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this little ass hole |
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an artist's rendering |
True to form, I didn't wanna disturb the class and have someone help me to the bathroom, so I opted to just pee right there and hope no one would notice. [Tangent: I remember rationalizing it by telling myself that I was wearing a yellow dress and that was good as urine camoflage. Totally rational...at least for a 7-year-old.] If I recall correctly, it wasn't just a dribble either...it was a good healthy amount of pee running all over my dress and in every tiny nook and cranny of my rolly chair. Clearly, my Kool Aid Squeez-its at lunch were running right through me.
Somehow my table mates were too busy eating paste or something, because somehow no one had noticed! In fact, I seamlessly got through the entire class period without anyone being any the wiser that they had a chair wetter in their midst. Everything seemed totally copasetic until we went to watch a filmstrip [Tangent: Again...totally showing my age.], and somone sitting next to me touched my dress.
"Why is your dress wet?"
BUSTED. I somehow quickly covered my ass by lying to this poor first grader and telling her that the water fountain had gotten outta control. Tale as old as time, but she totally bought it and went on watching the film strip. Children are gullible.
After that the rest of the day was a blur and I tried to block the whole incident out altogether, until a couple years ago when I was telling my mom this very story, when I got the best ending possible... 20 years after the fact.
Apparently, parent/teacher night was soon after my humilating moment and as my sweet sweet angel of a teacher was walking around giving the tour, she stopped my parents to admire my cute little rolly chair, which I can only assume smelled like a urinal cake. She said, "I'm not sure what happened. I guess a cat got into the classroom over night."
Yes, that's right...I bamboozled everyone by playing it cool [Tangent: This will go down in my personal history as the only time this has happened.] and somehow got them to believe a stray had gotten into the room and targeted my sweet little seat. If I ever doubt there is a god, I need to just rewind to that day because somehow I had gotten out of this whole experience and evaded years of personal torture by my peers [Tangent: You know it happens, if you fart during the pledge of allegience or have a stutter in 3rd grade, that shit will haunt you till high school graduation.] and even inadvertently got it blamed on a ghost cat!
Kimmie! HA HA! I'm gonna start callin you Kimmie Dribbler (play on Gibbler, though I know your Full House flooded mind caught that faster than a roach flees a well lit room) I will call you that until I feel you have paid your proper dues in the school nickname department ;) ....jk, you're a peach.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I hate you YM. You taught me how to be anorexic/bulimic through your "True Stories" and it followed me for a decade. Funny how ironically the "How not to's" become tip sheets for silly young girls ;)
Yes, between Dateline, 20/20 and teen magazines- you basically got how to tutorials on how to screw up your life. And my folks were worried about MTV!
DeleteBoth you and Eartha have me struggling to remember my embarrassing moment and I am drawing a blank!!! I'm sure I had more than my fair share but I must have blocked them out??? I'll keep thinking, and you guys keep telling your stories...HILARIOUS!!! Ghost cat!
ReplyDeleteI am sure you have some amazing childhood stories. I should have dared all bloggers to do battle with their most traumatizing moment.
Deletehahah! oh my gosh! poor little kimmie. i remember having to change at school once. i think i was in first grade and i can vividly remember stuffing those wet overalls into a plastic bag. so embarrassing! i wish i had the thought to blame it on a rogue cat!
ReplyDeleteYES! That happened to me in pre-school...and I still remember the "loaner pants" i had to wear were red corderoy...and it was one of those situations where by looking at my other outfit components, it was painfully obvious that it was not what I had worn to school. It was a totally red flag that I had pissed myself.
DeleteCracking me up!! Oh wow, you were a resourceful little kid, weren't you? It's so interesting that you were all "I'll just pee right here." I can see now how you're going to be when you become a granny one day! And I love that it was blamed on a cat. I have cats and honestly, I wouldn't put it past them to break into schools and pee on things. They're rogue and nasty like that. This post made my day.
ReplyDeleteI know, I am lazy...and apparently always have been :) I probably didn't intend on peeing to that extent.
Deletehahah, love it! That is hilarious! Thanks for bringing up YM! I thought that was SO cool!
ReplyDelete