Friday, November 29, 2013

small business saturday/cyber monday > black friday

I am about to make a blanket statement that will offend other equally thrifty gals out there: black friday is the devil. I understand there are lots of "doorbusters" yada yada, but the idea of sitting out in the cold only to be log-jammed nose to b-hole with lots of people that ingested mass amounts of gravy the day prior sounds awful. Count me out. Navigating in large crowds is a total nightmare for us on 4 wheels, because apparently the Christmas spirit is null and void if there is a huge markdown on microwaves. People get crazy and I don't think I will ever have the wherewithall to think about it. [Tangent: Maybe it's because I have experience on the other side. I have worked Black Friday a handful of times and have witnessed the crazy from the inside. It's incredible how grown women will behave when a "free"  tote bag full of sample sized products is on the line. Suddenly a sweet lingerie store devolves into the Middle East. In a way I enjoyed the crazy, because it was as close as my punk self was to "going to war" but I vowed I would never partake unless I was being somehow paid to be there...and I don't mean paid in great values...I mean a pay check.]

I try not to hate on those that do black friday shop, maybe I am secretly jealous of their go getter attitude. Clearly, they are just cut from a different more sturdy cloth than me. [Tangent: Probably the same cloth as extreme couponers...another movement that I don't have the patience or math skills for.] I've just found that unless you are in the market for a 60 inch 3D TV for a penny, you can find the same deals online. is running the same deals as they are in store...and you don't have to wear a coat or wait in line. [Tangent: I just saw that Target was giving 20% off coupons in store if you spent $75 so I checked online and that deal is not just "in-store" so yeah! I can stay in a bathrobe!]  Besides, Amazon and Overstock have amazing promos all December.  [Shameless plug: I am an amazon affiliate, so duh, I endorse like a mofo. If you reach them through the badge on my site, I'll get commission and you'll get some good deals. I am not above whoring myself out for your 4-10%!]

Or better yet, save your bucks and spend them on small business Saturday instead. You may not have the opportunity to body check someone for a chicken dance Elmo, but you will likely have a more enjoyable experience.  This week, I will be doing my picks for cool local products that I am kind of in love with...great gifts that are locally made and you can buy from the comfort of your home. What are your favorite "made in Nashville goods"? I'm always looking for ideas.

How's that for a cliffhanger?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

biggest winner/biggest loser?

The other day, I composed a post about pretty much wanting to crawl into a barrel these winter months despite the crazy happy feel-goodness that seems to be short-circuiting Facebook and social media. Everyone. Is. So. Damned. Happy...or at least I thought they were. Not that I am sad, just indifferent and I thought I was pretty alone in this boat until I got some great feedback about how you guys feel similarly Bear-like this holiday season. Clearly, you are my peeps.

Because I felt bad about my recently confessed-to window of hermit behavior, I braved the flurries and went out shopping. [Tangent: We will gloss over the fact that despite my promises in the prior post, I wore slipper boots as actual shoes. Old habits die hard. I did change into actual shoes (read: not available in the sleepwear department) before I went out to dinner with friends. I have some boundaries...not many, but some.] While out I bought these really super cute sweater leggings because they seemed stretchy and not incredibly binding, but after getting them home I found even they didn't fit me. Let's face it after crossing the 30 year threshold, you have 0 metabolism and have to eat healthy or else you actually gain weight. [Tangent: I know this seems like a, "No shit, Sherlock" kind of situation, but  I have always had the metabolism of a hummingbird and thus permanently a size small. In past years, I have even been put on a doctor perscribed weight gaining regimen (which heavily consisted of subscribing to the "more mayonaise please" mentaility), so this whole "Kimmie can actually gain weight thing" is all new to me. As my sister said, "You are finally becoming a woman!" (instead of a sickly 12 year old boy, which has pretty much been my body type up to present.)]

This was me at 16. my arms are as big around as dowel rods.

 All of this kind of has been a downer, not because I am getting some much needed additional ass fat, but more because none of my pants fit anymore...and I like my pants.  [Tangent:I know I have no right to complain and this if this had a hashtag, it would definitely be #skinnygirlproblems, because I know it sounds ridiculous. I can practically hear the mass x'ing out of this post as you read my insecurity even though I am still under 100 pounds.] It also has made me feel suddenly fashion challenge, which is pretty much how I felt through a lot of my youth. From about 3rd-8th grade, my wardrobe was brought to you by the "pretty plus" department at Sears.

yep. also me. I probably wear a smaller size now than I did then. What other adult can say that?
Luckily, the internet brought me a cheerful reminder that I am still relevent and have it going on. [Tangent: Do people still say that? I am starting to sound like my mom!] because guess what guys? Remember when I styled an outfit with absolutely no authority for the Modcloth/Polyvore challenge in this post, I TOTALLY WON! I know, I know. How is that possible, but yeah apparently even though I don't put it into execution often, I can put things together in a way that is pleasing to the senses. [Tangent: I wish I could say I won some crazy shopping spree for some really sassy Modcloth outfits that might fit my new shape, but I did win a spot on their modcloth/Polyvore page and the knowledge that given some concentration, I may not look as much like a hobo as I think. That's something. ] It also lead me to spend hours on my Polyvore page collaging things together.  For Example:here is my dream look for what I like to call shut-in chic.

how to be a cozy shut in

So  basically what I am trying to say in a horribly roundabout way is: downside: I don't fit in any of my clothes, but upside: I am the best accessorizer ever so I can distract people from this. See, I knew I was the queen of the silver lining!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

i wanna be a bear.

The other day fellow blogging lovely lady, Kittycat Stevens, left a comment on one of my posts in which I had talked about going out to trivia on a weeknight, saying basically, "It's cold! How are you out in public doing things?" I'm glad I have mindfreaked you guys into thinking that I am productive, but to be honest the early darkness and cold weather basically melts all my willpower away. Fact: Last night, Saturday night, I was in pajama bottoms before 7 PM and the idea of leaving the house sounded like the LAST thing I wanted to do.  [Tangent: Instead I ate Taco Bell and watched The Killing season 3. So Glamorous!] Life would be so much easier if I was a bear [Tangent: To clarify- in the animal sense...not the gay niche sense. ] because then I could hibernate and not be judged for my sloth.

It's almost as if I need to psych myself up to go out when it's chilly and if you add precipitation into the mix, count me out. I'm good here with my bottomless cup of coffee and fuzzy slipper boots. [Tangent: OK. I know last winter I broke my own cardinal rule and wore slippers in public. I have always been really frustrated when people, especially handicapped people did this. I had a rough winter 2012 so sue me. I vow to be better about wearing actual shoes this year. Please call me out on my behavior if I don't oblige.]

hot look.
 This temporary hibernation is really not a secret. If you follow me on instagram, you are probably well aware that I have become a shut-in. Perhaps the sudden influx of pictures of Newman and the more than once a week photos of the TV during Family Feud are a dead giveaway that I am not getting out much. [Tangent: You are probably thanking your lucky stars I am not photographing my other not-at-all-guilty pleasures like Four Weddings, Long Island Medium and Secret Princes...basically anything on The Learning Channel that in no way involves learning. It's a sad state of affairs that I know all the family members in Theresa Caputo's family. If you don't know who Theresa Caputo is, then congrats on having some semblance of a life. ]

 I'm going to be better and keep the hardcore hermitting at bay. I even bought a new cute and cozy jacket the other day which means I have no excuse not to go out and do stuff. Ugh. Just let it be known  that I don't like the cold and the premature holiday hustle and bustle scares the bejesus out of me. I can't be alone on this.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

2 reasons why I am a weirdo today: VC Andrews and Lurlene McDaniel

This weekend I got a great birthday gift.  No, not the awesome books from my honey of the cake from my trivia team with a deep cut Saved By the Bell reference from the Malibu Sands episodes. [Tangent: Seriously check out the link. It was amazing...and got instagram love from the girl that runs the Saved by the Bell podcast, Go Bayside. Happy Birthday to me, indeed.] This weekend via article in Entertainment Weekly and via text from my librarian friend Laura that the VC Andrews book Flowers in the Attic is getting the Lifetime movie treatment. This mass market paperback is likely the best book about incest and arsenic coated donuts that you will ever read.

[Tangent: In the late 80s there was a movie version that starred a young Kristy Swanson, but it wasn't that great. It was much too tame and had the dumbest ending ever. It's on Netflix if you want to pregame and use it for comparative cinematic analysis.]

When I was younger, and all the other kids in my peer group were all butt crazy in love with RL Stein books, I was kinda over it.  [Tangent: At that point I was watching Tales from the Crypt, so really, the Goosebumps series were not living up to its promises.] My sister, who is a couple years older was had a shelf filled with VC Andrews and of course, I wanted to do everything she did. At the age of 11, this book was likely the most salacious thing I had ever read. It was so twisted and amazing and filled with characters who did completely inexplicable things like a mom who in order to get money from her rich family locks her children in an attic and slowly poisons them. Spoiler Alert. [Tangent: I have always had a fascination with eccentric/certifiably insane rich people in pop culture...and the Dollanganger family in this book doesn't disappoint. Trust.]

Upon hearing the news about the reboot, I started talking YA novels with my sister, who teaches 8th grade and is thus the leading expert on fiction aimed at kids in braces. [Tangent: She said she keeps Flowers in the Attic on her bookshelf to loan out to her kids, but none of them want to read it because they say,  "the cover looks boring." Seriously, those kids don't even know what they are missing.] She also said none of her kids wanted to read my favorite childhood author: Lurlene McDaniel. Ugh, kids today.
this was basically EVERY cover. So dramatic.

Never heard of Lurlene McDaniel? Well, you probably weren't a dark weirdo like me as a child. All of Lurlene's books revolved around dying teens and children. ALL. OF. THEM.  Don't believe is a list of her books. 

Mother, Please Don’t Die
The End of Forever
If I Should Die Before I Wake
Too Young to Die
Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever
Somewhere Between Life and Death
Time to Let Go
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
When Happily Ever After Ends
Mourning Song
Baby Alicia Is Dying
Don't Die, My Love
Till Death Do Us Part
For Better, For Worse, Forever
Sixteen And Dying (One Last Wish)
A Time to Die (One Last Wish)
Please Don’t Die (One Last Wish)
Mourning Song (One Last Wish)
She Died Too Young (One Last Wish)
Mother, Help Me Live (One Last Wish)
Someone Dies, Someone Lives (One Last Wish)
A Season for Goodbye (One Last Wish)
Let Him Live (One Last Wish)

I can't imagine why I loved these paperbacks so much. The storylines couldn't have varied that much from book to book, but I was seriously at Bookworld every week adding a new title involving the word "death" into my collection. I guess my mom never questioned it...she was just glad I was reading.  [Tangent: The stories were basically like if Deathcab for Cutie wrote Harlequin romance novels to a Babysitter's Club generation.]

So what have we learned about my adolescent psyche? Basically the lithmus test for whether or not young Kimmie would like a book revolved around whether it was terribly depressing and or would make a great Lifetime movie one day. Luckily Flowers in the Attic is making my dream come true. [Tangent: Also fellow VC fans, check out this blog by My Paper Crane about this very subject. You'll love her commentary.] I can only hope the cable execs are reading this blog and sign a deal with Lurlene McDaniel, too. It seems to be her destiny and would make me a happy/midly derranged camper.  [Tangent: Lifetime, while we are at it...can I please be a guest judge on Project Runway? Please and thank you. I mean if the girl from Precious can be a judge, surely, I am capable.]

Sunday, November 17, 2013

happy birthday Owen, Ramona and Mickey Mouse

When I was a little girl, after morning announcements, the teachers would pull the kids in my grade together  to serenade the birthday girls/boys as we all stood around in our special birthday duds [Tangent: Mine inevitably revolved around lace trimmed bike shorts and imitation keds.] as we blew out the candles on a fake cake made out of soap. [Tangent: You know like all elementary schools...tale as old as time.] Of course, I was never alone in the spotlight, because my birthday is almost exactly 9 months after Valentine's I clearly shared my day with many. [Tangent: I did the math one day because I was so confused why so many times in my life I had heard, "ME TOO" after telling someone my birthday is on November 18th. I beg you never to subtract 9 months from your birth month unless you want that permanent knowledge of when you were conceived. Curiosity is a burden.]

The other day, while reading the incontinence-inducing celebrity birthday blog post of my fellow Scorpio, Mr. Tiny of Wacky TackyI was thinking, "I wonder who else shares a birthday with me?" [Tangent/Spoiler alert: Mr. Tiny shared his with Sinbad and McKenzie naturally, I'm pretty jealous. SINBAD!] Previously, I always told people that my special day was linked with the following cultural events:

1. The debut of Mickey Mouse in Steamboat Willy.
2. The ritual suicide of hoardes of cult members in Jonestown, Guyana when they all drank cyanide laced grape Kool Aid under the leadership of Jim Jones. [Tangent: Not the Jim Jones that raised me, the one that started a radical crazytown cult. I know you needed clarification.]
3. The holy union of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes....aka the birth of TomKat nation.

Somehow these events were never very satisfying...and two of them seem incredibly depressing [Tangent: Not Steamboat Willy. Mice that drive boats are generally jolly.] I decided to turn to the internet and see who else I could send Hallmark cards to on November 18. Here is proof that many great Americans are Scorpios.

Owen Wilson

Project Runway elf Christian Siriano 

This dude from 40 Year Old Virgin

Kevin Nealon

Chloe Sevigny 
you're welcome for resisting the urge to use the picture of her all disfigured from American Horror Story

Dynasty actress/Chrystal Light Spokesperson Linda Evans
I love this look.

Rapper of "Holla Back" Fabolous

Crazy Eyed Housewife of NYC Ramona Singer
the amount of Ramona gifs out there made it hard to choose just one.

Maybe next year, for my 32nd, I will try to assemble all these people in one room for a kickass party at Disneyworld where we drink grape Kool-Aid cocktails. For my 31st, I am a-ok doing absolutely nothing.

Friday, November 15, 2013

unwitting fashion icon...a Modcloth outfit that is uniquely me

As a blogger, who has apparently roofied people into caring about what I talk about, sometimes I get some really interesting opportunities. The other day the people at ModCloth asked me to participate in their Uniquely You campaign in conjunction with the site Polyvore. which is like a playground for pinteresters [Tangent: I love a challenge, and I stake out ModCloth periodically because I'm a fan of their quirky, vintage inspired looks. In my mind, I like to think that I look like That Girl, even though I am usually missing the boat by several hundred leagues. At least I try.] 

I could never pull off white gloves and a pillbox hat. Oh well. 


This whole challenge was really flattering and ill-advised because in the email they said, "they love my individual sense of style." This comes as a total shock to the girl whose current outfit probably costs $25 and consists 20% of hand-me-downs. Even though it is clear that I am NOT a fashion icon, it gave me a chance to play around on Polyvore a little. I can see that this site will be a HUGE time suck in the future, because you can create dream rooms and outfits so that you wish you could afford/attain.

The building block they gave me was the coach tour dress in noir. Because I likes to keep it classy but not fussy, I mixed in autumn-y colors. [Tangent: They said use at least 7 other items, however I went a little apeshit with accessories. I am a magpie.] I am usually not a huge proponent of mixing black and brown, but I liked it here for some reason. It has all my a wallet with a fat dog on it (Newman) and a cute mug! Because it is a "dream outfit"...I hypothetically cyber splurged on a fancy purse and nice boots. [Tangent: A far cry from my $1.99 Goodwill clutch and my own brown boots, which, in reality, are from Ross Dress for Less.]

That Girl meets That Girl in The Wheelchair

Hope that you liked this foray into fashion blogging. Not sure I can pull it off, but it was a fun to pretend for a day! I gotta go....I have hours to waste on Polyvore. I am about to become the Howard Hughs of dream boards.

PS. Oh yeah, you have one more day to enter to win 2 bottles of Super Black Lacquer, so get on it! Even if you are a dude, it makes a good gift! Enter to win here or using the widget below:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

my obsessions runneth over

Recently, I noticed an older post, where I discussed things with which I was currently obsessed, was randomly popular. I wish I could attribute it to the groundbreaking subject matter or my witty way of tackling things like Behind The Candelabra, however, it is more than likely some weird feeder site that is all in Russian with a very vague title like "porno for adult". [Tangent: No joke, it is disheartening to see that so many source Urls are from sites all in foreign characters. Luckily, giant nude thrusting body parts are a universal language, so I get the gist of what their platform is VERY quickly. I can only imagine these readers didn't get what they were looking for. Am I the only blogger that has this problem, or do I somehow have some Russian adult content kingpin who is a big fan and is somehow embedding my links in some way that is beyond my comprehension?] It did make me think, though, that lately a lot of new things were rocking my world. Here are my top 4.

1. Logo's "What?!?" documentary series
 Are you at all surprised that the network that brought us Rupaul's Drag Race could create something else that is just as bizarrely magical?  A few months ago, I fell upon a one hour documentary about the G.L.O.W.  [Tangent: That's the gorgeous ladies of Wrestling for those who didn't watch WAY too much TV in the 80s. In retrospect, this Saturday morning offshoot of the WWF was probably targeted at horny old men, but my sister and I were completely enamored. We thought they were super glamorous and wanted to be them.]  I thought this hour of riveting TV was a single stroke of  brilliance, until I learned that it is a reoccurring docu-series done by the network.

As evidenced by Netflix instant queue, it is clear that I love a sociological documentary, and of course Logo makes them super interesting. So far, I have watched the aforementioned G.L.O.W. one and one about doll enthusiasts, but last night I watched one about the world of male My Little Pony fans...or Bronies. I have gotten Jamie super hyped about these too, so I always wait to watch them with him. Not unlike MTV's True Life Series or Taboo, they are something I always set out to watch and make fun of...and by the end I am always like, "I kinda get it now." Even when grown adults go by magical monikers and have pastel ponies as spirit animals.

2. Afterlight App
As you have likely gleaned from my shoddy photography, I don't have a fancy dancy camera. The purchase of one is likely in my future, but for now I rely on my heavily cracked iPhone to photodocument the happenings in my world. [Tangent: ...and take embarassing SnapChat pictures.]. Because of this, I get excited about photo apps and probably have tried at least 10 using up valuable phone memory.

At trivia last week, Rae told me last week about  the Afterlight app, which is likely old news by now, but it's new to me...and it is a total game changer.  The picture she was taking was in a dim room, and it allowed her to control the amount of brightness she added, so not to turn everyone into a vampire.

Rarely would I endorse spending money on an app, but this one is WELL worth the 99 cent expenditure. [Tangent: I may spend upwards of $8 a week on my Candy Crush habit, but heaven forbid that I spend it on something productive.} Not only are there about 20x more filters than instagram, [Tangent: Let's be honest, sometimes an instagram filter warps the original photo so much that it looks like you are looking at it through an occluded fish tank. Sometimes that is the look you are going for, but a lot of the time it distracts. I'm looking at you, Kelvin.] but there are all sorts of options to brighten, sharpen and change the resolution and color balance. It is basically pocket Photoshop for dummies. PERFECT! [Tangent: I am also currently trying to master vsco camera, so LOOK OUT, BLOG!] Then you can easily transfer the picture onto your social media, and it is already modified.  Here's a gratuitous picture of my adorable niece to illustrate my point:

3.  Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield
 There are times in my life when I read like a crazy person, and others where I completely fall off the literary wagon and barely have the focus to read infographics in magazines. That has kinda been my MO lately, until I read Love is A Mix Tape, which pretty well shook me from my illiterate doldrums. written by Rob Sheffield, in a style that's super relateable and journalistic [Tangent: He's a music jounralistic afterall. He has written for Esquire and Rolling Stone and was previously best known by me as "that guy on VH1 countdown specials who chimes in on what he remembers about the 80s." ] The autobiographical story  is about love and loss and is so honest and gorgeous and never speaks to any cliche'd ways to make you understand love. It is not The Notebook.  I may have cried multiple times when reading it, which made it the best $2.50 that I have ever spent at McKays.

Laced with nostalgia and popular culture, it made me realize it is the kind of book I would like to write. I kinda can't wait to consume the rest of his works because now everything else I try to read is like white noise.

4. The Music is You- A Tribute to John Denver

I am a product of my raisin.' As a child, many of the lullabies by mother sang to me were by Peter, Paul and Mary and The Kingston Trio, so folk music is pretty huge to me and probably has forged the kinds of artists I listen to now. One of my not at all guilty pleasures has been the music of John Denver. On many occasions, I have gotten mocked for the fact that I will ardently sing along when Dreamland Express comes up in my iPod shuffle. It is probably the cheesiest song ever produced, but you will not disuede me from loving it, ever. [To further push the complete cheesiness of this song into hyperdrive, here it is layered over scenes from The Little Mermaid.]

[Tangent: I know John Denver, was about as edgy as a butter knife, but his songs are just so daggum nice. I have never felt bad about my affection for him and I never will.] My dream is to write a musical using only John Denver songs.

What do I love even more than folksy wonderment...COVER SONGS! [Tangent: I secretly think that is why I love The Voice and American Idol so much....I am a sucker for a rearranged rendition of a song I think I know. It's like you hear it in a brand new way...even if it is completely terrible. Here's looking at you guy from Idol who did a beat boxed rendition of Bon Jovi a few years ago.] So when when classic folk is covered by current artists,  my head explodes. My boyfriend gave me his copy ofThe Music Is You: A Tribute to John Denver to burn probably months ago, and for whatever reason I forgot about it. Well, yesterday morning I found it in my iTunes and suspect it is gonna be on constant rotation for a LOOOOOOONG time. So good.  My Morning Jacket singing Leaving on a Jet Plane...kinda magical.

What are you currently obsessed with, because clearly I need more time fillers?

Monday, November 11, 2013

gettin' festive: super black lacquer new fall colors and giveaway

Every fall is that transitional period where you get to start anew with your look. In my case, this rejuvination is simply replacing my lightweight cardigans with longer chunkier cardigans. I'm an edgy bastard. [Tangent: Let me reiterate that this is NOT a fashion blog. No one EVER has come to me for fashion advice although my family have compared my style choices to Punky Brewster and Dorothy Zbornak. They are fashion icons, right?]
As evidenced by my 101 shades of champagne eyeshadow, I may not be super daring with my face makeup but I tend to make up for it in the nail department. I swap out my summertime Easter M&Ms colors for grays, blacks and burgundies. [Tangent: In the fall/winter I like to evoke my inner weird goth teen... you know there is a Lydia Deetz that dwells inside all of us.]

However, the cooler season also brings with it awful dry nail beds and complete bouts of slothful sitting around in yoga pants and deciding leg shaving is no longer mandatory. As you can see,  my current homespun manicure is running on fumes. [Tangent: Because I have never shied away from coming off as completely disgusting, I will share with you my shame. I have the hands of a mental patient, I am totally aware.] 
a week and a half ago this was Blitz by Super Black. It's really pretty, I promise.
The death knell of my manicure must have been heard all the way in Ohio, because no sooner had I been disgusted with my hands' appearance that  I got an email from my hypothetical BFF Natalie Dee telling me that she was sending me another box of Super Black Lacquer for me to sample and blog about. [Tangent: SCORE! I kinda love her products and what they stand for. They are quality control and 4-free, meaning the harsh chemicals are minimal.  Even though I have written about her handmade indie polish line before here and here, I am far from sick of it. Batch to batch, it just gets better and better. She has worked out the kinks that first existed, and  I love to see the new colors she is bringing to the table. And, if you need yet another blog to follow, she writes a HILARIOUS makeup blog, Stuff I Put on Myself.]

The review set she sent me tickled me to smithereens. The rich tones screamed were season appropriate without being overly cliche. Included were 3rd Degree (a very perfectly autumnal orange based red), Guilty (a glitzy hologrammy gold that would make an 80s lame prom dress blush!), Heather (a plummy purple hologram color that made me unable to stop looking at my hands.) and Spanked   (This color is somewhere between a wine and a magenta and made me feel like a lost member of Barbie and the Rockers!). The whole collection is like the Crayola Bold markers in shimmering lacquer form. [Tangent: All that is missing is Jungle Green.]

Here's some awkward pictures of me holding things in unnatural positions with my pretty new nails. Hopefully, this will erase those chipped black monstrosities from your memories. 

Top- Spanked with Wishful Thinking top coat . [Tangent: I know you all are insanely sick of my blathering on about Wishful Thinking, but seriously, it makes you nails look like they have just been blessed by Ke$ha, but in the classiest way possible. The subtle silver hologram overlay turned the cranberry colored Spanked into little sparkling Sugarplums! I love it. I know $12 seems like a big investment for a frugal gal like me, so if you are on the fence as to what color to try, I recommend this one. This top coat can transform every color in your collection. Versatilty. Boom.] 

Middle- Spanked (sans topcoat) with Guilty designs. [Tangent: I read about these little nail sticker stencils on this blog, and immediately bought them on eBay because they are like $3...and I am a sucker for things that are fun and cheap.] 

Bottom-  Heather with 3rd Degree polka dots [Tangent: You know I love a nail polish dot. I always think they look super holly hobby homespun, but today a stranger asked me where I got my nails done. This never happens, so they must look at least okay. You can also judge me for the color combo. In my mind they look great together...they probably clash like hell. And also I need cuticle oil STAT!] 

 Overall, I am super excited about her new line of colors, even though I know whenever she rolls out new shades, she retires some old ones. [Rest in Peace Purdy, Torque and Fatima. You are missed.] The colors, as always went on smooth and dried incredibly fast and non-goopy. My only real gripe is a teeny one.  Miss Dee must have been eating her Wheaties the day she made these batches, because the lids were screwed on SUPER tight. I'm aware my muscle tone is non-existent, but it took several tries for a grown man to open the lid. I guess at least I know they are not drying out.

Because I love fall, and only have so many hands, I am sharing 2 bottles of Super Black Lacquer with a lucky reader! [Tangent: Also, your lids have been loosened!] 

I ever made a fancy widget thing to let you enter easier. You got a week to enter! GO FOR IT! If you have trouble using it, just leave me a comment below telling me about a trend you love or hate for fall.

  a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thursday, November 7, 2013

signs signs...everwhere are signs

Every year of my childhood we went to Holden Beach, NC [Tangent: I know only like 2 people I know have ever heard of it. It's an adorably quaint private beach island off the coast of North Carolina...about an hour from Wilmington and an 30 minutes from Myrtle Beach.] Until last year, I had not been back to this particular beach since the early 90s and part of me hoped it was exactly the same...and it was.

The degree of familiarity was next level eerie. EVERYTHING WAS THE EXACT SAME. The beach's main drag has not been touched since I was 10 years old. [Tangent: Neither had most of the place. The pier still featured the exact same 80s beeping and booping Space Invaders game and I'll wager a lot of those coconut monkeys in the souvenir shops have sat on the shelves since the first Bush administration.] It was like going to visit a old-timey attraction where they talk in pioneer speak and want everything to look untouched by society/technology. Everything there is circa 1988. Because we went in the off-season, everything was also closed and deserted which always adds an extra level of Twilight Zone to the mix.

One the same day we hit up Dale's Junkyard, Jamie and I decided to cruise around and take pictures.  [Tangent: Pardon the wonkiness, I took them out the window, sometimes whilst moving so its a wonder they came out at all. Also  I was just finishing up reading Rae's latest blog about signs in Memphis, when it reminded me that I needed to write thanks Rae for the unintentioanl reminder.]

This is one of the few signs that had been repainted

I used to love this ice cream shop, but something tells me Kitchen Nightmares would have a field day.

That font!

poor faceless fisherman
I'm not sure if its the salty air or what, but every standing sign seriously looked like it had been unearthed from a hoarders barn on American Pickers. Don't get me wrong, I love the vintage feel, but they could use a little TLC. [Tangent: And I'm not talking T-boz, Chilli and Left-Eye!]

Because I grew up there, the original fixtures give me the warm fuzzies. Because  I spent much of my youth at that mini golf course, I find the simplicity and lack of modern tourist traps kind of charming, but if I was 10 years old at Holden today...I would probably be bummed. Let's face it, this waterpark just isn't cutting edge anymore.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

sand is not the enemy

While I was at the beach end of October, I posted some photos of my various social media sites and within minutes, I was getting barraged with messages and questions asking what the weird contraption with the crazy bubble wheels was all about.

[Tangent: I realize I look horribly uncomfortable, but I really wasn't. The chair was slightly ill fitting for 90 lb me, so I had to prop myself up with lots of  pillows and towels. Between that and my chunky "fall at the beach sweater" - my sister said all she could see was Barbara Hershey's character from Beaches. I tend to agree that I am just a floppy hat away from hearing "Wind Beneath my Wings" start playing in the background.]

see what I mean.
Basically, at a young age, I realized that asking someone to push my wheelchair at the beach was pretty much like asking them to eviscerate themselves. Pushing me through piles of sand was torturous for whoever was at the helm. [Tangent: Even though I have never been the pusher, all the grunts and groans I hear lead me to believe that it is a complete pain in the ass. I have heard it likened to using only your arms to drag your body through sticky oatmeal. It's a completely futile struggle.] About 15 years ago, when I got too big to simply carry to a towel or folding chair, my dad looked into options, and come to find out an option existed- the BEACH CHAIR!

Dad-I know you are probably yelling at me from the afterlife for putting your naked torso online, but it's helping illustrate my point. Sorry, daddy.
Of course, once we realized they were a thing, we weren't gonna buy one. Luckily, for a fee, most rental places or area chambers of commerce have a beach chair you can rent for a daily or weekly rate. [Tangent: The fee completely varies. Years ago, it was a free service from the chamber of commerce. Today in Coastal NC, it was about $100 for the whole week. When I was in Florida, it was steep- over $100 a day (but totally worth it to my friends who all chipped in because they dreaded pushing me that they each probably would've given a kidney if that was the price.] The rental companies usually even pick it up and drop it off. It's a pretty sweet deal and makes beach time 1000% easier.

it's much easier to find a pusher.

There are a ridiculous number of incarnations of a beach wheelchair, but the tie that binds all the designs together is the lightweight frame and HUGE plastic wheels, that act kinda like buoys.  [Tangent: It's basically PVC pipe with little lawn chair slings.  You can run these suckers basically down into the water and they float like a dream.] Hope that clears some things up and for the love,  if you are in a chair and love the beach, save your pennies to rent one. They are a game changer. 

Monday, November 4, 2013

halloween costumes sega genesis style- sonic and tails!

Being that we are getting swept into November, I figured it was high time I wrote my final Halloween post for 2013! [Tangent: How sick are you all of all my blathering on about my favorite holiday? Very? I thought so. I'll attempt to make this one ripping off a band-aid...but like a really neat Muppet Babies band-aid or something that you at least enjoy looking at!] I have been reading Rae and Lisa's costume posts, and was like, "Dang, I need to get on the ball!"

Every year it seems, I get my costume ideas in the strangest ways...usually revolving around me opening my closet and asking myself, "what do I own that I can transform into a costume?" This year it was my royal blue jeggings, which remind me of Sonic the Hedgehog everytime I wear them. So I texted Jamie and within 30 seconds, he was like "I am gonna be Tails!" [Tangent: I suggested Dr. Robotnik, but that would mean another year with my fella smashing his bushy red hair under a hot latex bald cap and he more or less vetoed it immediately. Those things are the worst. I feel for Keenan Thompson everytime he plays Steve Harvey on SNL.] An idea was born!

and Jamie said that he could totally picture me doing this when he is  taking forever!

[Tangent: Let me interject by calling out the obvious, I am not a gamer. If a game was made after 1996 and is for a console that is not made by the OG Nintendo or Sega, I have no idea what the hell it's all about. I may not know what a first person shooter game entails, but I can tell you in elaborate detail why Kirby's Dreamland is the largest disappointment of my formative years! When I was young, my brother got a Sega Genesis for Christmas, which came with Sonic 2 so that was truly my sole entertainment for a solid 6 months of my life (until my brother saved up enough money to buy more games). Not to brag, but I got to the final level, even though I'm not 100% I took Robotnik down. That's still on my bucket list. I know...I know...DREAM BIG!]

My costume was pretty simple. I had the blue jeggings and socks. I just added to the mix a $4 hobby lobby tshirt, some $1.99 white gloves from a discount store, one of these weird anime hats that I found on ebay [Tangent: I think it was a child size and didn't really fit my decidedly adult sized noggin, but it was $10 so I made do.] and some sweet red New Balances I bought second hand and am now reselling on Poshmark. I also made a creative choice to give Sonic some dramatic drag makeup, because well...why not?

 Of course we did have some fun DIY fabrication on our hands [Tangent: I loathe buying a store bought costume because I generally think they are cheaply made and a waste of money...even though I end up spending 200x more by making it myself. Oh well.] Using wreath forms and gold ribbon, we made the rings and a little piece of white polar fleece was sewed onto my shirt by my lovely mother to give me a fuzzy hedgehog belly. [Tangent: Yes, even at 30, my mom is still sewing my Halloween costumes!]

Even though Tails was an obnoxious pain in the ass, who simply got in the way, during the actual game- I thought my foxy ginger would make an adorable mutated 2-tailed fox! We thought fox accessories would be everywhere, especially with the foxes being the new it thing with hipsters everywhere and that "What Does the Fox Say?" video, but that simply wasn't the case. He found his little hat at Performance , but all the tails available were inexplicably teeny tiny or in crazy neon colors. This simply wouldn't do, so I drew out a pattern on orange polar fleece and after it was sewed and stuffed, we painted the end white! I think they turned out super cute. I'm sure cosplay/anime kids would be totally jealous!

Unfortunately, men's (or husky women's) orange pants (sweat or scrub) were the Al Capone's tomb of this costume. Even though we live in alleged Tennessee Vol territory, orange is just NOT in this least for pants.  We just decided to pretend Jamie's version of Miles "Tails" Prowler was just very conservative and didn't wanna show his nether bits!

Overall, I was really psyched with the way it turned out and everyone at my friend Kate's birthday/Halloween fiesta seemed to love it, so that made us happy! [BTW, Kate and her fella may have kicked our ass with their couple's costume! They were Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze from the SNL Chippendale's skit! It was magic!] Hope that you all had an equally amazing Halloween and I promise I will shut up about it until next October...hopefully!
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