SO EXCITED TO FINALLY BE BACK AND BLOGGING!!!!! I know it has been a month since my last blog and most of you have gone on to greener bloggy pastures, but hear me out...I have solid reasons for my absence.
#1 reason, I have been internet-less for about a month, which has made me a complete insane person. Our carrier, which rhymes with Shmay P & P, decided to go AWOL on us one day, and my folks gave me some hazy explanation as to why. [Tangent: Nebulous explanations are acceptable when you are pushing 30 and living with your folks. Its something that has become commonplace in my life not unlike the realization that you are a sad individual that is pushing 30 and still sleeping in your twin sized childhood bed.] but it doesn't matter...we have no net, and I would go out of my mind if I had to type a blog out on my droid.
# 2 reason, as alluded to in my last few blogs, I had been having some MAJOR issues with my sickly asshole of a gallbladder which tried to kill me on a daily basis for basically the entire springtime season. But joyous news: ding dong the gallbladder is out [Tangent: Extra points if the phrase ding dong made you giggle a teench.]. After a couple procedures where they basically sliced me boob to belly button to get the stones out of some kind of duct [Tangent: You can tell I was too doped up to listen to the particulars] and remove the sickly sack of stones, I came out the promise of a happier digestive system. [Tangent: I'm a lady, so I will leave out all the incredible pooping horror stories I heard from fellow gallbladderless peeps, luckily that only lasted a week or two. TMI? Never.]
|the scar on the right is pretty much how mine looks, and then i have 2 more slits...just in time for bikini season!|
The best story I can take away from the surgery is that the doctor's gave me cocaine. Yep, you heard right. Being that I am a fragile little flower, physicians always doubt that I am a tough broad so they never like to give me much pain medicine or anesthesia. Because of this, they have to go to strange lengths to get me to sleep for a procedure. [Tangent: Strange lengths= sticking 10 cotton swabs coated in liquid cocaine into each nostril to numb the area so they could intubate me while I am awake.] This would seem scary to some, but I was stoked at how ridiculous it was and what a good story this would make, hence why I made my mom take photos of it in the surgical prep room. [Tangent: My doctors claimed that taking camera phone photos in a pre-surg room was a first, but after I did it, I saw some residents posing with the liquid cocaine...so I guess I am a trend setter.] I have also learned it makes things a lot less stressful if you try to laugh at them.
|ahhh...if that's not the sexiest thing you have ever seen.|
|tummy time: aunt kimmie edition|
|this is the first day I met her. I am still in the hospital and look disheveled x 10.|
|my oxygen was making a kick ass headband so I could play with/get kicked in the face by my niece.|
This time apart has sucked, but I thank those of you that have sent me threats via fb or comment urging me to get back in the saddle. Fear not, you are about to get bitch slapped in the face with a bunch of blogs, because I had inordinate amounts of disability time, laying around internetless watching terrible daytime TV...so only good things can come from this madness. I just got a call from my father who has finally given into my passive aggressive threats and called the cable company to remedy the situation. Internet will be back Saturday, bitches- prepare yourselves!