Friday, May 3, 2013

The App Happy Chronicles: that hoe up in tha wheelchair? Gizoogle, say what?

The other day, I was waiting outside for my mom/nearly falling asleep outside the post office when I was shaken into reality by my iPhone which was buzz buzzing in my lap like a madman. After investigated I learned it was from a Facebook group msg/chat that was running off the rails.  Usually these things get on my last nerve, [Tangent: .... especially when they involve like 25 people discussing a super secret retirement party for a distant aquaintence and it results in 75 notifications while you are away from your desk at work.], but since it was between fellow awesome blogging ladies of substance Lisa, Rae and Ms. Eartha Kitsch and revolved around a little website and source of nonsense called gizoogle.net...I was a-OK with all the phone vibrations.



 Basically Eartha was unearthing [Tangent: See what I did there?] a ridiculous time suck that will translate any existing web content into ebonic slang. [Tangent: This website very well could be a very old outdated thing, but it's new to me, damnit!] How is this not the greatest/most unnecessary creation on god's green earth? I hereby introduce you to: That Hoe up in tha Wheelchair.

If you still need clarifying, here is how gizoogle translated a paragraph from from my blog about Super Black Nail Lacquer:

 Yo ass won't even miss all dem lyrics you can't pronounce, cuz dis shiznit is quality. Well shiiiit, it up in straight-up thin yet highly pigmented, which means 2 coats is straight-up all you need. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Also it dries up in bout 30 secondz n' I mean DRIES IN 30 SECONDS....not like "Oh I be thinkin its dry" n' then "oh damn, why is there a thumbprint up in mah polish?" [Tangent: Goopy polish full of fingerprints n' nicks is tha 8th deadly sin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If I have dropped a minute bustin mah nails, n' dat is mah fate- I be driven ta drink.] Because itz thin, it don't feel like a gangbangin' foreign body, it bondz sickly ta yo' nail n' don't feel apt ta peel off up in one sheet. Thoroughly impressive. [Tangent: Even mah mom, whoz ass never has painted nails was ridin tha other evenin n' painted her thumbnail blue n' commented on how tha fuck "it felt sick n' wasn't a tacky blue." This is high praise from mah mutha whoz ass be thinkin every last muthafuckin thang dat I wear on mah nails is wack looking.]
 See!!! I told you it is fantastic! I really wanted Ms. Kitsch to write about this craziness after learning that "Happy Days" translated to "Cool as F#@k days" in gizzogle-speak, but she is classy and didn't want all the F-Bombs and S-grenades flying, but she knows my reputation for classiness went the way of the dodo years back...
  
If you are a blogger, or have a favorite blog/site that you check daily, I implore to shirk your immediate responsibilities and gizoogle it post haste!! You're welcome. 

P.S. While we are on the subject of Apps and being completely trashy, why did I just now notice that all the levels on Candy Crush sound pornographic? Or do I just have my head suctioned to the gutter? I'll let you decide.


10 comments:

  1. Oh dear God!! I cannot WAIT to get home and try this on my blog. Ahhhh!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it's amazing. I knew you, lil gangsta, would be on board!

      Delete
  2. Ewww...."salty canyon".

    I think I am going to start using "gang bangin' foreign body" in sentences. "Ouch! I've got a gang bangin' foreign body up in my eye!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! That one really was the kicker! Then I was like, "hold up! Wait...all of these are questionable!"

      Delete
  3. This is so funny. From my Family Wash Review:

    Just peep dat golden bit of delicious muthafucka! My fuckin straight-up way ta order a pie is tha traditionizzle meat pie wit added garlic. They take roasted garlic, mash it up n' put it up in between tha potatoes n' tha cheese n' you can put dat on yo' toast. It aint nuthin but PURE heaven. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da portion is straight-up big-ass n' I always tell mah dirty ass I be only goin ta smoke half n' save tha rest fo' later n' shit. But I be delusionizzle n' most of tha time I smoke tha entire thang. It aint nuthin but hard ta have will juice when suttin' is just dat good.

    Also, I'm Oldskool Red Boots now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we should all officially change our blog names to reflect the gizoogle changes. Lisa is "bitch was a bird"- fantastic!

      Also never in my life have I heard the phrase, "I ain't talkin bout chicken and gravy, biatch!" until gizoogle. Am I unhip?

      Delete
  4. SO. FUNNY. WHY IS IT STILL SO FUNNY.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have no idea. it is my go-to happy place.

      Delete
  5. I'm glad you didn't know about this! I didn't!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know I'm tragically unhip. Have you run your blog through this yet?!?! What are you waiting for?

      Delete

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