Friday, April 5, 2013

I ain't missing you at all.

Disclaimer: I wrote this at the wee hours of the morning. Coherency may not have been my strength. 

Ugh. Hummus. You hurt so good. I have no ability to know when to put down the cracker and push away from the tub. For this reason I am up at 2:16am with my long lost pal,stomach pain. It's been so long since I've had any even tinge of belly discomfort, that I almost forgot what it felt like.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep of perchance the familiar tongue coating of crushed Tums tablets, but I'm reminded that I don't have a gall bladder anymore. I'm approaching 1 year gallbladder free ! [Tangent: not unlike a substance abuse problem, my gallbladder basically ruined mylife for a solid 2 months last year. I lost weight to the point that I looked like a refugee.  I was in and out of the hospital and I was a complete bitch to be around. I was also doped up on morphine and Tramadol a good chunk of that time so I guess the drug angle isn't that far off.] You may remember the Kimmie vs gallbladder bouts documented here... here... and here..but how am I now?

The fact that I haven't puked or writhed in pain like someone delivering a litter of hedgehogs in the last year boggles my mind. [Tangent: not to be graphic...but I'm about to. Over the years, I've become semi pro at vomiting. Items I've been forced to puke into given My less than stellar digestive tract include purses, coffee mugs and floral vases.] had I known all my adult life that so much agony could be taken away by pulling out what I like to imagine looks like a snack sized Ziploc baggie of Aquarium gravel- I swear I would gotten my sickly organ out years ago.
this could be in your thoracic cavity!
Although the surgery proved to be a big undertaking because my tiny frame makes things hard and they had to open me up like an alien autopsy instead of just doing it laparoscopically, I'm so happy it's no longer in my body!  I thank it every time I eat a bacon and cheese five guys burger. Suck it gallbladder! I don't miss you at all!

I could probably even dominate this Luther Vandross burger with donut bun.

 Frankly, I'm up for getting rid of any and all useless organs. I wish I'd had the forethought to ask them to grab my tonsils and appendix while they had me under the influence.[Tangent:  I'm petite and looking to downsize, after all. Make room for more hummus.]

This year gall bladder free has been AMAZING so I thought I would  I dedicate the following to that horrid sack of calcified junk that drove me to insanity last year. I think you can hand sing along to at least the title.

6 comments:

  1. Wow, so glad that are free of all that pain. I can't imagine. It's always nice to be able to eat what you like and not be in complete pain.

    xo,
    Em

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know... I seriously think everyone should just get their gallbladder removed at birth!!

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  2. So sorry boo, I hope you begin feeling better soon :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'm fine. Really it wasnt bad compared to all that other stomach mess.

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  3. I also told my gallbladder "It's not me, it's you" several years ago. I agree, all useless organs need to roll.

    Adrienne
    What Lola Wants

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LIFE HAS BEEN GRANDE WITHOUT IT FOR THE LAST YEAR! <-- all caps

      Delete

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