Saturday, June 30, 2012

note to selfie...i will miss alex.


 Remember like circa 2010 when I wrote one of my first blogs about my ridiculous coworker/friend Alex. Well in just 2 handfuls of  days, she is leaving my place of business and moving to Costa Rica for three months...meaning she will no longer be just a few desks away ever again. My selfish feelings of "who am I going to text with about terrible pop songs?" and "who am I gonna have email back and forth convos where we try to outcrazy each other with things we find on etsy?"  are diminished because she is leaving me to go work with orphans. [Tangent/Shameless plug: If you wanna read about her journey or throw some money at her to help fund her mission....Visit her blog site: Aly Around the World.] I know - trumped by orphans....wait, that would make a fantastic band name!

As stated before, Alex and I couldn't be more different   [Tangent: She likes Nickelback and Toby Keith and believes women belong in the kitchen...but don't hold that against her. She is awesome and probably the most non judgemental person I know...I mean when you like Nickelback...you can't be!] yet so much alike. We're both shameless and embrace anything that would fall under the umbrella of complete randomness...evidenced by the fact that Facebook says we have 92 friends in common and conversations like this:


Alex: Anytime I eat a spinach leaf salad, I feel like a dinosaur.

Me: Whenever I eat baby corn....I feel like a giant.
 
Plus,  she was one of my first friends when I started the descent into Insuranceland so I am not sure how working without her is gonna be. [Tangent: I should add that the way I knew we should be friends is because I overheard her in the break room one day saying that she cut her hair, she took to the salon a picture of the winner of Rock of Love. Yes....that Rock of Love.] I can only assume quieter and more productive.



There are many things I will miss about my friend while she is gone...so it took me some thinking to figure out the proper sendoff...when it inspiration struck me. One thing that I tease her about is that she is the queen of "sultry selfies" [Tangent: Selfies are those pictures you take of yourself...sometimes making duck lips or just in plain trying to look hot that are then made into instagram or profile picture. They are usually taken in glamourous places like a bathroom or a driver's seat of a car.] Until getting an iPhone and having the option to turn the camera to face me, I never could pull these off, whereas Alex has somehow always been aces at it.. [Tangent: Generally the few times I attempted,  I was left with an upshot up my nose and my left ears. You have to have long arms to pull these off. Something I lack.] So to honor her trip, I decided that I would post some of the selfies she has included me in over the past 4 years.


...and this overdramatic goodbye...which I know she will appreciate...

Friday, June 29, 2012

forgetful jones: the nerdy spokesmodel

this is a muppet named "forgetful Jones"...I found it whilst googling forgetful images...this will all make sense at some point. Right now it just looks like a creepy mustachioed cowboy seducing a toddler.
I remember everything.....I remember that I wore a lime green headband, a rainbow striped baby tee and ill fitting white shorts to my first day of high school orientation. I remember all of the words to each song we sang in my 5th grade play. [Tangent: This was realized when I performed an impromptu living room concert for my boyfriend a couple weeks ago.] I also remember nearly every line to Billy Madison, Clueless, Coming to America and Mean Girls.  All this brain real estate is overwhelmed with such minutiae that I can't remember actual awesome things that have happened until I am reminded of them later.

This decention into dementia has become blaringingly kick in the crotch obvious as of the last year or so. You see, at least once every couple of months, I get a text from someone saying they have seen me on a poster at somewhere or another and I have to remind myself that I posed for a MTSU READ poster nearly five years ago and that they are still scattered hither and yon so I am forever 23. [Tangent: Don't misunderstand this as a humblebrag. Although I do think its the apex of nerdy awesomeness to be a poster child for reading, I am not trying to brag about it.] It was such a bizarre experience to go back to my alma mater a couple years post grad and sit in front of the UC pretending to read a book you have never seen until that day. Its doubly weird that this scenario has been eternal sunshine'd from my mind...until it is brought to my attention via text message. [Tangent: I have yet to pull off something I have wanted to do for years, which is put on the same outfit I wore in the picture and check out that book from the James Walker MTSU Library and go hang out in front of my poster.]

No..this isn't photoshopped. Sorry for the poor quality...it was really hard to find proof on the interweb and i didn't feel like digging for my actual poster

Then while waiting to see Doug Benson at Zanie's, a girl I used to have a bunch of Art classes with came over to take my drink order. While introducing her to my fella, I explained that I knew her because she was a former classmate and she then intervened, "And you were in my documentary. Your part was actually really funny." Wait, hold the effing phone, I would think I would remember if I was in a documentary. [Tangent: If I had remembered this nugget I could have been bragging about it since 2005. It would give me some kind of indie cred...because spoiler alert: knowing all the words to the Full House theme gets me none...and neither does using the term "spoiler alert".]  I was dubious that her claims were unfounded, but after she mentioned that it was about the tearing down of the MTSU Art Barn circa 2005, some nebulous flashback came back of perhaps answering questions while a camera was aimed in my general direction. [Tangent: I wish I could say I was "totally buzzed" or was addicted to pills that semester, which would account for the lost memory, but I am as edgy as a butter knife.] Of course I had to see the final product, to see what a train wreck my appearance was so I gave her my address and she sent me a DVD copy.

Initially, I had wanted to view it alone, because I hate the sound of my voice...so I needed to cringe with no one watching me, but I soon decided that it would be better if I had moral support so I called in Jamie and my mom [Tangent: The latter of whom was angry that I made my film debut in ripped jeans]. Other things I sometimes forget about that I remembered while watching: I used to have a nose ring and apparently dressed like a 14 year old boy. You will have to imagine it because I can't find the dvd.


Perhaps ignorance is bliss afterall.

Monday, June 25, 2012

these people A.R.E family

Last weekend, I got to go to my Valhalla, which happens to be in Gainesboro, Tennessee. Freezing cabins...bugs...90+ degree temperatures outside...but it was utter bliss. I have never laid on a mattress that is possibly made of cornhusks and vinyl and been so incredibly at peace. 

Where was this mystical land where sweating the small stuff becomes insanely hard to do? A.R.E Camp of course. The Alliance for Recreational Empowerment or A.R.E began about 2 years ago when the dream for a place where all kids and young adults with disabilities could have a base support group of volunteers and older people [Tangent; LIKE ME!] who all work together became a reality. [Tangent: I know some people throw around the term family very casually, but everyone at A.R.E camp is someone that I know I could count on if I needed something. Through times of mourning or utter joy- we are united.] The week is filled with singing and dancing and hair dying and pranks and craft projects and tanlines. All the things that camp should be about...wheelchair or no wheelchair.


Unfortunately this year was bittersweet, due to my vacation time being sucked up by medical issues, I could only stay for the weekend. I was so sad leaving my girls behind so I had to live the rest of the week vicariously through pictures posted on facebook by my snap-happy friend Rachel. After looking through these, I dare you not to get involved.











Feeling moved to get involved?

or 

steve harvey keeps it real: part deaux


While I was going through the gall bladder recovery of 2012, I fell into a very predictable daily routine. This routine usually revolved around finding some kind of marathon on Bravo, the History Channel or A&E and having it carry me into my evening programming: Jeopardy and the Feud. [Tangent: I know...I know...I lead a rich life.]

Previously, in this post,  I have written about the train to crazy town Family Feud has taken since Steve Harvey took over hosting duties with Joey Fatone as his announcer. [Tangent: Yep, that's right THAT Joey Fatone. I am curious as to what he and J. Timberlake would talk about over dinner nowadays.  "Ya know the usual I am marrying Jessica Beal and am one of the most sought after musicians of our time. And sometimes just for shits and giggles I make cameos on SNL...but how's that disembodied voice on a syndicated game show gig going?"]
the thin beard...oh the humanity!
If you aren't an avid Feud watcher...maybe per chance you have a life, you don't realize how ridiculously blue the show's questions have gotten. It's almost as if producers are purposely trying to stack the deck in their favor for one of those "Funniest Game Show Moments" shows.

Part of me doesn't believe that they are even polling 100 people anymore...I just kinda figured they are looking for any excuse to use the word "dong" on syndicated TV.  Don't believe me???

Exhibit A: 

What is something a person might do before they weigh themselves to make them appear thinner?



 Exhibit B:


What is someplace "hidden" someone might get a tattoo? 


I hope this reinforces my theory that The Feud is produced by a group of 14 year old boys, and thus the greatest game show in existence.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

"an oddly sexual duck adventure"


When I was younger, my parents made the horrible error of having premium cable, and thus spoiling me for life [Tangent: Part of me envies the children of helicopter parents because they seem so mystical to me, but I know all the words to the Gummi Bears theme song...so I guess I come out the big winner.]. There were a number of movies that I watched more than is healthy for a child under 8...They are as follows:

These are all movies that remain frozen in time and I am hesitant to revisit them because I feel they will not hold up. [Tangent: I know what you are thinking...Soul Man is a movie about C. Thomas Howell in black face...how could that not hold up?] Due to the nostalgic feelings I feel towards these films being my childhood babysitters- I feel I can only be disappointed by reviewing them as an adult. 

This hypothesis proved true last night when I decided to watch Howard the Duck, which my friend Randi referred to as an "oddly sexual duck adventure" [Tangent: Given this was not my first choice for programming...but my parents just got the AT&T U-verse package and I am flustered by the 1800 stations. I feel like I need a compass to navigate through it. I know Bravo is on 181, so I can at least I have that going for me.] Maybe because I originally watched this movie with 8-year-old child like naivete, I didn't realize how creepy it really was.


Basically this little documentary is about a martian duck that is trying to get it on ducky style with Caroline in the City for about an hour and a half [Tangent: It's a total Roger Rabbit/Jessica Rabbit beastiality moment that didn't phase me as a child, but totally takes me out of the movie as an adult. It's not even just harmless flirting- she is all prancing around in her 80's undies in front of her duck friend and his feathers get all ruffled, literally. INAPPROPRIATE! ]


 If you can get past that taboo subplot, you will notice Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller is basically playing his niche role as "man who is trying to hunt down title character for most of the film." 

Also, as is the case with 90% of 80s movies, there is a smokey dangerous looking dance club involved and of course Caroline in the City helms an all ladies punk rock band that in the end sings a rocking song all about her new mutant duck creepy friend that brings the house down. Because that is what 80s movies are all about - interspecies love and mall bangs. 



Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Doug loves movies and me.


While most people I know were spending their Memorial Day posting American flags/bald eagle/troops montages on Facebook or imbibing boxed wine aboard a pontoon boat (usually both), I was at Zanie's sweatin' my arse off watching/geeking out over movies...Doug Benson and Co. and their 4:20 podcast recording of Doug Loves Movies to be more exact. [Tangent: For some odd reason, for someone that has never smoked the weed, pothead culture seems to follow me.]

Prior to the taping, I had only listened to one or two Doug Loves Movies pod casts [Tangent: Since then- I have listened to LOTS MORE...but I basically knew the drill. He plays games with his funny celebrity guests that all revolve around movie trivia.] Thankfully, my friend Ryan reminded me that we needed to make name tags in order to be eligible for glamorous prizes. Because I was internet-less at the time, I spent an afternoon photoshopping at Jamie's to make these dream name tags a reality [Tangent: I also found this key forgotten Mac & Me scene which should bring some ridiculous to your day!] :



Apparently my front row seat...my obnoxious shameless name tag air waving and an amazing Mac & Me concept paid off because Graham Elwood picked my tag and kicked ass at the Leonard Maltin Trivia Game. I guess it couldn't hurt that I twitter-stalked Doug Benson prior to taping.


I won't give everything away, because I want you all to go listen to his podcast HERE. But I did get some stage banter where they talked about who would play me in the inspirational role of ballsy bad ass wheelchair girl.  [Tangent: Mila Kunis? She's my girl I'd go gay for. Perfect! Even though I was shouting "Christopher Reeves"...no one heard.] I consider this my 15 seconds of fame, so let me wallow in it and exploit it as much as possible.

I told Doug to autograph my CD with something wildly inappropriate. His autograph was simple: "9/11!"

me and my pal Nina and her Danny Glover homage name tag

me and Jamie and Graham Elwood, who now follows me on twitter so I better get a RT, and a bag o' prizes (why does my arm look like a buffalo wing? This is why I am trying to gain weight.)

my insane prizes. i think i may go eat those sour skittles right now...

Once again, you should definitely go check out the Doug Loves Movies pod casts which are anywhere from free to $1.99 on itunes! It is worth the cost.

zooversary 2012


Last night at Flying Saucer Trivia night, my friend and fellow blogger, Rae, TOTALLY called me out on my inconsistency of blogging lately so I am semi doing this blog today as a big "SEE!" to Miss Rae. 

Since i was MIA there is a long list on my new robo phone of things that I Had been meaning to write about while internet-less. So lets have a "wayback wednesday" where I write about something that happened last month. Lets think of it like an episode of Lost- this would be like a flashback. [Tangent: Only my blog doesn't leave you angry...hopefully...]

Last month, I celebrated one year since the day I met my ginger. [Tangent: Yep...that's right. I have mindfreaked him into staying with me for over 365 days without having to sever his limbs off or chain him to a drain pipe. Clearly I have been watching too much Criminal Minds as of late.]  



How did two cosmically nerdy/awesome people stumble upon each other? It's kind of a ridiculous story and one I have never blogged about, so I thought I should share. Here goes.

Jamie and I met when I was a registered lurker on a Moustache May website that a couple of my male friends were participating in [Tangent: yeah...let that sink in. I know it sounds weird like I have some odd fetish...which is not entirely true. The truth is, I wanted to be able to comment on pictures so I joined the other sisters, wives, folliclly inferior friends and significant others that were on the site as registered lurkers.] I had seen his pictures and thought he was ridiculous and seemed nice enough. What can I say, this photo intrigued me: 


A couple days into may and a few back and forth comments later, and I started following him on Twitter and after reading through his backlog (because i am a teench stalkery). We had a casual back and forth about music. [Tangent: He was impressed that I could name a Tom Waits song and liked Americana music...and I enjoyed the fact that his grammar was impeccable and he never used web wackronyms like lol. Plus, as mentioned time and time again- gingers are my kryptonite.] Based on simply the fact that he seemed like a fun guy, I invited him to come eat taco-y goodness before this moustache party that we both were planning on attending. He got a bit tipsy and kept messaging me that he missed me and wished I would come back after I left. 


After a courtship revolving around passive flirtation via Twitter and endless games of cell phone scrabble, we decided to go on an actual date. I guess the rest is history.


To celebrate one year of happiness, we decided to do something we both have been talking about doing since day one- spend a day at the Nashville Zoo. [Tangent: I haven't been to the zoo since I was young and my friend's father referred to two lions mating as "lions making love" which for some reason is a phrase that will never be erased from my consciousness.] Aside from seeing these awesome animals, which I immortalized via instagram, to make my photography skills seem less shitty.

this guy loved to pose.

i wanted to ride him

 This last picture probably has the best story behind it.  Not unlike the lions when I was a child, these long necked animals were about to make love...at least the male was. It was really uncomfortable to one minute just be watching a mama, a baby and a daddy giraffe walk around a pseudo-savannah and then realize, "whoah...that giraffe has a boner!" We were not alone hanging out being peeping toms...seeing if the lady giraffe was gonna go for it [Tangent: ...or if they were gonna go at it right in front of their baby.] there were several others that noted the new development and weren't going anywhere. The people next to us brought their toddler, who was already getting bored with the giraffes following each other around, when the parents tried to quiet the kid with a juicebox ...as they were whipping out their camera phones and giggling like 12 year olds. [Tangent: This was not the only memorable moment. I now know what an albino wallaby erection looks like, and I saw a goose attack a group of Asian children...but to be honest they were asking for it. All of these seemed like reasons to become a season pass holder.]

However, the real highlight involved no animals at all...it was the Dinotrek exhibit...which was basically a bunch of animatronic dinosaurs hidden in the woods that made strained dino-sounds or squirted water or something to that degree. It was as much fun as $5 surcharge can buy you...if nothing else than for the ability to take ridiculous pictures like these. 




  Ok. I will leave you with one of my favorite videos...and promise to be more consistent...



Friday, June 15, 2012

Push girls on film

God knows I love a reality show, so when i first saw the ad in US Weekly [Tangent: Don't judge...I get it for free and didn't subscribe. But its not like I can throw it away...I have to read it and see who wore what best...otherwise Kim Kardashains face is just constantly teasing me from the back of the toilet.] for a new Sundance docu-series about 4 sassy gals in wheelchairs called Push Girls- I knew I must watch this. Although, it appeared to be something that I was really gonna like, I braced myself for eye rolling.

[Tangent: When I was a sophomore in college, circa 2002, I was obsessed with MTV True Life. When my University's disabled student listserve (yeah..its a thing) sent me an email announcing that they were casting True Life: I'm in a Wheelchair- naturally I wrote a letter of why I would make a fascinating subject. I remember clearly really trying to make myself sound fascinating and leaving out particulars like I spent most evenings eating canned corn and watching Trading Spaces. The producers must have bought it because I got a call a few days later telling me to start working out a shooting schedule and gaining clearance from MTSU housing etc. I did all of these things and started planning outtings and outfits to make myself seem way more interesting, only to have them call day before and tell me that they decided to go another way. Another way included a paralyzed girl who had made it her goal to get laid by the end of the episode. How could my marathons of America's Next Top Model possibly compete with that kind of mission statement? It couldn't...so I moved on and became a cynical bitch to anything that involved diabilities portrayed in primetime. ]

It was obvious that these lovely ladies were really gonna have to sell me on their stories, given that I have a harsh bias against these shows. I was also slightly irritated that they were all paralyzed [Tangent: Not that their stories aren't always more compelling, because let's face it- they are. Being born a result of a genetic mutation or birth defect is harder to sell than a tragic fall into a quarry. I agree wholeheartedly as a journalism student. As a disabled woman however, I think there is always gonna be a slight division between lifers and newbies. Its the cripps (tee hee) vs bloods of the disabled world...ok maybe not...but I think there is some divisiveness that I have noticed.]

However, I was determined to give it a fair shake.After watching for a few minutes, my eyes weren't rolling even though it seemed the girls all had a definite casting angle (ex wife of asian dude from 21 Jump Street; wheelchair hip-hop dancer; bi-sexual...etc.). They all actually were pretty likable and funny and to me. slightly relatable. Like when they were all hanging out together and commenting that they "never thought they would hang out with other people in wheelchairs because it seemed to draw weird attention." This is totally true. I always joke that its like some kids from "the center" missed their bus when I hang out with my fellow friends on wheels. Oddly enough, I even liked the show's slogan- "If you can't stand up- stand out." Damn, that's super clever...why did I never think of that?

After the two premiere episodes, I respected that it focused on how normal they were and didn't try to make it inspirational. Thank god its Sundance and not the Hallmark Network. To me it was a lot less like some TLC exploitation and more like Real Housewives: Wheelchair edition.

Don't worry ladies, you have been set to DVR...if you need a token genetic mutant for season 2, I am your gal. I will just have to find an angle.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

revenge of the nerd

Once again, I had a meaningful blog near completion, when I got pulled off topic by facebook absurdity [Tangent: And for once I am not talking about the people who tell you what they are eating everyday. No I don't care about your tuna sandwich, but it's your prerogative to document it's existence. I am also not talking about the amount of passive aggression that goes down on facebook. Ex: I really hate it when someone who calls himself your friend goes behind your back and makes out with your girlfriend at the Steeplechase.] I had just logged on to leave a status and saw this hiding in my margins alongside an ad telling me so and so "liked" Helman's Mayonaise so I should, too.

This is just one of those things you cannot "unsee" which led me to begin furiously [or is it Furry-ously] google "adult animal robe," which by the way is one of those things you probably shouldn't google around the kids. Just a helpful tip. [Tangent: Also stay away from seemingly innocuous things like "water sports" or any phrase like "animal lover."] I soon learned that the ads were advertising this product...and that this product indeed existed. Viva la adult plush onesie!







You may be thinking, "Why is everyone Asian?" [<--- No, that's not racist.] Well the reason is because these aren't furry suits exactly, but are apparently being marketed to the Anime/Cosplay community....which is an area of pop culture I know absolutely nothing about.

I realized this when I spent my Easter weekend at the Tattoo and Horror Convention in downtown Nashville, which was sharing a venue with the Anime convention. [Tangent: If you haven't seen a guy in a homemade Pikachu costume walking down Broadway...you clearly are not living.] I mean I figured Anime was all big eyed nonsensical cartoons that sent Japanese kids into epileptic fits. As I learned by momentarily getting lost in the Nashville convention center, My Little Ponies and even Alice in Wonderland characters were considered Anime.

 If I cared, I probably would have learned something....but I don't. Anyway I was too busy getting my picture taken with Robert Carradine at the Tattoo and Horror Convention [Tangent: Lets just gloss over the fact that the man who played Lewis Skullnik and Lizzie Mcguire's Dad is not the first person you would expect to see at a convention where every other person has a neck tat.]
I realize that this picture would look better if I was dressed in a kangaroo onesie, but I'll just have to save that for when I get my picture taken with Anthony Edwards or the guy that played "Booger."
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