Thursday, November 29, 2012

nailed it.

For those of you new to my life, you may not know that after college, and before my current job in InsuranceLand- I worked at a retail establishment that rhymes with Schmictoria’s Schmecret for about 3 years. For those of you that can figure out obvious clues, I will tell you that I didn’t work amid thongs and balconnet bras; I worked exclusively in VS Beauty, where I daily coated my face in shimmer between customers and always came home smelling like a baby prostitute [Tangent: To the point where I would blow my nose sometimes and glitter would come out, literally. This is how I imagine Tinkerbell’s snot looks. Btw: Tinkerbell’s Snot will be the name of my hypothetical all girl metal band.]. It was part of my job description to look polished.  Such a glamorous life making under $8 an hour.
Since then, I have become decidedly less groomed. [Ex: Today despite having a pimple bindi style in the middle of my forehead, I decided against covering it up, because I was running late, and opted instead to rock it proudly. In fact I only further highlighted it by pulling my shaggy bangs off my forehead with a headband. If you are gonna go, go balls (or pimples) out.] The Kimmie of today doesn’t give a damn but is striving everyday to not become a glamour don’t/”before” on What Not To Wear. In order to step up my game, I have recently tried to keep my nails painted, because something about putting lacquer on my nails is super relaxing and makes me feel like I am somehow using my useless art minor.
Because I am a tremendous puss, I of course started out only having various shades of nude and taupe. [Tangent: TRES EDGY! ] The stores however, with their crazy diversified color selections have lured me into completely embracing some other nail trends that seem to be all the rage among fashion bloggers. Now, I can be seen pink polka dots on the daily- helping me find the girly-ness that somehow has gotten lost in the shuffle.

After reading a negative review of the new press on manicures [aka Lee Press-Ons 2.0]  by Lauren at Old Red Boots- my mind started bursting with commentary on manicure matters. [Tangent: Why are press-on manicures making a comeback? I know they make sense in theory, but they are only being held on my a sticker. I remember my sister wore them to her 8th grade dance and lost most of them by the time my mom picked her up before curfew. As I recall, she ended up leaving some of them between the couch cushions at a friends house. That visual has kept me from purchasing the revamped Sally Hansen package every time I pass them at the drug store.]  Thankfully Old Red Boots confirmed that they are still terrible, even in their 2012 version.

whenever I see these, I see them as a sponsor of some 80s game show

  On the other hand, I have sort of fallen in love with crackle polish, which I impulse bought in triplicate when I saw it in a clearance basket on the end caps at Walgreen’s. The first time I tried it, with red layered over gunmetal gray, I was horrified. My nails looked like Freddy Kreugger flesh, which was not exactly the aesthetic I was aiming for.  The sparse directions on the bottle were terrible and made me temporarily regret doling out $3 on these products. After some googling and asking around, I learned there is a secret to making it look funky and not tragic.
  1. Apply 2 coats of a good quality polish.
  2. Apply a ridiculous thick coating of Crackle.
  4. Clear coat the whole shebang so its not bumpy as hell.  
  5. Enjoy the magic. 

I still can't tell if this looks good or bad.
That manicure type, because of all the layers, seems to stay put pretty well, which is key if you are a slacker with maintaining things. But don’t confuse it for the disease that is chunky glitter polish. [Tangent: It is like a terrible boyfriend, it looks pretty on the surface, but it so hard to get rid of.] I’m the girl that has made myself late to work  because I underestimated the daunting task of scrubbing chunky glitter topcoat off my nails. If you have never done it before, imagine the futility of taking a cotton ball and scrubbing it over steel wool. If you don't mind awkward tactility- then go for it! [Tangent: I mean it can be mighty pretty.]

It would almost be a better idea to keep adding more glitter to cover the bare patches forever. That is basically what you are up against…if there is an easier way to get rid of the herpes of polish, please let me know…or tell me I am being hyperdramatic.
Ok…now off to fix this debacle…
no filter needed for this breed of ugly.


  1. How does one wipe their bums with Lee press-ons? It just seems like an accidental culture waiting to happen. (real conversation between me and my teen nephew)

  2. Arrgh, don't make me do it! This is one of those blogger trends that I've been bucking because I'd rather knit or make something, and I just can't sit still long enough to let my nails dry. But you and Lauren make it sound fun! I'm thisclose to jumping on the bandwagon...

  3. Glitter polish. I love it and hate it at the same time. I've found that the best way to remove it, is to soak a cotton ball with polish remover and hold it on the nail for a few minutes and then scrub away. It's still a pain but it's bearable.

    1. I have no patience...or else I probably would have figured that out!

  4. Ok. Can we have a polish party? Maybe part of blogger sleepover 2013- date TBA at my house. I need some help. I purchased florescent yellow crackle coat and it looks like I am wearing a Highlighter whenever I use it.

    1. ab-so-lute-ly! Yeah Crackle is very hit and miss! Right now mine are teal and black crackle and they look kinda like urban camo the more I look at them. ugh.


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