Although I seem to keep on top of popular culture with my daily viewings of Inside Edition and the mysterious Us Weekly issues that appear on my doorstep each Friday, I'm an old woman and I don't listen to top 40 radio so I am dreadfully out of touch. All I knew of Miley Cyrus post- Party in the USA era is that she got a Brigitte Nielson 'do and was all about not keeping her tongue in her mouth.
This was the case until about a month ago when my buddy Rae implored me to drop everything I was doing and go watch her video for "We Can't Stop." [Tangent: Of course, videos are not something you see on TV anymore, because well, Hello! MTV has like season 27 of Teen Mom to air ad infinitum...so I youtubed it. If you haven't seen it, watch it below now. Take a Miley break and prepare for ballyhoo. My favorite part is the guy trying to sexily eat toast in a giant pile of bread, because I think that is the first time that has adequately captured on film.]
[Tangent: The song was kinda meh, but I kept singing the one part "la da di da di- Dancing with Miley." This was the redeemable part of the song that made it palatable to me, until today when I realized I was totally mishearing that lyric and she wasn't saying "Miley"...she was saying "Molly." Who the hell is Molly? Oh, wait it's slang for ecstacy? I am dreadfully unhip and apparently need to just go apply for my AARP card. I kinda wish no one had told me so I could imagine Miley was just twirling with her American Girl doll. Below is my badly photoshopped re-enactment.]
OK, fast forward to last night, I am watching the VMAs [Tangent: After Breaking Bad of course. I have priorities!] and I see the new "edgy Miley" take the stage in what looks like a lost member of the Showbiz Pizza band, The Rockafire Explosion, and I knew a shit show was about to occur. [Tangent: I am all for the Avant gard...but good lord, I get it Miss Cyrus, you aren't Hannah Montana anymore. You're edgy. You're not a little girl anymore. Got it.]
It was all that I could've hoped and more. [Tangent: If you haven't see the 100000 replays of it, you can check it on here on Mashable.com] So much thrusting and twerking and molesting poor sweet Robin Thicke in his best Beatlejuice couture before some rapper I have never heard of comes out in Dwayne Wayne glasses to rescue me from Miley in her rubber bikini. I think the tipping point to crazy town was when she made a penis out of her foam finger and just air humped with her tongue permanently hanging out of her mouth, naturally. [Tangent: I felt so violated.]
The rest of the evening after this was a blur. A song I had never heard won song of the summer. Joey Fatone took some time off from being the announcer on Family Feud to go cut a rug with J Timberlake and company...but still I felt there was so much damage done from Miley that I couldn't fully concentrate. As it was setting in that I was old and out of touch [Tangent: Probably worsened when I was saying aloud "Why do none of these girls have pants on?!?], I took to the social media landscape to see what others thought. It is truly pop cultural moments like these that remind me why I love the internet. Within an hour of Miley's performance, social media was exploding. These are some of my favorite instagram screencaps from the hastag #VMA2013
So basically long story short, if Miley Cyrus is the mouthpiece for her generation....I am OK being 30.