Thursday, January 10, 2013

i lost on jeopardy, baby

My bucket list is a shallow one. The things I want to do are pretty reasonable: put some stamps in my passport; have my makeup done by a drag queen..etc.  However, "be a contestant on a game show" is one I just can't seem to cross off.  [Tangent: We all know that I have a not-so-guilty love of all things involving trivia, time limits or lightning rounds. I mean, I have dedicated blogs to my weird obsession with Supermarket Sweep, Family Feud and Let's Make a Deal.]

In college, my neighbor and I were first in line when the Wheel Mobile visited the MTSU campus one Saturday. Although I think Wheel of Fortune takes little to no skill, and I was unsure if I would even be able to reach the big wheel to “give it a spin,” I saw it a means to reaching my goal . Sadly, after watching some local factory workers miss the obvious ‘Before and After’ clues, we didn’t even get called to the stage, and all I got was a Wheel of Fortune retractable pen, which went Bankrupt the second time I used it.


I should have learned my lesson, because the previous summer, when I was fresh outta High School and possibly still sporting do rags as a fashion statement, my dad and I on an adventure endured heat stroke and a self-inflicted bout of heartburn to try out for Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (This was during the pre-Meridith Vierra days; The Regis Philbin hosted hayday of the series.).  I apparently did pretty well on all the written tests because I made it all the way to the judging panel and have been wading in the contestant pool for the last 9 years. Perhaps they were concerned about boosting my ass into the high stool or that the scary over dramatic lighting might induce seizure, which, let’s be honest, are valid concerns.

Third times a charm, right? I thought so, anyway, because last week I decided to sign up for Jeopardy after seeing on last week's airing that they were looking for contestants in the Nashville area. Immediately, I went to the website and signed up to take the online smartness test. [Tangent: I am pretty delusional. Apparently I assumed the categories were gonna be "90s Simpsons episodes," "Song titles" and "John Stamos" and had not prepared myself for all the questions that might require knowledge of The Bible or Geography. Yikes.

etsy gold.
Yesterday, I finally took the test which consisted of about 50 questions, which made me feel like I should be back on the short bus. [Tangent: It's the same defeated feeling I get when I leave 5 pegs on the peg board at Cracker Barrell. That's worse than an ignor-a-moose. It's so dumb there is no witty put down inscribed on the wood. That's a rough feeling. ] If you ever want to be put into your place go and take the practice tests online.  You may think you are such a trivia master when you are at home sweeping the  categories "John Hughs films" or "Fast Food Jingles,"  but then a moustache-less Alex Trebek will bitch slap you into submission. He'll make you realize in his condescending manner that you are not as smart as you thought you were. Take em out, Weird Al!

12 comments:

  1. I've dreamed of being a contestant on either Wheel of Fortune or, my holy grail, The Price is Right since I was little. I have a feeling that if I DID get on The Price is Right, though, I'd be stuck with one of the stupid games, like the one where you have to guess if the price is the current one or the old one and not Plinko, which I consider to be the best game on the planet.
    And if I got on Wheel of Fortune, I would never use a free play to get a consonant.

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    1. I agree. Plinko is the holy grail... Then comes the golf one and the mountainclimber

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  2. Man alive, I would love to get to watch you on Jeopardy! That show kind of blows me away...how people can retain THAT much information. If info is not useful to me on a regular basis, it shoots out of my head like mist. Needless to say, I suck at trivia.

    Before I got married, my maiden name meant that I shared a name with a girl who won a TV on the Price Is Right in the 80's. She talked about it on her Playboy profile. The name isn't very common so for some reason, the guy that I was dating was convinced that it was ME who was in Playboy in the 80's and who won the TV on The Price Is Right. Even after I told him over and over that it wasn't. Even after I bought the magazine on eBay and showed him the photos. It was crazy! I guess all permed brunettes in the 80's looked like each other. I ramble a lot in your comment fields. Block me. I couldn't blame you.

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    1. NEVER! As someone that rambles incessantly, I completely enjoy your yarns. I also like that your celeb name match is a former gameshow contestant/playmate. That's quite a feat.

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    2. oh my gosh. i love that you had to buy the magazine to convince him! what??

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    3. you need to apply for drag u. that is my DREAM show to be on!

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    4. Rae! I really should! I want raja to make me beautiful! If he can do it for Tyra- he can do it for me

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  3. I just want David Tutera to make over (and by makeover I mean "pay for") my wedding.
    As long as we're sharing TV dreams.

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  4. Because I can never resist an opportunity to brag about myself, I was on Wheel of Fortune!!!

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    1. I am green with envy!!! Did you win? Did you go bankrupt? How does Pat Sajak smell? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!

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  5. Nah, I sucked! I mean, the wheel sucked! I got the first toss-up and was kicking butt for the first round... and then I hit a bankrupt. I think I spun the wheel one more time after that, landed on "Lose a Turn" and never got to spin again. Heartbreaking, right?

    Pat was super nice... and, I know it doesn't sound possible, but he's even more tan in person. Vanna came to our dressing room before everything started and I almost didn't recognize her. She was wearing, like, yoga pants and a sweater and no make-up. It was awesome.

    It was probably the coolest experience of my life. And I'm married. With two kids.

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    1. That is incredible! I was on an elevator with Aaron Neville once and I feel like it was a pivotal moment in my life. Seeing people in regular clothes is so jarring!

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