Friday, May 31, 2013

doug loves movies taping: a memorial day tradition!

As soon as we heard a few months back that Doug Benson and Co. were doing a live Doug Loves Movies podcast taping on Memorial Day at Zanie's, my ginger, my friend Ryan and I knew that our attendance was semi-mandatory.

Last year (as you may remember from this post), we attended and Graham Elwood, one of the comedian panelists, won me a sack full of random prizes based on his movie knowledge and  my Mac & Me themed name tag. [Tangent: I know...I know. Backup....Rewind. What the hell kinda jibberish am I spewing? I realized after trying to explain the layout of the podcast to my mother that it is REALLY hard to explain what goes on at these things, but I will attempt. Basically, the podcast is for movie nerds, so audience members bring with them movie themed Nametags so they will get selected for the finale: The Leonard Maltin Game. In this game, the comedic panelists will try to guess a movie given a category (Example: What's in the box?: Movies where Gwenyth Paltrow is pregnant) and very little additional information. They will then wager back and forth how many actors names it will take for them to guess the movie (this is working backwards. So the first few actors will be ones with very minor roles.) Whichever panelist does this the most times/or fails at it the least wins a prize pack for their selected audience member. Clear as mud? Well, shit...I guess you should just go listen to it here. ]

For weeks, we have been bouncing around name tag ideas. Ryan's was a no-brainer, because as any good man-child does- he owns a replica hoverboard from Back to the Future, but me and Jamie were struggling. Luckily, as you know- I have half-assed photoshop skills, so I made something happen.
yes. I'm blurry on purpose. thanks effects panel!

The whole show was really fun and there was about a 30 minute period where the Fast and the Furious franchise was mocked in depth, so I was of course on board. [Tangent: I am proud to say I have never seen a Fast and the Furious movie...or any Vin Diesel film for that matter. I am 100% OK with that. ] Of course, photography is prohibited during the show, but here are some I snapped before and after. [Tangent: Whenever I go to Zanie's, I usually go to chat with the performers after. They are amazingly nice 100% of the time. Matt Mira, the cohost of The Nerdist podcast was one of the panelists and he was sincerely a really awesome guy. ]
I told them to look excited with their name tags...this is all they gave me

Family picture with Matt Mira. Look how short bus I look! Gah!
Also, while we were talking to them after, I reminded Doug how I like people to autograph things for me super inappropriately so in the future or if someone should someday find my belongings in a 2070 estate sale, they will think, "Wow, what the hell is this about?" Last year Doug simply signed my CD "9/11! -Doug Benson. This is how he signed this year:

  I urge you to get addicted to this podcast as I am, or go see Doug Benson when he comes to town.   You'll thank me later! [Tangent: Seriously, if you have a smartphone and a commute to work and are not addicted to's high time you subscribed to some.]

Monday, May 27, 2013

in memorium

Despite knowing all the words to 2 Lee Greenwood songs [Tangent: Yeah...there's more than one and my elementary school drilled them into me.], I've never considered myself an overtly patriotic person. I mean I love fireworks and get fired up around election time, but I grew up in the shadows of a virtual Uncle Sam, a man who once gave me a pocket edition of the constitution to carry around with me.  As the Memorial Day holiday winds down I started I started taking inventory of what it's really all about and it's something that hasn't really hit me until this year without dad. [Tangent: No, it's not about mattress sales (which are oddly popular) or posting things on Facebook that say "if you don't like this picture you hate veterans" (and probably Jesus and puppies too)]

My dad was a veteran and although he wasn't a lifer like some who made it their career to be in the armed service, my daddy took great pride in being in the Navy during Vietnam. [Tangent: Like he drove me through a national cemetary to teach me to drive. At the time, this didn't seem that weird. That was just dad.] While my dad was alive we always used to joke that he wasn't really in the war that he was off on a boat somewhere getting drunk and playing grabass while people were in tunnels getting shot at  [Tangent: That was just the nature of our relationship.]  We always kinda joked that he was in the safest most glam place compared to his other servicemen. I really couldn't have seen how wrong I was back then and really wished I would have taken him more seriously.

In December, my dad died from mesothelioma , which as you know, [Tangent: if you don't fast forward through your daytime TV commercials], is a cancer we now have learned is caused by asbestos.  He got this exposure while he was presumably safe from danger on a boat. A very old boat that was loaded full of asbestos.Although, he didn't lose an arm or leg in the trenches, he fought his battle much after the war ended and now look at his service as truly something he gave his life for. [Tangent: this is a very abstract thought for me since I never knew my dad as a sailor.]
Maybe it's to make myself feel better, but part of me feels this is how daddy would have wanted to go. He fought bravely and didn't surrender until he had no choice and he did so for his county

Every national holiday- my dad and his local veterans group held a blood drive with the Red Cross. This was my dads thing. This Memorial Day is the first time dad wasn't around to help organize and hound donors over the phone [Tangent: My daddy was never shy about calling in a favor. ]  so they held it in his memory. Unfortunately I don't weigh enough to give blood (I know...skinny girl problems. Right? Waaah!), but mom and I went there anyway to the democratic headquarters this morning to deliver some of dad's books and say hi to his friends. Seeing his friends all teary eyed made me teary eyed. [Tangent: to me crying is like yawning. It's contagious. To quote a piece of classic American cinema, Steel Magnolias: "No one cries alone in my presence."]]

my dad addressing his second family.

I feel like this is the first time the gravity of the holiday has hit me. I'm not sure what it all means but I can't promise armed with this renewed sense of patriotism that I won't cry next time I hear Neil Diamond's America. [Tangent: Also, do me a favor. I don't ask you all of you to do stuff for me very often. Blood is shed everyday for needless reasons. Shed some with a purpose. Give blood.]

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Disney Concierges part 2! Yes, there's more!

After writing this post yesterday, I have been further reading what other periodicals and blogs have to say about it and everyone seems totally to think that it is malicious and a dastardly process. Like I imagine they think Cruella Deville herself is the one doing the hiring of these poor pitiful disabled people. [Tangent: And that's where I take issue.  It negates that anyone in a wheelchair has no free will....that they are incapable of making a choice.]

I agree that the practice of hiring a person in a wheelchair is slightly morally despicable and an abuse of the system....but I don't feel like it is abuse to or an unfair treatment of those disabled individuals (unless they do away with the practice of letting disabled to the front of the line because of it.). People are going on like they are being held on leashes and being sold into slavery...Good god, people. They are making $1000+ a day!!!

Those tour "concierges" are getting compensated...and handsomely at that. So it really seems like it is a mutually agreed upon business deal. It is explotative- YES...but so is being an underwear model or a circus act or a Hooter's waitress...but people do it everyday.

Maybe it's just me and my ploclivity to defend the unpopular viewpoint, but I don't think this practice deserves to be seen with the ire that it has. I mean, are we really shocked that rich people will pay ridiculous money for something to prove their superiority?  NO! I mean did we think Farnsworth Bentley was  being exploited when Puffy Diddy Dirty Money was too good to hold his own umbrealla? NO! We thought, wow what an easy gig! [Tangent: And not to mention he used this opportunity to launch a book, a line of designer umbrellas and a gig on Outkast's The Love Below (a personal favorite!)]

Do I think it's crazy? Absolutely. Do I think it will probably end soon? No. There is absolutely no way to monitor it and I really don't think its that rampant a practice either. It's kinda just the hot shocking story of the moment.

The real injustice in the whole situation, the one that is being ignored because people are focusing on the wheelchair contingent, is that these rich Manhattanites are teaching their kids that money will make you superior to others. But if anything this scenario, at least, means someone in a wheelchair is getting gainful employment that does not exclude, but rather is EXCLUSIVE to them because of their disability. I don't know if that is just me wearing rose colored glasses or not...but it's pretty true when you peel away the layers.

I'm sure I will somehow get people turning up their noses at me for once again taking an abject view as an advocate. [Tangent: But again, I never claimed to be politically all!] But if anything, I think this whole thing is empowering. The chair holds the power and is something desirable that these 1% want. Maybe it's good for those bratty little kids to be around someone for several hours who has a different lot in life. [Tangent: That would be the greatest silver lining in the situation. All kids could seriously benefit from spending time around someone who is different. Then they won't become ignorant slackjawed adults. They will go from seeing someone in a chair as something to be feared or mocked to someone they had a lot of fun with at an amusement park.] Let's see the brightside and stop assuming all those "poor pathetic cripples" are being taken for granted.

  Let the hate mail begin.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

handi hitching disney style: It's a capitalistic world, after all!

So, while I was on my mental two week hiatus from the blogosphere, I was inundated with texts/fb posts/carrier pigeons imploring me to address this story  has recently hit the media. [Tangent: If you are too lazy to click the link or too busy to watch the 3 minute video below, here is the Cliff's Notes version: Rich people are hiring disabled people to escort them to theme parks and paying them over $1000 daily for their services due to most theme park's policy to let people in wheelchairs go to the front of the line.] People that live to get mad about things are in an uproar and getting their panties in a twist pointing fingers and crying "exploitation and abuse"!

Since being a child and going to Opryland USA [Tangent: RIP!], I have enjoyed the spoils of what it is to be in a wheelchair and visit an Amusement Park. It really is one of the greatest silver linings to this whole predicament! When I was young, I remember the euphoria I felt as I breezed by legions of tourists in fisherman sandals and fanny packs to board the Grizzly River Rampage before them...and then go on to ride it as many times as I pleased (which was usually 4+) because unboarding me usually was a slow process.  My friends and family loved it because we really got our money's worth out of our day passes. Instead of wasting half the day waiting in line and listening to sweaty whiney children...we were enjoying ourselves. [Tangent: Suddenly everyone was jealous of the wheelchair chick! How do ya like me now, bitches!]

 This awesome feeling never gets old. When my brother mom and I went to Disneyland a few years ago- it was almost jarring when one ride - The Tower of Terror- made me wait in line! WHAT!?!?!? I had gotten so incredibly spoiled by being ushered straight to the front by some miserable looking college student in thematic costume...and now was offended that I had to wait for 45 minutes with the plebians!

So, you are probably assuming that I would hold this right to amusement superiority sacred and not want rich folks infringing on this, but I'm not. $1000 is a LOT of money to someone like me who is currently looking for gainful, permanent employment and I am shocked that it has taken this long for someone to pounce on this opportunity.

Sure there are things about this that seem a little fishy, but I don't think it's abuse. Anytime the disabled play a part in any matter- everyone gets all touchy and PC. It's not like the escorts on wheels are not getting compensated. If you are willing to exploit your assets, you get paid....isn't that the American Way?

Seriously, I would do this a couple times a week in a heartbeat. I love amusement parks! I only wish I lived closer to one. I told my boyfriend that I would make the 4 hour trek to Dollywood on the weekends for the sole purpose of bringing home 2000 buckeroos! [Tangent: That's like hooker money!] I then came to the sad conclusion that the clientele at Dollywood were probably not rich. Womp. This job of being a black market concierge is currently geographically undesirable.

UGH! Dolly, you need to attract more crazy 1%ers so I can make some quick cash.

Monday, May 20, 2013


Hey Guys. Shamefully, I have been a fairly inconsistent blogger this month. I blame May....every May, it seems I fall off the wagon a bit [Tangent: Blogging wise...not like illegal substance wise.] and get sidetracked by the sunshine and the goings on and I get increasingly crappy at blogging....and I don't even have a hiatus from the internet to blame.  Don't take it to heart.

The last two weeks has been crazy eventful, so I was having a hard time deciding where to start! So I thought I would just give you an enumerated list of mini blogs to explain where I have been and what I have been up to.

1. Job Interviews!

Somehow my resume from 2005 resurrected itself in internetland, and someone out there in the world of job placement liked what they saw. [Tangent: After updating it to include what I have been up to the last 8 years, they seemed to think I'd make a good candidate for hiring. Who knew?!]  A job that seemed really interesting and what I was made to do presented itself and had a great repore with potential bossman over the phone interview. but I was unable to take it because it was on the second floor of a historic building. Total sucksville. [Tangent: He was hoping "That Girl in the Wheelchair" was a tongue in cheek reference he didn't understand.  Alas, it's pretty straightforward.]
I took this picture in college for an art class. It's so dumb, but illustrates my point.

Brightside: He mentioned he may have something that I could do from home in the future. I love working in PJs so I hope that will become a reality.

2. Not Made to be a Metal chick

Apparently me and Rachel Maddow have a lot in common. No, I don't like chicks- but I don't wear earrings either....and there's a reason. Me and metal have never gotten along. It upsets my body's delicate balance.
see no earrings! Me neither, Maddow!

During my absence, I've spent a lot of time at the doctor getting poked and prodded and it seems I am allergic to some metal in my back from a spine surgery....that I had about 20 years ago. Apparently, my body has a very delayed reaction and is getting all pissy with me for putting a foreign metal object in me way back when.

not my actual back...but it could be.

Hopefully they can fix me without having to remove it all with a giant electromagnet. [Tangent: No...that's not how they do it, but I don't but anything past modern medicine. I mean, remember when they gave me cocaine before my gallbladder surgery?]

3. Babies are falling from the sky.

Mother's day weekend, I went to Huntsville to visit my friends Brandon and Laura and see their beautiful little girl Ameilia turn one. There were lots of yummy cupcakes and bubble blowing and a baby drum that plays Todd Rundgren.Who says baby parties are lame? [Tangent: This was also my longest driving excursion to date. I decided Nash to Huntsville would be the easiest possible drive considering its just basically stay in the same lane on the interstate and drive for an hour and a half....but damned if it didn't wear my arse out. Do you know how hard it is on a terribly out of shape individual to drive using hand controls 75 mph on a straightaway for over an hour? Good God, ya'll. Nightmare! Imagine pushing a lever for an hour nonstop. I clearly need to psych myself up before I do this again!]
...but I got to see this puddin' pop so it was all worth it!

 i know I look terrible, but a baby is chewing my brake!

tell me that bubble doesn't look like a penis.

Also on 5/13/13, my badass friend Tyler and her sweet hubby, Bryan, welcomed a beautiful little squirt- Cora Marie into the world. I was so lucky that I got to be there when she was born! [Tangent: I have never gotten to be in the waiting room when a baby came to the world. When my niece, Ellie joined the extra utero, she was in Cali, so I just had to be there via technology. There is nothing like it.] The best thing about the whole thing is that Cora joined the world exactly one year after her mama came home from Afghanistan.  So lucky was I that I could join her for both those milestones. [Tangent: Ty met her hubs while in Afghanistan so I guess War isn't good for absolutely nothing...its good for babies!]

Ty and her daddy May 2012
Ty is a mommy in May 2013

Additionally, my best friend of forever made it official Facebook-wise that she is having a baby in November! Seriously folks. You know I love buying tiny babysized I am about to go broke. [TANGENT: But, omigod!! Babies!]

4. Reunited and it feels so good.

For the first time in years, I got to spend more than an hour with my first college roommate, Andraea. She was my first super close friend in a wheelchair, and I we both hold a special place in each others hearts...besides we shared an unhealthy obsession with Trading Spaces for our formative college years...we are bonded for life.  

10 years difference
 And what do two ladies in wheelchairs do together? Shop for jeggings. Seriously. That is what we did because if you are in a wheelchair, and you haven't embraced the jeggings experience then you need to get on it post haste. Drop everything. If you have to sit in pants all day, you might as well be comfortable and able to eat large meals comfortably. [Tangent: I haven't been inside a Wal-Mart for roughly 3 years, and haven't bought anything inside one for about 5. (the reasons why stated here in this blog) but for real, they have the best colored jeggings right now that straddle the delicate line between looking like actual pants and feeling like PJs. Morals and convictions went out the window, when I could get those 2 things in one stretchy package for under $10. Sue me.]

5. Pizza Gate

A couple weeks ago, my beautiful blogging friend Beth wrote this well-written expose about a local Nashville eatery. The thing went viral on Facebook and it climbed the charts to be #2 on Nashville's Reddit. WHAT!? Due to its bouncing around on Social Media and the back and fourth with the PoPos and the people of 12 South, it has devolved into Pizza Gate! It is now #61, but the reddit commentary is still quite interesting. It's still unclear who was parking in the parking spot, but something seems fishy.

Seriously folks, I've been holding out on you. I have so much stuff stored up that I need to write about. My  iPhone list is getting lengthy. The next few blogs are gonna be doozies.  BE PREPARED!!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

kickstart I believe in us.

About a year or so ago, I ordered my second round of shirts through Nashville based business DCXV [Tangent: Named after the roman numeral for 615 aka the Middle Tennessee area code.] Upon receiving my "Made in Nashville" shirts, one for me...and one for my sis who were in fact "made in Nashville," I realized I had gotten the wrong sizes and would need to make a swap. I truly hate exchanging online goods so was mentally stabilizing myself for the headache that it can incur when I emailed the contact (aka the man behind DCXV) Adrien Saporiti.

Right away, he got back to me and confessed he was still working out the kinks of the exchange policy, so he said he was traveling out my way the next day so would be more than willing to meet me and make the swap.  Seriously? That's extreme customer service!

I met Adrien for the first time that day, in what must have seemed like a drug deal, in the middle of the Cool Springs Galleria. "You got the goods?" He was super nice and accomodating and even a few months later donated some awesome and now somewhat iconic I Believe in Nashville prints to a fundraiser I was having for The Alliance for Recreational Empowerment. See! total nice guy.

Now a year later, DCXV has a storefront in East Nashville and the I Believe in Nashville mantra has blown up due in part to their murals and Nashville being the new "it" city, apparently.  [Tangent: That still boggles my noggin, a tad.] Anyway, Adrien is carpeing the diem and manifesting his destiny by kickstarting a new project and bringing this kind of civic pride to other cities. [Tangent: If you have never browsed, I implore you to do so. It's a way for fans and friends to fund a project/album/book/movie that they believe in. Crowd sourcing is the wave of the future.]  I

Adrien via DCXV is hoping to share the sense of community to other major cities like Boston, New York, LA etc. I encourage you all to check it out, because not only would you be helping an awesome local business, but you could score some really sweet kickstarter swag. [Tangent: ....and actually the kickstarter donation levels are completely reasonable and the rewards are really exciting!] If it still sounds a little abstract, check out the video below: 

If you would like to learn more about the "I BELIEVE IN US" campaign- click here! I would love to help this great local company grow and expand and share their brand of awesome with the nation. Do you believe?


Monday, May 6, 2013

hey brother! let's celebrate arrested development coming back!

[Tangent/Prologue: I'm not gonna pretend that I was super hip or watched Arrested Development when it aired in 2003. At the time I was in college, and the only shows I watched with a fervor were The OC, American Idol and Trading Spaces. Clearly I was edgy as hell!] 

It's been a couple years since I've power watched Arrested Development from beginning to end. The first time I marathoned them was right before I went to visit my brother in Orange County, so of course I felt like I was gonna run into the Bluth Frozen Banana Stand at any moment. However, Since I watched them all at once and it's been a while, I feel like there is a lot I have forgotten about.  [Tangent: Every so often, one of my friends will make a reference and I won't get it or I'll get a flashing memory of the time Michael dated a mentally impaired Charlize Theron or a visually impaired Julia Louis Dreyfus...and be like, "oh yeah. That happened!"] So to orient myself and prepare myself for the Netflix release of new episodes on May 26th- [Tangent: WOOOT!] I am rewatching the series again and enjoying it maybe more than I did the first time. [Tangent: In fact, that is what I am doing right now. I am determined to get through them all before the end of the week. I am all about setting and meeting goals, future employers!]

To celebrate the blessed event,  I have decided to do some lazy googling and find my favorite Arrested Development tshirts! There are so many possibilities out there and a lot of them are dumb, but here are some of the ones that made me giggle.

c/o Redbubble
AGGGHHHH! c/o powerup apparel

c/o lame tees

my favorite c/o Joebot on etsy.

from stylin online

this one was ltd on teefury, but you can find it at red bubble

this one was a ltd ed tee fury shirt

a little jepsomism c/o 80s Tees

c/o tee shirt vortex

c/o woot shirt
c/o powerup apparel
 ...or if you are poor like me and are already own an excessive amount of tshirts, but you want a means to get fired up for the premiere, you need only fire up the printer and print off this Arrested Development version of Clue or  these Bluth family paper dolls from illustrator Kyle Hilton. The Maeby ones are my favorite.

OK, gotta go get back to my Netflix. The Motherboy episode is coming up and that is my favorite!

Friday, May 3, 2013

The App Happy Chronicles: that hoe up in tha wheelchair? Gizoogle, say what?

The other day, I was waiting outside for my mom/nearly falling asleep outside the post office when I was shaken into reality by my iPhone which was buzz buzzing in my lap like a madman. After investigated I learned it was from a Facebook group msg/chat that was running off the rails.  Usually these things get on my last nerve, [Tangent: .... especially when they involve like 25 people discussing a super secret retirement party for a distant aquaintence and it results in 75 notifications while you are away from your desk at work.], but since it was between fellow awesome blogging ladies of substance Lisa, Rae and Ms. Eartha Kitsch and revolved around a little website and source of nonsense called was a-OK with all the phone vibrations.

 Basically Eartha was unearthing [Tangent: See what I did there?] a ridiculous time suck that will translate any existing web content into ebonic slang. [Tangent: This website very well could be a very old outdated thing, but it's new to me, damnit!] How is this not the greatest/most unnecessary creation on god's green earth? I hereby introduce you to: That Hoe up in tha Wheelchair.

If you still need clarifying, here is how gizoogle translated a paragraph from from my blog about Super Black Nail Lacquer:

 Yo ass won't even miss all dem lyrics you can't pronounce, cuz dis shiznit is quality. Well shiiiit, it up in straight-up thin yet highly pigmented, which means 2 coats is straight-up all you need. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Also it dries up in bout 30 secondz n' I mean DRIES IN 30 SECONDS....not like "Oh I be thinkin its dry" n' then "oh damn, why is there a thumbprint up in mah polish?" [Tangent: Goopy polish full of fingerprints n' nicks is tha 8th deadly sin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If I have dropped a minute bustin mah nails, n' dat is mah fate- I be driven ta drink.] Because itz thin, it don't feel like a gangbangin' foreign body, it bondz sickly ta yo' nail n' don't feel apt ta peel off up in one sheet. Thoroughly impressive. [Tangent: Even mah mom, whoz ass never has painted nails was ridin tha other evenin n' painted her thumbnail blue n' commented on how tha fuck "it felt sick n' wasn't a tacky blue." This is high praise from mah mutha whoz ass be thinkin every last muthafuckin thang dat I wear on mah nails is wack looking.]
 See!!! I told you it is fantastic! I really wanted Ms. Kitsch to write about this craziness after learning that "Happy Days" translated to "Cool as F#@k days" in gizzogle-speak, but she is classy and didn't want all the F-Bombs and S-grenades flying, but she knows my reputation for classiness went the way of the dodo years back...
If you are a blogger, or have a favorite blog/site that you check daily, I implore to shirk your immediate responsibilities and gizoogle it post haste!! You're welcome. 

P.S. While we are on the subject of Apps and being completely trashy, why did I just now notice that all the levels on Candy Crush sound pornographic? Or do I just have my head suctioned to the gutter? I'll let you decide.

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