For those of you
new to my life, you may not know that after college, and before my
current job in InsuranceLand- I worked at a retail establishment that
rhymes with Schmictoria’s Schmecret for about 3 years. For those of you that can figure out obvious clues, I will tell you that I didn’t work amid thongs and balconnet bras; I worked exclusively in VS Beauty, where I daily coated my face in shimmer between customers and always came home smelling like a baby prostitute
[Tangent: To the point where I would blow my nose sometimes and glitter
would come out, literally. This is how I imagine Tinkerbell’s snot looks. Btw: Tinkerbell’s Snot will be the name of my hypothetical all girl metal band.]. It was part of my job description to look polished. Such a glamorous life making under $8 an hour.
Since then, I have become decidedly less groomed. [Ex:
Today despite having a pimple bindi style in the middle of my forehead,
I decided against covering it up, because I was running late, and opted
instead to rock it proudly. In fact I only further highlighted it by pulling my shaggy bangs off my forehead with a headband. If you are gonna go, go balls (or pimples) out.] The Kimmie of today doesn’t give a damn but is striving everyday to not become a glamour don’t/”before” on What Not To Wear.
In order to step up my game, I have recently tried to keep my nails
painted, because something about putting lacquer on my nails is super
relaxing and makes me feel like I am somehow using my useless art minor.
Because I am a tremendous puss, I of course started out only having various shades of nude and taupe. [Tangent: TRES EDGY! ] The stores however, with their crazy diversified color selections have lured me into completely embracing some other nail trends that seem to be all the rage among fashion bloggers. Now, I can be seen pink polka dots on the daily- helping me find the girly-ness that somehow has gotten lost in the shuffle.
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ta-da! |
After reading a negative review of the new press on manicures [aka Lee Press-Ons 2.0] by Lauren at Old Red Boots- my mind started bursting with commentary on manicure matters. [Tangent: Why are press-on manicures making a comeback? I know they make sense in theory, but they are only being held on my a sticker. I remember my sister wore them to her 8th grade dance and lost most of them by the time my mom picked her up before curfew. As I recall, she ended up
leaving some of them between the couch cushions at a friends house.
That visual has kept me from purchasing the revamped Sally Hansen package every time I pass them at the drug store.] Thankfully Old Red Boots confirmed that they are still terrible, even in their 2012 version.
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whenever I see these, I see them as a sponsor of some 80s game show |
On the other hand, I have sort of fallen in love with crackle polish, which I impulse bought in triplicate when I saw it in a clearance basket on the end caps at Walgreen’s. The
first time I tried it, with red layered over gunmetal gray, I was
horrified. My nails looked like Freddy Kreugger flesh, which was not
exactly the aesthetic I was aiming for.
The sparse directions on the bottle were terrible and made me
temporarily regret doling out $3 on these products. After some googling and asking around, I learned there is a secret to making it look funky and not tragic.
- Apply 2 coats of a good quality polish.
- Apply a ridiculous thick coating of Crackle.
- DO NOT SECOND COAT THE CRACKLE EVEN THOUGH THE DUMB ASS BOTTLE TELLS YOU TO!
- Clear coat the whole shebang so its not bumpy as hell.
- Enjoy the magic.
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I still can't tell if this looks good or bad. |
That manicure type,
because of all the layers, seems to stay put pretty well, which is key
if you are a slacker with maintaining things. But don’t confuse it for the disease that is chunky glitter polish. [Tangent: It is like a terrible boyfriend, it looks pretty on the surface, but it so hard to get rid of.] I’m the girl that has made myself late to work because I underestimated the daunting task of scrubbing chunky glitter topcoat off my nails. If you have never done it before, imagine the futility of taking a cotton ball and scrubbing it over steel wool. If you don't mind awkward tactility- then go for it! [Tangent: I mean it can be mighty pretty.]
It would almost be a better idea to keep adding more glitter to cover the bare patches forever. That is basically what you are up against…if there is an easier way to get rid of the herpes of polish, please let me know…or tell me I am being hyperdramatic.
Ok…now off to fix this debacle…
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no filter needed for this breed of ugly. |