Sunday, October 13, 2013

let's talk about us: the final issue

Pointless Preamble: Hey guys! Sorry I have been MIA more or less lately. Life kinda happened and I have been super duper overwhelmed busy. I couldn't begin to imagine where my thoughts should even perch long enough to complete a coherent sentence, more or less a blog. This all sucks because I have lots and lots to play catch up on at some point. [Tangent: Like did you know somehow my sexy costume blog got crazy popular passed around on Facebook and on Reddit. What the hell? I went viral!!?!? I guess sexy sea turtles really resonate with people. I'll try to take my future cues from that new information.] Because I don't even know what to start with...of course I will just go off on a tangent and forego the interesting to write about some minute detail of my day...that probably no one will care about, but that I feel the need to get off my chest! The usual.

So you guys aren't new should know about my reliance on my US Weekly that mysteriously comes in my mailbox ever week. [Tangent: If you are new, get caught up here and here.] It's the most welcome thing that I never asked for. I love it, and I have grown to depend on when it comes on Saturday instead of the Friday norm, I get a bit edgy. [Tangent: That extra day of not knowing who wore it best: Heidi Klum or Dakota Fanning? Steven Tyler or Liv Tyler? is a bit excruciating and there may or may not be nail biting involved.]

OK. So maybe I am being a pinch on the melodramatic side, but I really don't think so. I mean the issue that I got in the mail today had that dreaded additional card stock cover emblazoned with those 5 terrible words you never wanna see : "This is your last issue." Heavens to mergatroyd! That's beyond upsetting news. 

 [Tangent: Before you call me irrational, I full on realize this seems like it was bound to happen sooner or later. I didn't pay for the subscription! I never even asked for it, or knew that it was missing from my life. These trashy mags were always something read only when I am at the salon or in the hospital. The fact that it arrives in my mailbox is some weird mail/computer glitch...but perhaps the most serendipitous glitch in history. I love trivial facts and minutiae about prominent "celebrities", but from an economic and moral standpoint, I don't see myself paying for a weekly tabloid subscription.] If this piece of cardstock speaks the truth, I'll have to go a stretch without knowing what Kim Kardashian is up to every waking second of life. This transition will definitely take some kind of 12 step reprogramming. You can't renew something that you never subscribed to in the first place. [Tangent: That previous sentence sounded like it should be very deep and applicable to many complex life situations...but no, I use that wisdom to talk about the tabs.]

Thankfully, this possible last issue was a doozie filled with inane ridiculosity and gossip to keep me satisfied till I find a proper place filler for that US Weekly sized hole in my life that I'm about to incur. Here's my highlight reel. [Tangent: Mind you this is from ONE issue.]

US always has been TMI central on celebrity babies...and now I know that Kourtney Kardashian's baby has a hat fetish. Totally worthy of a full page spread; don't you think?

This is the part I may miss most of all. It's where you truly get to know people you didn't think you needed to know about in the first place.

Mario Lopez posing with a chocolate version of himself. If I still had an office cubicle- this is the kind of stuff I would pin to my wall to keep myself sane.

....alongside this picture of P Diddy Dirty Money dressed as Prince.

and learning about fashion trends that aren't really fashion trends.
 I guess this is the end of the road, Us. We had a good run. But I have moved on to brighter pastures. I read Entertainment Weekly now.


  1. i can't believe you didn't break this news to me in person first. i am going into deep mourning.

    1. I know!! This cuts you deep! I'm still secretly hoping that some daddy warbucks benefactor will renew my subscription! This came at the worst possible time- when kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner are splitting up!

  2. We used to get two issues of Playboy each month at a place I worked at straight out of college. Since I put up the mail, the guys were always sure to be really nice to me so that I would put one of them in their mailboxes!
    And, no lie, I just got a "51% off a year's subscription to US Weekly" e-mail from a half-price deal site - ha!

    1. my very white friend alex once got Latina for a solid year out of the blue. It happens.

  3. Kris and Bruce Kardashian split up?!?!!

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I also love how they almost never feature anyone you would actually like to "get to know'" in that things you didn't know about me feature (although one notable exception: Rupaul did one!)

    1. ...and a couple weeks ago- they did one on Nev Schulman from Catfish. That was exciting...but 99% of the time its someone on Dancing with the Stars that I care nothing about....but now I know they are afraid of parrots or something.


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