love it. I kinda love a costume that only appeals to 25% of the people, because that 25% would likely appreciate it more.

rock candy meth, gun, 2 cell phones, disfigured Gus face, bell, oxygen tubing...and of course...
...a bomb....and yes that's a Jerry Lewis watch...its the only one I could find at my house.

Luckily I have long ago but aside the need to be "cute" on Halloween. Why be a sexy corn on the cob, when you have an idea that involves a bathrobe and a bald cap? Am I right ladies? I mean while some ladies were not breathing in their vaguely ambiguous corsets and picking their booty shorts out of their butt cracks, I got to sit around in scrubs and grippy hospital socks. [Tangent: Please contain your jealousy!]

Jamie even shaved down to a goatee for the evening, which is a look that on him, I find semi terrifying for some reason. Now the quest to start thinking about Halloween 2013 begins now!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Bald is beautiful

So the other day I made a simple $3.99 purchase at the Halloween tent that has already bought be inordinate amounts of joy. [Tangent: Yes, I bought the cheapest one I could find, but you can spend upwards of $30 on this novelty.] Sure, I need it for my costume, but isn't a bald cap something every modern gal needs in their life? I pretty much look like the dancing old man in the Six Flags ad, which I think is pretty foxy.
My boyfriend told me the last picture looks "like someone who makes wacky children's records" or at the very least someone who can make some killer balloon animals. I can't say I disagree with his assessment.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

give us your frail... your wheelchaired... your elderly masses

what a weird slogan

That hot garbage feeling is starting to sneak up on me...and I am having nothing of it. Being sick is not something I can at all afford given I only have .56 hours of vacation time accrued, so instead of going to tuesday night trivia, I elected to early vote and call it an early night. In other words, be an old lady...but an old lady that has done her civic duty.

After work, I picked my mom up so she and I could make a run to our polling location in case we are both hit by a bus tomorrow- our voices will have been heard [Tangent: Or probably not...we live in a red state...but oh well. As in going to a doctor's office as a child, I got a all was not lost.]
 When we crossed the threshhold of the Tennessee Baptist Convention, [Tangent: A building I've never had a reason to enter.] I noticed the line was wrapped around the building...up and down stairs and around doorways. Yay! People are rocking the vote. Boo! Those people all got here ahead of me.

My throat was suddenly extra scratchy as my regret set in, and I began to think there was not enough piled up games of Word Scramble to keep me entertained in this endless queue. This was until I spotted a gray haired angel and a sign that would probably be the cause of numerous "eat shit" looks from my fellow early voters. The sign read: "frail, disabled and elderly voters can move to the front of the line." [Tangent: The word "frail" and the overall appearance of the sign made me giggle a little. I was gonna take a photo of it...but right above it was a sign prohibiting cell phone usage in the polling place. Oh, well.] I felt awkward, but not guilty completely breezing by those other 50 stellar citizens and being in and out of that sandtrap in 10 minutes.

Once again I would like to thank my wheelchair for its small favors. [Tangent: Oh and while I'm at it...thanks for allowing me to be ushered to the front to get this view at the Alabama Shakes benefit show at the 5 Spot last weekend, being the happy vessel for all of Brittany Howard's spit and sweat. ]
no zoom
 So what's the point of this rambling- Get out there and vote...for whomever. [Tangent: Early vote in fact...its not so bad...just google early polling places in your county and make it happen.] Maybe you should borrow an elderly person, or a cane or a tank of oxygen or some other fun accessory because that's how you get to roll VIP.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Nashville is so hot right now

this mural is also one of the designs from DCXV- one of my favorite Nashville based brands
Born and raised on the outskirts of Nashville, I have seen my city be the butt of redneck jokes and the center of stereotype- and now, out of the blue clear sky,  I am witnessing its ascension into the epitome of cool. A part of me is so overjoyed that non Nashvillians are seeing the exposure my hometown is getting in recent articles [Tangent: Last year, Rolling Stone anointed Nashville as having the best music scene in the country and GQ deemed it "Nowville" a couple months back.] and TV shows [Tangent: First there is the show bearing our city's name, and the lets not forget, we are getting a housewives franchise, for God's sake!], but another part of me is protective. My city is pretty damned spectacular, and I would shout it from the rooftops (and I have here), but  I don't want it to be seen as "trendy" and go the way of the fanny pack as soon as the spotlight shifts to another growing metropolis. [Tangent: The last area to have its name attached to all things pop culture was New Jersey, and you see what effect that had on its people. Thanks Paulie D.] 

For this reason I was nervous when I've watched the last couple episodes of Nashville. I truly didn't want it to let me down and more importantly, let my hometown down. I didn't wanna see all the characters dressed like tourists, because contrary to most outsider's knowledge, natives aren't walking around in cowboy hats 24/7. Thankfully for ABC and my heart, this prime time musical soap opera did not leave me disheartened, it just rekindled my love. [Tangent: Even though, with all its footage from The Bluebird Cafe, I could not help but be reminded of the storyline from the 1993 Kimmie favorite: A Thing Called Love. In fact the entire Nashville sub-storyline of the Bluebird waitress love triangle is precisely identical to the one that River Phoenix, Dermot Mulroney and Samantha Mathis find themselves in during the movie. After watching the below trailer, it makes me want to dig out the soundtrack which I bought after it came out.]

Thanks to the awesome dialect coaches hired by ABC producers [Tangent: I happen to know one!], the characters on the show all speak coherently and normal just with a slight lilt, like most Nashvillians actually do,  instead of with some weird amalgamation of drawls that sound as like the lovechild of Jeff Foxworthy and Julia Sugarbaker. That attention to detail is completely appreciated by yours truly.

Of course there are moments as a native when I watch it and think, "Wait, why would you walk from Tootsie's to the Pedestrian Bridge? That's inconvenient." or  you are constantly ignoring the character dialogue because you recognize someone that's in the background. That's part of the fun. It's the reason that so many of my other friends locally are swept up in it. Even most of my guy friends and family members make this show appointment TV merely out of civic pride...and maybe Hayden Penetierre jiggling around on the Musica Statue. [Tangent: I have never seen ladies writhing around on it, but I have seen an inflatable penis stuck to it after some bachelorette party shenanigans. That's the closest I've come to seeing sexiness in the Music Row roundabout.] It can also be fun to sit around and guess which neighborhoods the characters live in [Tangent: I am guessing the Bluebird Waitress is East Nashville. Rayna James is from Bell Meade and Deacon lives in the Hillsboro Village area.] and be reminded, by way of sweeping bird's eye shots, how pretty the landscapes are that we take for granted everyday.  Every hour long episode is like one big tourist commercial, in the best way possible.

Despite all of this positivity, I guess I am still worried, because I know Nashville's ego balloon is about to be filled past capacity in the accolades it has received. It is possible to have too much of a good thing. Right after Titanic came out, Titanic fever swept the nation. Every prom in America in '97/'98 was Titanic themed. Everyone was suddenly a scholar of the tragic event and wearing replica heart of the ocean pendants. I remember having to write a movie review in my 9th grade English class and naturally what motion picture did I, along with nearly every other kid in my class, select? Titanic. Eventually the collective enthusiasm felt for the film and the ship of dreams, for lack of a better word, sank. I don't want Nashville to sink. We dodged that bullet in 2010.

Monday, October 15, 2012

one man's junk

So now I am home from my vacation to the beach, so be forewarned that the next few posts are likely going to be beachcentric. You'll deal with it. I promise.

While driving to the NC beach, we got slightly turned around. My dad insisted on ignoring SIRI and her navigational instructions, and instead go by his internal GPS and love of "shortcuts", even though he had not visited Holden Beach in about 10 years. He is nothing if not incredibly stubborn. At the time, I was slightly irritated by his inability to trust technology, but because of it....we happened upon something completely ridiculous/incredible. 

Out of the side window of our SUV while driving through Varnamtown, NC, I spotted something that was either a roadside attraction, evidence of a hoarder gone berserk or a possible murder scene. Because my father drives down country roads like a 1930s moonshiner, I couldn't distinguish which, but Jamie and I mentally noted that we would like to return and investigate this "place" we passed at some juncture in our week long vacation. 

Because we were slightly lost and had no idea what we were looking for, other than it was something involving vintage cars, pirates and discarded toilets...we couldn't find it on our first couple excursions. We googled every possible search term and there were no pictures or information in existence on any corner of the Internet. It was almost like one of those horror movies, where a person stays in a hotel or sees a person and then later, after searching the microfiche at their local library, finds out that it burned down hundreds of years ago. [Tangent: That is the concept of The Shining, right? I don't know, I am finally gonna stop lying to people and actually watch the whole thing this hallo-season.]

Thankfully, we finally dragged my brother along on one of our journeys because he too had seen this apparition when venturing into Varnamtown to buy fish. The three of us were apparently the only people that knew about it, or perhaps the only ones that had survived. Not certain. We finally found out that it was called simply "Dale's" and that it was a junkyard (? maybe ?). Because 90% of it was fenced off and guarded by creepy roosters [Tangent: Seriously...that is the eeriest guard animal imaginable.], and the front door to the establishment was locked...the only service it was providing was a coke machine out front. 

We could only access the front half of the premises, but fear not- I took LOTS of phone photos so that the Internet would have at least one reference for other travellers who happen upon Dale's Junkyard in Varnamtown, NC. IT EXISTS! Here's proof. 
this was the main attraction. If you have never seen a tour bus with a crack rock, skeleton and rolled up dollar bills affixed to the top - clearly you need to come to Varnamtown.

the last line made me giggle
there were a bunch of odd cars driven by mannequins

like this lady

my brother modeling
my favorite random old car. 

 more rolled up dollar bills and junkie bizarre

I want this on a haste

more creepy old vehicles

obligatory southern pride hanging scene for no apparent reason

unmanned zoltar machine.
just your everyday dummy funeral with a "in the heat of the night" era NC patrolman nearby

one of several toilet arrangements

this was one of the more creative ones.

it really just keeps getting more and more disturbing

one of the many older and less ridiculous cars
 So now if you are driving along the roads of Coastal North Carolina and are itching to see an homage to all things junky and/or creepy and/or potentially offensive- Dale's is for you!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

get your pumpkins out!

the sexy honey badger dont play.
 Its officially October, so that means its time for us all to be visually harangued with sights of scantily clad women in ridiculous Halloween costumes. It is something that I have annually addressed since this blog's inception. [Exhibit A; Exhibit B] This year, my friend and fellow Halloween enthusiast, Kate, posted the following on my facebook page, thus reminding me that the time to blog about this topic was again upon us:

I can't say I was shocked...I mean I know that skankiness has no boundaries (not unlike the WalMart brand). After seeing this post, I lost more time than I would care to admit laughing till I cried looking at women tarted up in ridiculous and creative ways. [Tangent: If you want to fall down the glittery and possibly STD ridden rabbit hole, please visit]

...and some not so creative. This one took me for minute.

completely authentic...but probably would chafe if you tried to mount a horse.

this one was called "remember the trojans." ...and I would if I were you.

....again sexy dolphin isn't even trying

I know lots of trashy women that want to merge their love of Dr. Seuss with their love of pulling tail.

sexy hamburger...duh.

This would be a hit if you were an paleontologist that really wanted to let your hair down

the sexy rooster is not even trying to be subtle.

I know Romney isn't big of PBS, but maybe he has never witnessed sexy Oscar the Grouch

I had to look at this many times before I even figured out it was Nemo.

communism! Yay!

yep. tarantula....but hot.

someone didn't finish this mummy

This one isn't the sluttiest...but one that made me spit tea everywhere

Jamie liked that it said Beatlejuice on the skirt because it isn't exactly crystal clear

This raises a lot of red flags, and daddy issues

I wanna be a Family Guy know...the slutty one.

"I'm scary"

I'm gonna assume this is some kind of anime thing...and even then I am really worried about the wearer of said "Sexy Husky" outfit.

This one was so terrible, they couldn't get the "Pooh" licensing. It was simply called "Honey Bear"
I'm sure I will come across more in the coming weeks, but for now I am on vacation, so I am gonna go outside and sleep on the beach, while visions of sexy sorcerers and unicorns dance in my head. Later.
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