Tuesday, August 13, 2013

terminally ill (worst airport pun ever)

 [Disclaimer: I wrote this blog on my phone at about 1 AM last weekend, while trying to avoid watching Burt Wonderstone on a plane, so if it seems a little delirious, trust that is why.]

I hate flying. Maybe because I never did it growing up and have never had a jet setting career. It's not the heights or the fear of crashing. [Tangent: that actually kind of thrills me on some Lost kind of level. Remember that John Locke was once in a wheelchair till Oceanic flight 815 crashed into the Pacific and he became a completely ambulatory evil genius. Hey ya'll everybody - that's pretty awesome.]


...it's more the hassle  and the fact that because I don't do it terribly often - I'm on a 4th grade comprehension level when it comes to air travel.

This time, with our flight from BNA > LAX,  things seemed different, I bought tickets, did online check in. Checked bags. Made disabled passenger accommodations. [Tangent: you know where they strap you to a teensy Hannibal s&m type dolly contraption and wheel you to your seat. Truly it's not terrible, but I weigh about 85 lbs so I fit on the dolly. Some probably don't.]

I seriously feel like I'm going into  a psych ward
Things were going splendidly. We listened to our how's and whys of how to buckle your seat belt and how to turn on our light signals if we were scattered into the ocean. I even started scrambling for something to watch on the inflight TVs [Hello Access Hollywood!]

Then the captain informed us that there was something critically wrong with our engine [Tangent: maybe a John Locke moment was closer than I thought!] and to just hang tight...which in my case meant watching Betty White's Off Their Rockers on my tiny headrest TV. [Tangent: as terrible yet somehow enchanting as one would think from the concept of a Punk'd from the greatest generation ]

This led to about an hour and a half of sitting tight while they decided to scramble for helping the people who were using BNA to LAX as a connector and give us 25 dollar vouchers to use anything in the airport ! Boom! My mind reeled with possibility of ballin' with neck pillows and paperbacks and overpriced airport cocktails aplenty...only everything was closed when we got back in the terminal. Suddenly the idea of finding ourselves in the Nashville airport terminal after hours got seemingly less glamorous.  [Tangent: Because they had to excavate and unload my wheelchair which had been stowed with baggage and strap me back on the dolly to get my ass off the plane,we were left with one dining option that was trying to close and whatever they hadn't thrown out yet.]

For five hours, we hung out and tried to sleep on benches and weighed in our heads whether it was better to make friends with our fellow inbetweeners or avoid eye contact altogether. [Tangent: I was torn between the teen religious zealot playing with his Rubiks cube or the lone rider in a backwards snuggie.]



Just when I was starting to feel like Tom Hanks in that movie with the airport [Tangent: no not Castaway..the other one.] , the announcement was made that they found us a new plane and we were boarding at 11:45 pm. To quell the angry and exhausted villagers, we were given free reign of the movie options, which seemed cool theoretically, but they'd inevitably would shut off at the 45 mark. Over the duration of my 4 hour flight to LA,  I watched roughly half of 3 shitty movies. [Tangent: for the record- Admission<Identity Thief> Burt Wonderstone]

It was definitely a rough start to my trip out to California, but luckily I had no pressing commitment to get to other than seeing my sweet niece and hearing her put about 4 extra syllables in my name: "kiiiiiiimmmmmiie". Seeing her when I landed in Cali at 1:30 AM made it all the better.

12 comments:

  1. Oh, that sucks so hard. But backwards Snuggie guy - always and forever. Did you get to spend the voucher when you got back? I'm dying to know what crazy airport stuff you bought. I hope that you used it as an opportunity to holiday shop for family.

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    1. I wish. Nothing good was open when we landed at LAX, either...so we just got a tin of godiva chocolate covered pretzels to give my neighbor who watched my beasts while we were out of town.

      I really wanted to buy some books or crazy I LOVE LA coffee mugs or some nonsense.

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  2. You're detailin' this trip like crazy! I like to hear it all.... Eartha cracked me up with her Snuggie guy comment ;)

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    1. It won't be all that detailed...i just had a lot of time on my hands.

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  3. I'm sorry your flight sucked but I'm glad your time in LA didn't.

    I love, love, love to fly! That moment when the plane actually lifts off the ground is amazing! I even love (non-lethal) turbulence. However, I do NOT love the TSA so I haven't been on a plane since 9/11. The first person that gets in my junk without buying me dinner first gets decked - which will land me in jail - so I don't fly.

    Alicia

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    1. yeah...the actual flying is super fun. The hubub is not.

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  4. Sorry to hear that you had all the trouble with your flight; but glad you made it safely to CA. I have only flown one time, and that was also to Cali. I enjoyed it. It was just before the 9/11 attacks. I have not flown since, but would if I had the chance.

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    1. Its a headache...I feel like practice makes perfect though. I get better each time I fly.

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  5. High on my list of irrational fears, right under being eaten by a bear, is being in an airport situation like that Tom Hanks movie that isn't Castaway. That movie haunts me! I don't care how unlikely the situation seems. Once upon a time, Snowden probably thought it was unlikely too.

    I HATE flying. I'm pretty sure that hell isn't actually either fire or brimstone, but endless flights in a wheelchair. There's nothing worse. Somebody needs to invent a better way to travel. It's the 21st century; where is my teleporter?

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    1. I know. We need an intricate tunnel system or something!

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  6. I don't know if i can express how much the phrase "teensy Hannibal s&m type dolly contraption " delights me.
    i am also ashamed to say that i saw all of those movies in the theater. what is wrong with me? i thought admission was probably the "best" but how did a movie with tina fey AND paul rudd turn out so bland and lame? i did laugh during burt wonderstone whenever they played "abra cadabra"
    we're flying from bna to lax late next friday night. i really hope we have a better experience!

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    1. I'm hoping you would. However we did get delta vouchers for our next flight. $50 off. Also, when watching all these films, I thought of you because I remember you saying you paid to see Burt Wonderstone. Admission was only good bc I have such a lady boner for Paul Rudd, but I seriously was like "this is the worst written movie ever" the entirity of the movie.

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