Wednesday, February 6, 2013

2 months down

Despite having a blog and thus opening my ramblings up to strangers, I try not to write too much about private stuff and thus, I haven't written too much about dad in a while. [Tangent: It was especially hard not to write about him being sick given I am my fathers daughter and try to move on as normal when stuff gets hard.]. The other day, I realized that was unfair because maybe something I will write would resonate with someone who has recently lost a loved one, or if nothing else, it will help to keep his memory alive.

Even though he has been gone two months to the day, I find myself everyday asking "what would dad think about this?" or thinking that he is just in the other room. [Tangent: This morning...I almost yelled, "Dad!! ANSWER THE PHONE!"] He was always the first to volunteer to help someone with completely unsolicited advice, and I am even starting to miss that. [Tangent: As my father/roommate, I can't tell you how many times I would be leaving the house to go to some part of town that I had been to one million times, and dad would yell directions at me as I went out the door. Usually these directions were laced with "shortcuts" which were not on google maps and which were not at all shortcuts, but instead detours down crazy narrow, but "scenic" winding roads. Usually, I nodded along, but went my own way as soon as I got in the car.]With all these changes in my insurance and job stuff, I might actually be soliciting some advice these days. It's pretty spot on that you don't know what you got till its gone.

 It  may sound self congratulating, but I am impressed by the way I have handled his passing, but that's not to say there aren't times I get so sad that I can't share really mundane everyday stuff with him. The other day mom and I went and saw Argo, and I was bummed he wasn't there, because I knew that he had seen the commercials when he was in the hospital and on hospice and badly wanted to see it. [Tangent: Argo was what I considered a "Dad movie" because anything that involved espionage, politics or historical time frames, was designated to see with him...mostly so he could explain to me what the hell happened when it was over. Not saying I am a dullard, but sometimes my mind doesn't work that way. I would make a really shitty spy.] As we were leaving, I told mom that I was sad daddy couldn't have come with us, but that I knew he would have been really proud that we got through it and fully understood everything without having to play 20 questions in the car ride home.

As a family, we have also tried hard to share dad's memory and I think that really helps. [Tangent: Although I think my doggie Newman and Andre still don't know what's going on.] This afternoon, my best friend (and adopted family member) is coming to pick up his worn-in cowboy boots which she wore for Halloween one year and had a very hard time giving back.  Then, on Friday, we spent the evening boxing up some of his books to take to his friends at the Williamson County Democratic Party.  My father was an insanely hard person to buy gifts for because he would always treat himself to things and was a chronic returner, so when in doubt I bought him the latest best seller by an ex-president or by some far left author. [Tangent:It wasn't even that he was really a big book reader, but I guess they looked impressive on the shelf or laying on the coffee table. At least they informed visitors of his voting proclivities. ] Before he got sick, I used to joke that when he died I was going to start a library with all this tomes called the "Jim Jones Memorial Library of Political Propaganda that he Never Read." He always laughed...I guess he didn't realize that he had raised a girl of her word.

oh..don't worry there are magazines too!
Day by day, we are getting through it and it is getting easier. I am exceedingly thankful to be surrounded by the most awesome friends and family in the world. Many of you said that you wanted to know more about Mesothelioma, so at some point I will write a "Dummy's Guide to Cancer of the Lining of the Lung" but until then here is Wiki's take. [Tangent: Spoiler alert: Steve McQueen died of Mesothelioma, my dad is in good company. I am sure they are cursing asbestos and being badasses somewhere together as you read this.]


  1. I was very sad to read about the passing of your dad, especially since you were so close with him. I am also a little jealous (of course not of his passing) but that it sounds like such a wonderful relationship. I don't have a very great relationship with my parents and it is something I struggle with frequently.
    On a slightly funny note, becoming a mom has made me worry and dread the day that I may not be here anymore with them. Of course being devastated to leave my babies I have often thought, boy would it suck if I died right before I get to watch the series finale of "Grays Anatomy"!

  2. It totally just breaks my heart to think about you losing your Dad. I know how much I love my Dad and you's just so hard to imagine not having him around. He nags me and I nag him and I know that I'd miss the good times...and the nagging too.. I know he would have been tickled by you donating those books to the Democratic Party office! One of my Mom's best friends also died of Mesothelioma and as so happens many times, by the time that he found out that he had it, he had very little time left. I'm so sorry, hon. I know he was and continues to be proud of you.

    1. Thanks love. Yeah it's a terrible disease and so many have been misdiagnosed for years. So sad


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